


Fate without Destiny

by Blueez



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drama, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:34:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 76,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27839929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blueez/pseuds/Blueez
Summary: After three months of not hearing from his former fiancé, Yixing receives a phone call. Junmyeon was in a car accident and lost his memory. Yixing sees this as a chance for them to start over again – for the third time.
Relationships: Kim Junmyeon | Suho/Zhang Yi Xing | Lay
Comments: 14
Kudos: 20





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **Firstly, I never write explicit tags except for the genre-related ones. Read this story with that in mind as it could contain triggering topics!**
> 
> Okay, so this is another one of my old sulay fics that leaves the dungeon.
> 
> It was the fourth fic I've ever written, just after finishing Lux in Obscuro. It ran from February to August in 2017. I remember being very eager and avid to write this story. Like, I had so much fun for the most part. Maybe because it was my final year of high school and I had lots of free time (oddly), plus I was basically living for sulay back then lmao. Now, I'm in my final year of university and I hardly find time/motivation/inspiration to even write drabbles. Ooof.
> 
> Anyway, this story basically set the ground for my angsty™ writing style HAHAHA. I think if you read this and have read my previous angst stories, you will kinda see what I mean. Back in the days, I was sorta proud of this. And I still am, especially by certain parts where I had spent lots of time researching to give a somewhat proper portrayal. But other parts are rather dramatic, too much, and if I were to re-write it, I would totally have done things differently. I'd keep the essence of the plot, but some of the circumstances and details would have changed. Plus, better characterization. But you know, nostalgia. So you'll get what it was and is. 
> 
> Lastly, I'm afraid this one hasn't been edited and proofread either.

**He who couldn't forget & he who forgot**

Yixing sat in the locker room, pondering what he'll do next.

It was a little past midnight, Sunday, and his shift at the restaurant had ended. When he had gone downstairs, he opened his locker and saw his phone alerting of six missed calls. Yixing didn’t recognize the number, and he couldn’t figure out who had called him at ten o’clock. He dialed the number back. The caller told him Junmyeon had been in a car accident, and this number was his in the case of an emergency contact. Thankfully, it was only a matter of a mild head injury, but someone needed to go see him. Yixing said he’ll go there immediately and hung up the phone.

However, Yixing hadn’t gone right away. He had spent the last fifteen minutes thinking. Three months passed since the last time he heard from Junmyeon. They used to love each other, they used to be soulmates, they were supposed to get married next year. But everything ended abruptly when Junmyeon had left. His only explanation was written on a note. The piece of paper contained two sentences, ‘I’m sorry Yixing. I can’t do this anymore.’ Yixing could summarize what he went through after in two words: immense desolation.

Yixing had started to think that Junmyeon may never come back. Yet this happened, and his first instinct had been to bolt out of the locker room and see Junmyeon, go beg him to say how he could fix whatever had broken them because living without him had been hell. But Yixing didn’t go, he was afraid. Afraid that if his ex-fiancé saw him, he would reject him heartlessly. It had been clear that Junmyeon didn’t want to see Yixing. The countless unanswered calls and texts, plus avoiding him at all cost, had confirmed Yixing’s assumptions. Yixing didn’t know if he could stand hearing Junmyeon doesn’t love him anymore.

Then, Yixing also remembered that Junmyeon had no one in Guangzhou. His ex didn’t have any family, and if the hospital had contacted Yixing, it meant that they couldn’t get hold of someone else. Yixing felt saddened. He didn’t wish for Junmyeon to wake up in a somber hospital room all alone and frightened. That picture seemed far more distressing. He might regret it later, he might be about to commit a mistake, but Yixing stood up. He took off his chef’s uniform and changed back to his ordinary clothes. Yixing strode back to the main floor, walked outside the restaurant, and ran into his vehicle.

Twenty minutes later he got to the hospital. Again, Yixing sprinted inside the reception and asked after Kim Junmyeon. When the nurse asked him who he was, Yixing didn’t know what to label his connection with Junmyeon. Ex-fiancé? An acquaintance for thirteen years? Junmyeon’s first love? In the end, he said ‘old friends.’

He waited for ten minutes until a doctor came. She was a neurologist. Doctor Li explained that Junmyeon’s car had collided with another, due to the other driver falling asleep. Fortunately, no major injuries occurred to both. But the force of the accident had caused Junmyeon a mild traumatic brain injury. He had been unconscious for about twenty minutes, and upon arrival to the ER, he suffered from post-traumatic amnesia, headache, tiredness, and fatigue. After careful observations of his symptoms and an MRI, they classified his wound as a minor brain contusion, a bruise of the brain tissue, on his anterior temporal lobe. Yixing was worried and asked the doctor if Junmyeon needed surgery. The doctor said that minor contusions can heal on their own with no need for medical intervention. Junmyeon was stable now. However, he had to stay the night so they could monitor his status and see if the contusion hadn’t caused further damage.

Afterward, Yixing went to Junmyeon’s room. He saw Junmyeon fallen asleep, his chest raised up and down. Yixing paced unheard to stand in front of Junmyeon’s bed. His hair had grown, and he had bangs now. Yixing raised his hand to stroke Junmyeon’s left cheek. “I missed you so much,” he said. His hand moved to envelop Junmyeon’s hand. It felt warm and familiar. A wish of never letting go of it passed Yixing's mind. But he did let go, momentarily, only to move forward a chair and sit beside Junmyeon. He retook the other's hand. Then, Yixing closed his eyes and prayed that when Junmyeon woke up, their hands would still be clasped.

In the morning, Yixing woke up to an aching pain in his hand. Junmyeon was pinching it as he said: “Hey, wake up.” Yixing opened his eyes, blinked a few times, and met his ex-fiancé’s brown irises. A frightening sensation pierced his being as he awaited Junmyeon’s next action.

The injured man withdrew his hand but kept his gaze on Yixing. “Sorry, what happened? Why am I here?” he asked with furrowed eyebrows.

Yixing swallowed. “You were in a car accident last night.”

“Car accident?”

“Yes, thankfully nothing harmful happened to you, only a minor bruising in your brain.”

“Bruising?”

“It’s nothing dangerous, and often heals by itself… How do you feel? Are you in pain?” Yixing asked.

“My head hurts a bit, but not too unbearable,” Junmyeon replied as he still firmly stared at Yixing. “I’m sorry for asking this, but who are you?”

“What?”

“Who are you? Why are you here? I can’t remember ever seeing you… Or I can’t remember much for that matter.”

Yixing was stoic. He didn’t know what to answer. Was Junmyeon pretending not to know him? Or had he completely lost his memory? It was as Yixing debated with himself that Doctor Li walked inside the room.

The doctor smiled and introduce herself to Junmyeon. She asked Junmyeon his name, and the injured man thought about it for a moment until he said: “My name is… Kim Junmyeon.” Then the doctor continued examining Junmyeon and telling him about last night’s incident and his injuries. However, when she asked him to say if he had any recollections of what had happened before the accident, he answered no. He didn't have any.

Doctor Li continued her medical checkup by asking Junmyeon about further discomforts, and Junmyeon said only a minor headache. Then she kept asking questions about his life. How old was he, when was his birthday, where did he live, where was he born, what did he work with. Again, Junmyeon had to think before answering, and once he did, the doctor looked at Yixing to corroborate. Yixing nodded to all the questions. But when she asked Junmyeon to name his parents, what he had done yesterday, how he celebrated his last birthday, Junmyeon didn’t know. He said that no matter how much he tried, he couldn’t find any information. Junmyeon didn’t have any memories of those happenings. In the end, Doctor Li told him not to worry about it, he should rest for now, and she would come back later in the day to check on him.

Yixing followed her. “Doctor, what is happening to him?” he asked.

“It’s too early to confirm a diagnosis, Mr. Zhang. It seems he has some kind of amnesia... But we’ll have to continue monitoring him to see if it is permanent or temporally.”

“Is there something I can do?”

“For now, just keep him company, and try not to aggravate him by slurring too much information about his memories.”

Yixing nodded and thanked her. He walked inside Junmyeon’s room and saw a nurse delivering Junmyeon breakfast. Afterward, she left them alone. Yixing sat down on the chair and observed how Junmyeon ate, how he blew his cup of tea, how he made sure not to drop anything from the sandwich he was holding.

“So, who are you?” Junmyeon asked as he ate.

They had so much history together that Yixing found the answer was rather complicated. But it seemed everything had been erased from Junmyeon’s memory, and it would be too much to explain right now. Instead, he said, “I'm Yixing, we’re… Old friends.”

“Old friends…” Junmyeon repeated. It seemed he wanted to ask more, to understand what kind of old friends they had been, when did they meet. But he didn’t ask anything.

* * *

The stay in the hospital lasted five days. Yixing had gone see Junmyeon every day before going to work in the evening. Sometimes Yixing told him short stories of how he used to be, other times they spoke about trivial matters or who Yixing was.

Junmyeon's brain contusion was healing without a problem, but it had apparently damaged Junmyeon’s memory. First, the doctors had conducted different psychological and neurological tests on him. The tests didn’t reveal any illnesses or problems. Later, when they performed a general assessment of Junmyeon’s memory and cognitive abilities, he didn’t have any difficulties in remembering new memories. He remembered everything that happened since he woke up after the accident. However, when interviewed about his autobiographical memory covering his childhood, adulthood, and personal information, Junmyeon most often didn’t remember anything or gave incorrect answers. It was thanks to Yixing providing information that the doctors could tell whether Junmyeon remembered correctly or not.

Eventually, after one of the interviews, Junmyeon had found out that he and Yixing had been in a relationship for the past five years and were going to get married. He had looked troubled when he asked Yixing why they had broken up and Yixing replied to his question. It seemed that he wanted to apologize, but didn’t exactly know what to say.

On the last day of Junmyeon’s stay in the hospital, they had come to a diagnosis. Doctor Li spoke with Yixing first.

She told him that Junmyeon suffered pure retrograde amnesia, without any traces of anterograde amnesia. This meant that while Junmyeon could not recall the events that covered all his life, he could still form new memories without difficulties. This was a rare case. Most often people suffering traumatic brain injuries are left with anterograde amnesia – they cannot store new memories- with minimal retrograde damage. And it was also rare that a mild head injury, such as Junmyeon’s, could have left him with irreversible damage. It was irreversible in the sense that Junmyeon had never suffered, and was not suffering, any psychological disorders, which meant his amnesia was not psychogenic. Junmyeon’s amnesia was neurological, and he will most likely never remember his past, unlike if it had been psychological and therapy would have helped him recover his memories. But of course, there have always been exceptions.

The reason why Junmyeon could still remember factual information about himself and the world, such as his age or name, where he lives, what languages he speaks, what color is the grass, it was because his semantic memory was intact. Those memories contained the general world knowledge Junmyeon had obtained throughout his life, but it also consisted of the factual knowledge about himself, for example, the memory that ‘he is thirty years old and lives in Guangzhou.’ Hence, Junmyeon could remember some things. 

However, his episodic memory, the memory of autobiographical events and its collection of past personal experiences that had happened at a time and place, was damaged. Therefore, he couldn’t recall anything about his former life. Personality-wise, it was unpredictable to know if Junmyeon would remain the same person he used to. He might still have traces of his old self, but the time ahead might also change him.

The doctor told Yixing that Junmyeon needed time and support to adapt himself to this new life and to find out who he used to be in the past. She was aware of Yixing’s and Junmyeon’s complicated relationship, and she wondered if Yixing was willing to help Junmyeon, or if it was better to contact his family in South Korea.

Yixing knew that Junmyeon’s parents had not spoken to his ex-fiancé in ten years, and if Junmyeon went back to them they would probably make sure he followed their will. And there was no one else in Guangzhou willing to take the task. So, Yixing accepted because he didn’t want to leave Junmyeon alone. However, another part of him was thinking that maybe this could be a chance for them to start again.

When their meeting ended, Junmyeon joined them, and Doctor Li explained everything once again to Junmyeon. He didn’t seem surprised by what she told him, he had always been aware that he lost his memory and that it probably won’t come back. And Junmyeon didn’t mind staying with Yixing either, he was thankful that someone who knew him well was willing to help him.

In the end, both thanked the doctor for her help and left the hospital on a Thursday evening.

As they drove to Yixing’s apartment complex, Junmyeon asked, “Why haven’t I spoken to my parents in ten years?”

Yixing sighed, and softly answered, “They threw you out of their house when they found out you were gay.”

“Did I ever try speaking to them again?”

“Yes… But they refused to see you.”

Junmyeon didn’t reply anything but kept looking out the car window for the whole ride. Before unbuckling his seatbelt, and getting off the car, Junmyeon spoke again, “Wait!”

Yixing looked at him.

“Are you sure you want me to stay with you? I mean, considering what we were and what my past self did to you… Is it really okay?”

In away Yixing knew it wasn’t. Junmyeon didn’t remember anything of their past years, and he may not end up reciprocating Yixing’s feelings. There was a chance Yixing was fooling himself thinking that they could retake their relationship. But he wanted to believe they could. Yixing wanted to have confidence in that he and Junmyeon could become the couple they used to be. He wanted to believe that Junmyeon would love him again. And that thought weighted far more in his resolution. “Of course, it's fine. It really is,” he said and smiled at Junmyeon.

Junmyeon looked a bit perplexed but nodded nonetheless.

They got off the car and walked inside the building, up to the fifteenth floor. Yixing showed Junmyeon around the flat. Yixing’s apartment was big, modern, and pristine. Junmyeon also noted that Yixing still kept their pictures hung on the walls. He wanted to ask why but didn’t. There were two bedrooms, and Junmyeon would be staying in the other one. Then the doorbell rang, and Yixing left Junmyeon to get comfortable in his new room.

Yixing looked through the peephole. Luhan and Minseok were standing outside. He opened the door.

“Zhang! Where the hell have you been? Why haven’t you answered our calls?” Luhan exclaimed, crossed his arms, and barged in. Minseok followed him with his crutches.

“Hey, Lu and Minseok,” Yixing greeted them, “Sorry, I’ve been busy.”

“We dropped by the restaurant, and Kyungsoo said you called in sick tonight. Are you alright?” Minseok asked.

“Yes! I just felt a bit tired, hehe… I haven’t slept well these days. But, how are you guys? How’s your leg, Minseok?” Yixing asked.

Before any of the two could answer, Junmyeon appeared before them. “Yixing, where are the towels? I would like to take a shower,” he said.

Minseok's eyes widened, and Luhan gawked. “What the-” Luhan uttered but Yixing interrupted him.

“Guys, Junmyeon recently lost his memory, and he’s staying with me for the time being… Junmyeon these are my friends Luhan and Minseok,” Yixing said as he pointed to the two.

Junmyeon stared at them. “Hi, I’m afraid I can’t remember you. But I guess we've met before?” he asked.

Luhan kept quiet and only stared disbelievingly at Yixing. Minseok smiled and answered, “Yes, we have, a couple of years ago. I’m Minseok.”

Junmyeon extended his hand to greet him and then he offered it to Luhan. Minseok had to clear his throat for Luhan to raise his hand. Reluctantly, Luhan did it.

Once the awkward introduction ended, Yixing said, “Junmyeon, the towels are on the left side of the cabinet in the bathroom.”

Junmyeon nodded, said goodbye to the pair, and walked toward the bathroom.

“Busy my ass. You have a lot of explaining to do,” Luhan said, tone serious.

“Yeah… We should take this in the hall,” Yixing replied. The trio walked outside the apartment. Yixing closed the door.

“So, why is that bastard staying with you?”

Yixing sighed, he had expected this reaction. Then, he answered Luhan’s question. He told them everything that happened these past days, and about Junmyeon’s current amnesic condition. Yixing said that despite the way things had ended between the two, he didn’t want Junmyeon to cope with everything alone. He still cared about him and felt it was the right thing to do.

“No, it’s not! You’re just blinded by the fact you think you have another chance with him. Have you forgotten how utterly broken you’ve been these past months? Have you?” Luhan asked.

“Of course, I haven’t. But-”

“Then, why?! You could have just sent him off to South Korea. Yixing, you don't own him anything, if anything he owes you a lot. You deserved so much more than a fucking goodbye note on the kitchen counter,” Luhan reprimanded Yixing.

“Lu, you know his parents don’t want to see him. And everything they've done to him.”

“And? This is not your problem to solve. They’re his family, they should take care of him no matter what.”

“But they’ll manipulate Junmyeon to become who they want him to be. That's not fair, I want to give him the right picture of who he was.”

Luhan sighed loudly. “And then what? He goes back to his old life, and you stay behind miserable once more?”

“I don’t know. I’m hoping Junmyeon… You know I never stopped loving him, he’s my… soulmate. He might have forgotten me, but I know he will end up loving me again.”

Luhan let out a mocking laugh. He grabbed Yixing by his arms and shook him lightly. “Yixing, listen to me, this is a mistake! Junmyeon is the asshole who left you without a proper explanation. He broke you into pieces, and you were just beginning to stitch yourself up again. He doesn’t deserve your kindness. And I’m sorry to say this, but you’re wrong! A person who hurt you that badly cannot be your so-called soulmate. This will not end well. Please, please, don’t let him hurt you again.”

Yixing knew Luhan’s words might be true, but he still said, “I’m thankful you care so much about my well-being Lu, but I’ll be fine... Third time’s the charm, isn’t it?”

Luhan huffed and let go of Yixing. “Oh my god Yixing, I can’t believe you’re this stubborn… Minseok, say something!”

“Yixing,” Minseok expressed in a soft voice, “I might be a pediatrician, but I still have gone to medical school and studied this. You’re aware that his memories are lost, possibly forever, and he may not reconnect with the memories if you tell him about them. Junmyeon might feel he wasn’t that person, that it doesn’t fit who he is now. And he may not become the man he used to be, the person you fell in love with.”

“You’re right, they told me that at the hospital. But that’s okay Minseok, I’ll love him anyway. It doesn’t matter.”

“Junmyeon might not end up feeling the same for you, Yixing. If he goes, you’ll be heartbroken again,” Minseok said with genuine worry in his tone.

“I know, and I’m so, so, sorry if you guys have to pick me up again, but I’d rather take the risk. Junmyeon could have gone back to South Korea, but he didn’t. He stayed here… And this, this might be fate giving us a third chance. I don’t want a life without him.”

“Oh Yixing,” Minseok replied and half-smiled. “I’d give you a good luck hug, but you know,” he said and raised his left crutch. Yixing chuckled and was the one who hugged him instead.

When Yixing got free, he stared at Luhan. “I’m sorry Luhan. I hope you can understand me.”

Luhan shook his head. “I have nothing to forgive you about. But you’re making a huge mistake Zhang, a huge mistake… Minseok, come on, let’s go home.”

Yixing said goodbye to the two. He saw Luhan and Minseok walking to the elevator, the doors opening, and then they disappeared from his sight.

He leaned against the apartment door. Yixing sighed and said to himself, “I really hope I’m not.”


	2. Chapter 2

**The vanished memories I**

_Thirteen years earlier_

  
Junmyeon was on his way out when a beautiful melancholic melody resonated in the corridors. Intrigued by who could be playing the forlorn piano piece, he followed it. Moments later he stood in front of the music classroom. Junmyeon strode inside unheard.

Rays of sunlight illumined the pianist’s side profile, his raven hair and bangs gleamed. He had a dreamlike complexion with rosy lips. The pianist’s eyes were closed while his long slender fingers moved left and right, pressing the piano keys that emitted the sad tune. Junmyeon was mesmerized by the pianist and the melody he was playing.

When the song came to an end, the boy opened his eyes. He must have felt Junmyeon’s gaze because he turned to see him. Their eyes met.

Junmyeon felt his cheeks getting warm. He was embarrassed about ogling the pianist for so long. Rapidly he cleared his throat and said the first thing he came up with, “Do you have a permit?”

“A permit?” the boy answered with a slight noticeable Korean accent.

“To be in here. It’s after school, you need to ask the music teachers if you wanna play the instruments.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” the pianist apologized and bowed. “I don’t have one. I saw the door was open and couldn’t resist playing.”

Junmyeon walked closer to stand next to the pianist. “It’s all right. You must be new, aren’t you?”

The boy smiled, it was a radiating dimpled smile. “Yes! I’m a third-year exchange student.”

“Wherefrom?”

“I’m from Changsha, China, and you?”

A small chuckled left Junmyeon’s lips. “I’m Korean, I was born here in Seoul. And I’m also a third-year student, which class are you in?” he asked.

“Apparently, I’m in class D.”

“D? Wait, are you Zhang, Zhang Yi…?”

“Yixing!” the pianist exclaimed enthusiastically. “Yes, that’s me. How do know my name?”

“You were assigned to be my seatmate. But you weren’t in class today.”

Yixing scratched his head. “I was in class B all day, I think I misheard my host mother. It wasn’t until the last lesson that the teacher told me I was in the wrong class,” he said and laughed. Junmyeon laughed too.

“What’s your name?” Yixing asked.

“Oh right, I’m Kim Junmyeon,” Junmyeon replied and held out his hand.

Yixing shook it while saying, “Nice to meet you, Kim Junmyeon.”

Junmyeon felt the softest hands he had ever touched. “What’s the name of the melody you were playing? It was really beautiful,” he asked once their hands parted.

“‘Curtain.’ It’s actually a Korean song, but my voice is not good enough to sing it.”

“Nah, I don’t believe you,” Junmyeon said and shook his head. “You must have a wonderful singing voice.” Then, he blushed for saying that while Yixing just smiled at him. “It’s just tha-that you play the piano so well, I-I guess you must be talented,” he stuttered.

“I’m really not, but thank you,” Yixing said. There was a faint flush on his cheeks.

Before things turned more awkward, Junmyeon suggested, “We should go… The school might close soon.”

Yixing nodded. He covered the keyboard with the fallboard and stood up. He grabbed his jacket from one of the chairs and put it on. Then, they walked together to the school entrance while talking about their first day of school.

It was the middle of March, and the snow was slowly melting in the schoolyard. It wasn’t freezing cold anymore, and spring was just around the corner.

Before Junmyeon strolled to the parking lot, he asked Yixing, “Do you know the way home? If you give me your address, I could drive you there if you don’t mind sitting on my moped.”

Junmyeon saw another one of Yixing’s dimpled smiles. “Thanks, but I’ll be okay. It’s only a ten-minute walk from here… See you tomorrow, Kim Junmyeon!” Yixing said as he waved and walked away.

“Bye, Zhang Yixing,” Junmyeon muttered more to himself than to Yixing.

That night, after dinner, Junmyeon searched on his computer for a song called ‘Curtain.’ When he heard it, he thought its lyrics were as equally heartbreaking as its melody. But as he continued listening to the song over and over, the image of Yixing playing the piano kept repeating on his mind.

The next day Junmyeon walked into his classroom and saw Yixing already sitting on the seat next to his. He strolled over there. “I see you didn’t get lost today,” Junmyeon teased him and sat down.

Yixing turned sideways. “Of course not, I couldn’t let you sit alone two days in a row,” he said.

Before Junmyeon could reply, the teacher walked in, and the lesson began.

During the short breaks to change classrooms, Junmyeon found himself talking and walking with Yixing. He learned that Yixing was younger than him just by a few months, that Yixing had learned Korean since he was ten-years-old because he wanted to sing along to Shinhwa’s songs, that Yixing played the piano since he was eight-years-old.

Later it was time for lunch. Junmyeon brought Yixing to sit at his usual table, where three people were already seated.

“Guys, this is Zhang Yixing,” Junmyeon said and sat down.

The three faces looked at Yixing as he sat next to Junmyeon.

“Yeah, I know him,” a tall male said. “Yesterday you were in my class by mistake, weren’t you?” he asked.

Yixing nodded and laughed. The boy laughed too. “I’m Park Chanyeol,” he said. “The little one next to me is Byun Baekhyun, also in the third-year. The other tall one is Oh Sehun, he’s a second-year student. And Junmyeon’s cousin.”

“Yixing, that’s Chinese, right?” Baekhyun asked.

“Yes, I’m Chinese. I lived in Changsha.”

“Cool, how long are you staying here?” Sehun asked.

“For the whole school year,” Yixing said.

“Isn’t this going to interfere with your studies in China?” Baekhyun wondered.

Yixing shook his head. “No, I already graduated.”

“Really? But aren’t we the same age?” Junmyeon asked.

“Yeah, but I got to skip a grade, so I graduated before.”

“You must be a genius,” Chanyeol said in awe.

“No, I’m definitely not,” Yixing replied and laughed. “I skipped the first grade because my parents taught me how to write and read early.”

“Then why didn’t you choose to attend uni?” Sehun inquired.

“High-school seemed more fun.”

“Can’t agree with you on that one,” Baekhyun said and laughed. Everyone else erupted in laughter too.

“Who are you staying with? Relatives?” Junmyeon spoke this time.

“No, I’m living with a host family. Their son used to go here, maybe you knew him… Choi Minho?”

“Isn’t that the guy Jun-” Chanyeol whispered but didn’t finish due to Sehun elbowing his rib. Junmyeon was flushing red. Yixing looked confused.

“Not personally, but he was quite popular around here… You speak Korean very good by the way!” Baekhyun uttered.

“Really? I’m always worried about my accent and intonation, but thanks!” Yixing replied and smiled at him.

For the rest of their lunch, the group continued eating and getting to know Yixing more, as well as telling him about themselves.

* * *

It became a routine for Yixing to sit with the group of friends, and eventually, he became one of them. They spent time together outside of school too, whenever they didn’t have a pile of assignments to finish. And everyone in the group, except maybe Yixing himself, saw how Junmyeon had grown especially fond of Yixing. He would often be smiling and laughing along with Yixing on the corridors. Now that it was spring, Junmyeon had replaced his moped with a bicycle. And after school, he would accompany Yixing home, despite his house was located in the opposite direction (he didn’t tell Yixing it was).

On a warm spring afternoon, near the end of April, their first exam season had finally ended, and the five of them went to celebrate it to the coffee shop they frequented.

“I saw you rejecting Eunjin today, Yixing,” Chanyeol said. “Isn’t this like the second love confession you’ve declined?” he asked.

“Wow, I didn’t know we had a heartbreaker in our gang,” Baekhyun teased him.

“Ten more, and he’ll be just as popular as that Choi Minho guy,” Chanyeol added.

Yixing and the rest laughed at all their remarks. But then Junmyeon noticed how Yixing got serious for the first time since they had met.

Yixing took a sip from his Frappuccino. He had known his friends for over a month now, and he hadn’t said a thing because he had feared their reactions. Not everyone understood it. But at the same time, he felt like a liar for not telling them. So, he looked around and then said, “Actually, I don’t like girls… I’m gay.”

Everyone stared at Yixing. As Yixing met their looks, there wasn’t a single trace of despise in their eyes, only understanding.

“Ah, well that explains it,” Chanyeol said. “I kinda guessed it, but I wasn’t sure.”

“Don’t lie Yeol, you thought he liked Soojung,” Sehun said.

The group laughed, and they continued talking as they had always done. Junmyeon would often stare at Yixing, and whenever their irises found each other’s his heart beat a little faster.

A week later, Yixing went over to Junmyeon’s house for the first time. As Yixing followed Junmyeon on his bicycle, he realized that Junmyeon lived in the opposite direction of his neighborhood. He didn’t comment on it but just smiled to himself.

They arrived at a vast and modern two-story house. The inside was just as neat and pristine as the outside. Junmyeon guided Yixing to his room. He paused before walking in and said, “Sorry, but it’s a little messy.”

“Usually when someone says a ‘little messy’ is just modesty but this… This is a real mess,” Yixing uttered when he followed Junmyeon inside. The bed was undone, clothes and some empty carton boxes laid here and there. It was an untidiness that didn’t correlate with the rest of the house.

“I have a hard time keeping it organized, besides it’s my room, so,” Junmyeon justified himself and shrugged.

“I’m not judging you, I just didn’t pass you like the messy type,” Yixing said, “Besides my room may seem neat, but if you look inside the drawers… total chaos,” he added and laughed. Junmyeon burst out laughing too.

“Well, should we start?” Junmyeon asked once their laughter subsided.

“Yeah, the sooner we finish this report, the better.”

It took a total of four hours for them to complete their biology paper. The sun had settled long ago, and it was past nine o’clock. Yixing had to go home soon, but before that, they sat on the floor and rested their eyes from all the reading and writing.

“You know, last week I didn’t say this but…” Junmyeon said with an almost inaudible voice, “I'm also gay."

Yixing’s eye widened. “Oh… You haven’t told anyone yet?” he murmured.

“No, no, the guys know too. I just… I just don’t dare to say it in public, in school, or anywhere someone might hear it.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m afraid that my parents will find out,” Junmyeon whispered.

“Are they…?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh, Jun,” Yixing said. He moved over to sit right next to Junmyeon. He placed an arm around him and held his hand. It was the first time they had intimate physical contact.

* * *

Near the beginning of May, Baekhyun and Yixing sat down excitedly at their lunch table.

“Hey, what’s up with you two?” Chanyeol asked.

“Well, Yixing and I just signed up for the school festival in June. We’re performing a duet! He’ll play the piano with his ‘amaXing’ skills, and I’ll sing with my killer vocals. We’ll definitely win the grand prize!” Baekhyun exclaimed happily.

“I think it’ll be really fun,” Yixing said.

For a brief second, that only Sehun saw, Junmyeon looked dejected. “Wow, good luck you two... I know you’ll win,” he cheered for them nonetheless.

“Thanks, Jun,” Yixing said and showed him one of his signature dimpled smiles. Junmyeon returned the smile.

“So, I have a list of songs we could try today…” Baekhyun began telling Yixing, but Junmyeon didn’t manage to hear the rest of it, his mind wandered off somewhere else.

When Junmyeon had finished eating, he excused himself and said he needed to bring a book from his locker. Sehun followed after him.

“Junmyeon, wait!” Sehun shouted once they were far away from the cafeteria.

Junmyeon stopped and turned around. There was a hint of sadness in his eyes.

“What happened?” Sehun asked.

“About what?”

“The festival. I thought you said you were going to ask Yixing to sing with you.”

“Ah, that… it doesn’t matter,” Junmyeon replied and feigned a smile.

“But you took extra singing lessons, you were looking forward to it since April, and you have already learned the song by heart,” Sehun said. "Look, I’m pretty sure Baekhyun will understand it if you-”

“No, it’s fine. Baekhyun beat me to it. He asked him first. And Yixing seemed very happy about it.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, totally.”

Sehun saw another forced smile on Junmyeon’s lips. “If you want I can ask Baek-”

“Sehun, no!” Junmyeon almost shouted irritated. He sighed. “Sorry... I better get my book before class starts,” Junmyeon said and walked away.

“Why are you always like this?” Sehun asked none and shook his head.

In the following weeks that passed, to say Junmyeon wasn’t jealous about Yixing and Baekhyun spending time together was a big fat lie. During lunch, the two sat together and talked about nothing else than their duet. The pair stayed after school every day in the music classroom. Yixing didn’t go home with Junmyeon anymore. And on the weekends Yixing didn’t have much time to see Junmyeon because he was either doing some activity with his host family, practicing the piano alone or with Baekhyun, or they had too many assignments that there wasn’t any time left. But Junmyeon and Yixing did text on a regular basis, although it wasn’t quite like talking. And the only moments Junmyeon had Yixing for himself was in class and during their short breaks. It was silly, but Junmyeon felt jealous of his friends.

The day of Junmyeon’s eighteenth birthday fell on a Thursday, almost two weeks until the festival. When he got home, his mother said he had gotten a package. There was a note on top of it that said: ‘So you can save the world, Happy Birthday Jedi! -Xing Xing.’ Junmyeon smiled broadly when he read the piece of paper. He opened the package and saw it was a lightsaber. He hadn’t really expected Yixing would give him something, the congratulations and the hug in the morning had been enough. And he wondered how much trouble Yixing had taken to buy him the present he had wished for since he was little. He left his backpack in his room and bolted outside.

Junmyeon bicycled back to school. He wandered through the corridors until he got to the music classroom. Yixing was playing the piano alone. “Xing,” he said.

Yixing looked up and smiled at him. “Jun, what are you doing here?” he asked.

Nervously, Junmyeon strode closer to stand behind Yixing. “I wanted to thank you for the present,” he said and raised his arms to back hug Yixing. He could smell Yixing’s apple-scented shampoo.

“I’m glad it came on time,” Yixing said as his hands stroked Junmyeon’s arms.

Junmyeon didn’t want to let go of the pianist. He wanted to stay like this, possibly forever. Eventually, though, he inhaled one last time and reluctantly let go of Yixing. Junmyeon was blushing. “Eh... Where’s Baekhyun?” he asked.

Yixing turned around to face him. “His mother called him, he had to leave early.”

“So, you’re practicing by yourself?”

“Yeah, I never played the song before, so I really wanna practice as much as I can.”

“You’re really hardworking.”

Yixing blushed a tad while smiling shyly.

“Hey, can you play the song you were playing when we first met?” Junmyeon asked. He walked over to stand next to the piano.

“Ah, Curtain? Sure,” Yixing said and nodded.

The first chords of the song filled the room. Junmyeon counted the pace in his head, just like he had learned weeks ago, and then he sang.

“Even when the curtains fall…”

Rapidly, Yixing looked at Junmyeon. He gawked as he heard Junmyeon singing.

“…When I sing this song

I’m going back to the times we were together…”

There was a broad smile on Yixing's lips. He thought Junmyeon’s voice fitted the song perfectly.

“…Even if today passes

Now, without you

I can’t pass it by No

Even the times that already passed

Are completely meaningless

When you’re not by my side…”

Yixing was mesmerized by Junmyeon's singing voice, by his gestures, by the way his eyes closed whenever he reached a high note, by the way he shone.

“…This song won’t be over

Even after the show is over and the curtains fall

This song for you will continue…”

Sometimes Junmyeon gazed at Yixing. He saw how he was looking at him with tender eyes and a dimpled smile. His heart skipped, but he wasn’t sure if it was because of Yixing or because he was singing.

“…Will you stay with me like that?

Singing under the Curtain.”

As soon as Yixing pressed the ending piano key, he stood up and clapped loudly. Junmyeon blushed.

“Wow! That was incredible Junmyeon! I didn’t know you could sing so marvelously.”

“Thanks, Xing…” Junmyeon replied meekly.

Yixing stopped clapping. “Shhh, don’t tell this to Baekhyun, but I like your voice a bit more,” he said and winked.

Junmyeon chuckled, but he was still blushing as his heart hammered in his chest.

* * *

The day of the school festival was on a Saturday, the seventh of June. The school’s auditorium was filled with students and some parents. The show started at nine in the morning. Yixing’s and Baekhyun’s act would be in three hours.

Junmyeon, Sehun, and Chanyeol went backstage to wish the duo good luck when there was an hour left. Yixing was wearing a dark suit. His usually styled down hair was styled upwards. To put it in simple words, he looked beautiful. And Yixing radiated, even more, when he gazed at Junmyeon and smiled.

“Jun!” Yixing greeted him.

“Hi Yixing… You look good,” Junmyeon said nervously, hypnotized by Yixing’s beauty. He wished he could have dared to say a better word than ‘good.’ Nonetheless, his compliment earned him another dimpled smile and a faint blush.

“Thanks.”

“Hey! What about me? Don’t I look good too?” Baekhyun complained as he crossed his arms.

Junmyeon stared at Baekhyun and chuckled. “Yeah, yeah Baek, you look good too.”

When Chanyeol, Baekhyun, and Sehun engaged in a conversation, Junmyeon took the chance to speak with Yixing. “Nervous?” he asked.

“Just a tiny bit.”

“Don’t be, I know you’ll do great,” Junmyeon said and patted Yixing’s shoulder. “Fighting!” he added.

Yixing just smiled broadly.

Then, the three from the audience had to go. They wished their friends good luck for the last time and walked back to their seats. They sat in the last row of the auditorium. But not long after sitting Sehun and Junmyeon went to the bathroom.

As they washed their hands, Sehun spoke. “I still think you should have talked to Baekhyun,” he said.

“Sehun, we’ve talked about this.”

“But you wish you were the one singing with him today, don’t you?” Sehun said as he looked at Junmyeon in the mirror.

Junmyeon closed the tap. “I already sang with Yixing two weeks ago, that’s enough for me,” he said. Junmyeon dried his hands and walked outside. Sehun sighed.

Thirty minutes left to Yixing’s and Baekhyun’s performance, someone told Junmyeon and the others, that the pair was calling after them. The trio hurried backstage. Baekhyun was sitting down, his arms were surrounded around his stomach.

“Baek? What’s wrong with you?” Chanyeol asked.

“I don’t think I can sing… My stomach hurts. I knew I shouldn’t have gone eating burgers last night with you Yeol,” Baekhyun answered.

“I think we should take Baekhyun home, guys,” Yixing said worriedly.

Baekhyun shook his head. “No, Xing. I may not be able to sing, but you can still play the piano... Does anyone here know how to sing?” Baekhyun asked, looking around his friends. His eyes met Junmyeon’s. “Junmyeon? You were good in music class; do you know a song Yixing can play?”

Everyone looked at said male expectantly. Junmyeon nodded and said, “Yes, I do, but Baek you two have prepared for weeks, I can’t…”

“Ah, that's true, but it’s a bigger waste that Yixing won’t be able to perform. I think the whole school deserves to hear what a great pianist he is. You two should go anyway. What do you think Yixing?” Baekhyun said.

Yixing looked concerned. “Are you sure, Baekhyun? And what about your health? Will you be alright?” he wondered.

“Oh yeah! It’s just a stomach ache it’ll pass soon. I just need to go home and rest,” Baekhyun reassured Yixing and smiled. “Now go tell the announcers our number has changed, go!” he said.

“If you say so… I hope you get better soon Baek,” Yixing said. Then he and Junmyeon walked towards the announcers.

Chanyeol accompanied Baekhyun home, while Sehun went back to his seat and waited for Yixing’s and now Junmyeon’s performance. Afterward, it was time for their number. Sehun watched Yixing take a seat on the piano stool, Junmyeon stood in the center. Junmyeon glanced at Yixing and subtly nodded. Yixing began playing the piano. A few chords later, Junmyeon’s voice accompanied him. They were singing ‘Curtain.’

Sehun felt someone take a seat next to him. He looked sideways and was surprised to see Baekhyun and Chanyeol sitting.

“I thought you went home,” Sehun whispered.

“No, I’m not sick,” Baekhyun murmured.

“Then, why-”

“He could have told me.”

“What?”

“That he wanted to sing with him.”

Sehun gasped and said, “How did you know?”

“I overheard you two in the bathroom.”

“Sorry,” Sehun apologized.

“For what? It’s really okay. I was just doing it so Yixing could have good memories from this school… and for the 90.000 wons.”

Sehun laughed silently.

“Besides, they look cute,” Baekhyun said as he watched his friends perform on stage. He noticed how sometimes Junmyeon would look sideways to see Yixing. “Junmyeon likes him, doesn’t he?” he whispered in Sehun’s ear. 

Sehun nodded and said, “Totally.”

Junmyeon and Yixing won the festival’s competition. Junmyeon gave his part of the price to Baekhyun, he didn’t need the money. The performance and the picture he had of him and Yixing holding their trophy brought him more than enough happiness.

* * *

After the festival, another busy season came for the students. Exams, presentations, projects, and reports tormented them. But time passed and before they knew it summer had begun. The days were hotter and hotter, the sun shone brightly in the sky and today was the last day of school before the summer break.

“What are we going to do during the break?” Baekhyun asked the group during lunch.

“We should go on a trip to the beach,” Chanyeol said.

“That sounds nice, when can you guys?” Baekhyun inquired.

“I can’t, my host family wants us to travel to the countryside for the whole summer,” Yixing said.

“What? How come you didn’t tell us before?” Junmyeon said dejectedly.

“Sorry, they just told me this yesterday…”

“Well, that sucks. But we should do something today instead!” Baekhyun exclaimed.

“What about bicycling in Yeouido Hangang Park? It’s pretty this time of the year,” Sehun said.

Everyone nodded and agreed to Sehun’s suggestions. They decided to meet after school, around five o’clock in the park. Yixing asked Junmyeon if he could accompany him, Junmyeon, of course, said yes.

In the park, the group first bicycled around the area. Sometimes they competed over who could get faster somewhere. Usually, Sehun was the winner. And when they had gotten too tired, they played near the water fountains, tossing water at each other. It was as if they were back to being children again.

Eventually, it became dark, and Baekhyun, Chanyeol, and Sehun had to go home. They said goodbye to Yixing and wished him to have a nice break. Yixing said the same as well. And when the trio left, Junmyeon and Yixing walked to sit on the border near the Han river. On the horizon, they saw the city of lights shining before them, the tall and majestic buildings.

“What time do you leave?” Junmyeon asked.

“Around ten in the morning.”

“Have you packed?”

Yixing laughed. “No, I was thinking of just dropping some clothes in my luggage tonight.”

Junmyeon giggled.

“Hey Jun, will you miss me while I’m gone?” Yixing asked.

Junmyeon blushed, he knew he’ll miss Yixing. He had expected they would spend summer break together, meeting every day, doing random or and fun things, but now that wasn’t possible. “I will Xing,” he replied nervously. “You have practically become family, hehe, of course, I’d miss you,” he added. This wasn’t near the truth of what Junmyeon felt for Yixing, but whenever he got nervous Junmyeon would ramble the most idiotic things.

“So… I’m like a brother to you?”

Now it was too late to decline. “Yeah, you know, just like Baekhyun and the others…”

Since Junmyeon was too distracted glancing at the buildings in front of them, he didn’t see the faint disappointment on Yixing’s face.


	3. Chapter 3

**Unanswered questions**

There was a large mirror above the sink. Junmyeon stood in front of it, seeking an answer. He asked for a reply to the question that never left his mind ever since his memory had been wiped out, _‘Who am I?’_

He observed his features, his dark brown hair. It was styled down and covered most of his forehead. Did he like his hair this way? He couldn’t know. Junmyeon continued seeing his strong eyebrows, lips, nose, eyes, cheekbones, ears, a mole above his upper lip. This has always been his face, somehow, he knew that, but there was still a lingering unfamiliarity with the image. His eyes found a small scar where his right eyebrow started. He touched the damaged skin and wondered how he had gotten it. What had he done? When did he get the scar? Had it hurt?

His eyes gazed at the rest of the bathroom. There was a wooden cabinet underneath the sink, a toilet seat to his right, and a shower with glass doors to his left. It was a small bathroom, but the interior coordinated with the modern and clean design of the apartment. Junmyeon wondered how many times he had been in this place. Had he ever taken a shower here before? He remembered Yixing saying they had bought this apartment when they decided to move in together three years ago. There was a master bathroom in Yixing’s room, so, he guessed this might be the first time he used this shower.

Junmyeon had possibly a hundred questions about himself and his surroundings. However, in the span of five days, he had, of course, only got a few answers. And Junmyeon feared that he would spend the rest of his life searching for answers that didn’t exist. Answers that only his old self knew, answers that had been confined in the depths of his mind but were now completely gone, deleted, and vanished. Junmyeon grabbed the border of the sink with both hands. He stared at himself again.

“Today is Thursday, August seventh. I’m Kim Junmyeon,” he told himself.

“I was born in Seoul, South Korea. I can speak Korean,” Junmyeon said in Korean. He remembered how to speak his mother tongue without a problem. He didn’t know why, but again he was aware that the way he pronounced the words was correct.

But, he switched back to Chinese when he spoke again. “You’re thirty years old. Your birthday is on May twenty-two,” he said. Maybe it was because Yixing had said they had always spoken Chinese with each other that he was more comfortable speaking in the said language.

“My parents threw me out of their house when I was twenty. I haven’t talked to them ever since.”

His grip around the sink tightened.

“I moved to Guangzhou seven years ago, I work as a pharmacologist. I liked going to work.”

“I met Zhang Yixing back in high school in Seoul. We reunited years later again in Guangzhou. I’m gay. I used to be in a relationship with him. I was going to marry him.”

“Our relationship lasted five years. I broke up with Yixing in May… I left him a goodbye note.”

“I was in a car accident. It wasn’t my fault. I lost my memory.”

As Junmyeon mouthed his monolog, he felt a stingy sensation that he couldn’t quite place. A pent-up feeling from everything that happened to him. Was it anger? Frustration? Fear? Or confusion? It could be a mix of everything. And as he stared at himself, Junmyeon wanted to scream. All his memories, the ones Yixing told him, and the other ones left to find out, were and will just be words. He couldn’t connect with the events because something lacked… The sensation of going through those happening, the memory of them taking place. So, when Junmyeon heard an old memory, they came to his mind as mere facts. It was exasperating because he needed to understand more than just that information. He wanted to know if he had felt sad or angered because his parents didn’t speak to him. Why had he fallen for Yixing? What in the world had gone through his mind when he left Yixing? Why did he love his job? Why did he decide to move to Guangzhou? Why did he become a pharmacologist? Did he love chemistry? What kind of person had he been before? Why did he act the way he did? He had far too many questions but only a few answers.

However, there was a particular emotion that Junmyeon did feel when he heard memories from his past. It wasn’t a pleasant one, it was fear. He feared to discover things about himself that he couldn’t approve of now, things that might make him realize what an awful person he had been. The goodbye note, for example, he felt so ashamed and burdened about that incident. It was a horrible way to end things with someone. And he couldn’t fathom why Yixing had decided to help him out. If it had been the other way around, Junmyeon knew he would have completely disregarded the idea of helping an amnesic Yixing. But what if his old self had thought differently?

Junmyeon sighed and let go of the sink. He continued staring at himself. That was his face, he was Kim Junmyeon, Korean, thirty-years-old, pharmacologist, apparently used to be a coward, suffers from severe retrograde amnesia, and is living with his former fiancé for the time being.

Regarding this living arrangement, Junmyeon didn’t mind living with Yixing. He thought Yixing was caring, sweet, and nice, perhaps too nice. And Junmyeon was thankful to Yixing for deciding to help him retrieve parts of his past, despite not understanding Yixing's motives. But Junmyeon knew that the sooner he found out about his old self, the better it would be for Yixing. Right now, Junmyeon didn’t feel any romantic feelings towards Yixing, and he would make sure not to develop any. It wasn’t fair that Yixing had to live with the idiot who cowardly left him, the idiot who couldn’t even remember him anymore nor the reason why he had left.

Junmyeon sighed again, undressed quickly, and stepped inside the shower. The ice-cold water hitting his skin didn’t feel as unpleasant as the feeling within himself.

The following morning, when Junmyeon woke up, he wondered what he’ll do about his work in the pharmaceutical company. He still remembered what he worked with and what he did at work, despite not remembering his workplace or colleagues. While they were eating breakfast, he asked Yixing. He told him not to worry about it that it was alright. His boss had given him four weeks off to recover and get used to everything. They expected Junmyeon to come back at the beginning of September.

In the late afternoon, Yixing drove Junmyeon to his apartment. Junmyeon had said that he wanted to see it. Since the hospital had given them Junmyeon’s belongings: his wallet, keys, and smartphone, they could get in. But Yixing had to call Junmyeon’s cousin, Sehun, to find out where he lived now. That’s how Junmyeon had learned he had a cousin who lived in Paris and worked as a fashion designer but was also a former model. Apparently, they had been very close since they were children up till now. It felt odd for Junmyeon to speak with Sehun on the phone, someone who cared for him, but who Junmyeon didn’t recall.

Yixing had also given Junmyeon a new smartphone. His old one remained locked, and it was evident Junmyeon would never remember the PIN code. This phone had both Sehun’s and Yixing’s numbers saved.

When they arrived at Junmyeon’s apartment building, it was considerably smaller than Yixing’s. Junmyeon didn’t remember which floor he lived on, but after looking at the list in the lobby, it seemed that it was on the second floor.

Junmyeon took the keys and unlocked the door. The first thing he noted was the scattered shoes in the hall. As they continued walking further inside the flat, he gawked. The apartment was small and a complete mess. His bedroom had clothes dispersed everywhere, there were tiny shreds of papers on the floor. In the living room, there were empty food boxes and bottles. In the kitchen, there were dirty dishes in the sink and almost no food in the fridge or cabinets. And the place lacked items and furniture that made it a home. It was as if Junmyeon had just moved in and not months earlier.

“Have I always been this filthy?” Junmyeon asked Yixing as he looked around the living room.

Yixing shook his head. “No, you’re not filthy Junmyeon. You’ve had a little trouble keeping things organized, but never like this.”

Junmyeon looked at Yixing. He didn’t know if Yixing was too considerate to tell him that yes, he had always lived like a pig. He wondered how Yixing could have put out with him being untidy when they lived together. From the look of Yixing’s apartment, it was clear that he liked keeping things organized and clean. He wondered how many times Yixing must have nagged at him to clean. Either way, he didn’t ask more about it but felt ashamed of that whole mess.

“I think I better start off with cleaning this dumpster,” Junmyeon said.

Yixing nodded, “Yeah, let me help you,” he offered.

Junmyeon gave him a grateful smile, a smile that Yixing returned.

First, they went to the supermarket and bought cleaning supplies since Junmyeon almost didn’t have any. Then they began cleaning. It took them quite some time to clean everything. In the end, they had gathered five bags of trash and two stacks of laundry. And now that the apartment was neat, it looked minimalistic. Junmyeon kept wondering why his former self had never bothered to buy things like a television, a larger couch, more than just five plates and glasses, why he had only two bedsheets and one pillow. He asked himself many questions and felt frustrated that neither he nor Yixing had the answers to those questions.

Then, Yixing had to leave for work. He told Junmyeon he worked at the restaurant from six o’clock to one in the morning. Yixing offered Junmyeon to follow him so he could eat at the restaurant, but Junmyeon declined. Junmyeon said he could buy something from the store nearby. Yixing seemed worried but didn’t try to convince him otherwise. Yixing also asked if he should pick him up at half-past one, or if Junmyeon preferred to sleep here. Junmyeon looked around his cold and empty home. Honestly, he was quite afraid of sleeping alone in that place. So, he told Yixing he didn’t mind waiting for him until late at night. Yixing smiled at him and said he’ll call him when he was outside.

After Yixing had left, Junmyeon went inside his bedroom. As they were cleaning, he had found a box inside his closet that contained some mementos. He didn’t tell Yixing about the box but first wanted to look at it by himself.

Junmyeon kneeled down, brought out the box, and opened it. The first thing he took out was a sword-like item with a red blade. Junmyeon pressed a button, and it emitted a strange sound. He recognized it as a lightsaber. He knew what it was but couldn’t remember where he had seen it before. He wondered if this was a childhood toy if it was the last present his parents gave him. He placed the lightsaber on the floor.

Next, Junmyeon brought out a photo album. The first picture he saw of himself was as a little baby. Two grown-ups were holding him, his parents, he guessed. As he continued scrolling through the album, Junmyeon also observed pictures he took besides another little boy. Then, as he saw photographs of himself as a teenager, the other little boy had also grown. He assumed that must be his cousin Sehun, and with his model-like features, it wasn’t weird that his cousin had become one. There were two more unfamiliar faces as he scrolled forward. A short raven-haired boy and a taller brunette boy. Junmyeon didn’t recognize anything from those photographs. But as Junmyeon saw himself he noticed how happy he looked, how brightly he smiled beside those strangers. He felt that uneasy sensation again.

When Junmyeon thought of dropping the album and continue searching in the box, he saw a photograph that called his attention. It was of him and apparently Yixing. He almost didn’t recognize him with his hair up. In the picture their arms were surrounded around each other’s, they were smiling, Yixing was wearing a suit, and he was clad in his school uniform, they were holding a small trophy and a bucket of flowers. Junmyeon remembered seeing that trophy on a shelf in Yixing’s living room earlier. He felt a lump in his throat, and he quickly let go of the photo album.

Junmyeon decided to not keep looking inside the box. He picked up the album and the toy, but as he placed them inside the box, he saw many colored small cartons. ‘Pepero’ he read from the Korean words that were on them. Junmyeon saw that Pepero was a brand of Korean cookie sticks covered with chocolate. He grabbed one Pepero package and opened it. There was nothing inside. He sighed. Did he like collecting trash? Or why else had he kept these, what seemed to be, two dozen of empty Pepero boxes?

He put back the empty cookie box. And then he laid down on the floor. Junmyeon lay on the floor until his stomach growled and he decided to head out and buy some food. After eating, he sat in his almost empty living room and waited for Yixing to pick him up.


	4. Chapter 4

**The vanished memories II**

Time moved leisurely during the summer break. Studying and preparing for the college entrance exam didn’t make things easier. And when Junmyeon did have time to have fun with friends, he missed something, or rather someone, being with him.

Yet by the end of August, the second semester started, and Junmyeon was thrilled to finally see Yixing again. As he saw Yixing walking across the schoolyard, he ran towards him. The brief feeling of Yixing’s arm around his upper back was enthralling, a contact he didn’t know he needed until he felt it.

As the rustling wind became drier and cooler, the leaves turned yellow, and the trees got barer, Junmyeon wished time wouldn’t rush this quickly. If only everything could last longer. The moments seating beside Yixing. The conversations they shared at their lunch table. The minutes he and Yixing walked home together. On the occasional days on the weekend he and his friends reunited. The school projects he and Yixing worked on after school. He was used to this routine, to these friends, to his heart beating far too fast whenever he was with Yixing. No, Junmyeon didn’t want anything to change. But soon it was October, and it brought along heartbreaks, jealousy, and love.

It all began on a Wednesday afternoon when Chanyeol and Yixing had stayed behind to play basketball. Because neither Junmyeon, Sehun, and Baekhyun were interested in sports, they had declined to play and let the other two have fun. This itself wasn’t troublesome, but what happened on the following day’s school lunch was.

Chanyeol grinned when he saw Yixing and Junmyeon taking a seat at the table. “You haven’t told them yet, have you?” he asked Yixing.

Yixing shook his head and chuckled.

“Good! So, I’ll go ahead!” Chanyeol said. He gestured the group to draw closer and lowered his voice, “Yixing got asked out on a date!”

Baekhyun and Sehun looked at each other with furrowed eyebrows. Yixing blushed a tad. Chanyeol smiled, and Junmyeon gawked slightly while a stingy sensation infected his chest.

The silence that followed lasted three blinks of an eye because Junmyeon regained his composure. He smiled – a fake smile Sehun noticed – and said “Oh, really? Who asked you?”

“His name is Taekwoon,” Yixing said.

Taekwoon, the name rolling out of Yixing’s tongue pierced Junmyeon’s ears. But he kept feigning his excitement, he knew this was the first time someone had asked Yixing out. Sehun and Baekhyun showed the same enthusiasm aware that Junmyeon was probably heartbroken to hear this.

Taekwoon was in the same class as Chanyeol. After their basketball match, yesterday, when everyone had left except Yixing and Chanyeol, he asked the question. But instead of waiting for Yixing to say something, he gave him his phone number in a note and told him to call or text saying his answer, then he ran away.

Yixing held the paper, confused and dumbfounded about what happened. Chanyeol laughed and said that Taekwoon had finally dared to say something. As the two walked home, he explained that Taekwoon seemed to have a crush on Yixing since forever but didn’t’ say anything because he didn’t know if Yixing was gay or not. Whenever he asked Chanyeol about it, Chanyeol told him that it wasn’t his business to go around telling personal information about his friend. But because of the rumors flying around at school about Yixing rejecting six girls, Chanyeol believed Taekwoon had come to his own conclusion. Chanyeol also told Yixing he’d known him for two years and that he was a thoughtful, sweet guy.

“So, what did you say to him?” Sehun asked once Chanyeol, and Yixing stopped talking.

“After hearing Chanyeol putting in a good word for him, I thought about it and well… Why not? It’s just one time, and it might be fun. So, I said yes,” Yixing replied and smiled, his dimples showing.

“When is it?” Junmyeon asked. He held his glass of water a bit too tight.

“This Saturday.”

Junmyeon forced another smile. “I hope you have a good time.” Then, he stood up and told Yixing they should hurry up since their classroom was on the other side of the building. The two said goodbye to their friends.

Once Yixing and Junmyeon left the cafeteria, Baekhyun buried his face in his hands and murmured ‘shit’ under his breath. Sehun rolled his eyes and smacked Chanyeol’s neck.

Chanyeol groaned and said, “Sehun! What the fuck?”

“Why didn’t you lie and said that Taekwoon guy was horrible?” Sehun asked.

Chanyeol stroked his neck as he wondered why he should have lied. Baekhyun looked up and whispered in his ear, “Because Junmyeon likes him.”

“Who? Taekwoon?”

“No, Yixing!” Sehun said.

Chanyeol gawked as he realized what had happened. “Oh no…” he said. Everyone else sighed in agreement.

When the school day ended, Junmyeon didn’t feel like accompanying Yixing. He couldn’t help feeling jealous and hurt about the matter, although he had no right since he and Yixing were only best friends. Thankfully, Sehun had waited for him outside of school. He said he needed to speak with Junmyeon. Hence, Junmyeon said goodbye to Yixing and went with his cousin instead.

Junmyeon walked holding his bicycle in silence until Sehun finally spoke halfway through.

“You need to tell Yixing how you feel.”

Junmyeon’s eyes widened. “What? How do you know?” he asked. He didn’t remember telling anyone about his feelings. He was neither obvious about them.

“Oh, come on, Junmyeon. I know you. I’ve seen how you look at Yixing, how you smile with him. You’re in love with him, aren’t you?”

Junmyeon sighed. “Well, that doesn’t matter now. Yixing doesn’t like me back.”

“Did he say that?”

Junmyeon saw how there were no leaves on the trees now. He tried to evade Sehun’s gaze. “No, but nobody likes me anyway, so it’s fine. Besides, Yixing seems excited about his date.”

“Stop saying that… And this is the school festival all over again, isn’t it? When will you stop being like this?” Sehun asked.

Junmyeon frowned. “Look Sehun, I’m not going to bother Yixing with my one-sided feelings, not when… his first date is three days away.”

“Sometimes it’s good to burden others with our feelings,” Sehun said, “and I’m sure Yixing is just going out of curiosity and not because he likes that guy. You have to tell him. Otherwise, you’ll regret it when he does fall for that guy.”

The raging pain invaded Junmyeon’s chest again. But instead of arguing with Sehun, he jumped on his bicycle, said goodbye to his cousin, and pedaled back home.

* * *

On Friday evening Sehun stood outside of the Choi household.

He debated whether to ring the bell. For the past two days, Sehun had always nagged Junmyeon to talk with Yixing. But Junmyeon ignored his words and said it was alright. To Sehun, though, it was evident that Junmyeon wasn’t fine at all. The faint sadness in his eyes, his tone, and forced smiles were a sign.

Sehun was aware that butting in might be turning their relationship awkward and uncomfortable if Yixing didn’t feel the same as Junmyeon. Yet he believed Yixing had to know his actions were hurting Junmyeon, even if Yixing wasn’t at fault. Anyone would say it was selfish of him to ask Yixing this, but if it would avoid Junmyeon from suffering in silence, he didn’t mind being inconsiderate. Therefore, Sehun believed he was doing the right thing standing outside of Yixing’s home. He rang the doorbell.

A woman greeted him, and after introducing himself, he asked after Yixing. She invited him in, but Sehun said it’ll be brief and preferred waiting outside. The woman went back inside the house. Moments later, Sehun saw Yixing. He smiled, greeted him, and again asked Sehun if he was sure he didn’t want to go in.

“No, thanks, Xing,” Sehun said, “I just wanted to say… You have to cancel your date with that Taekwoon guy tomorrow.”

Yixing looked confused. “Why?”

“Because you’re hurting Junmyeon.”

“What? How am I hurting him?”

This was the moment that would either change everything or nothing. Sehun breathed in and hoped he wasn’t making a mistake. “He’s hurt because he has feelings for you… romantic feelings,” Sehun said.

Yixing’s eyes widened as his jaw opened slightly. “Wait,” he said, “Are you sure?”

Sehun nodded, “Yes, he didn’t tell me explicitly, but he didn’t deny it when I asked him.”

“I thought Junmyeon saw me as a friend, a brother. He even said so himself but-”

“He’s not really the best at expressing his true feelings. He has bad self-confidence and thinks he’s unlikable… maybe because no one has ever confessed to him and he got rejected in the first year. But I’ve seen how he’s with you… and he certainly has feelings for you. So, I hope you reconsider your decision.”

Sehun left then. He had done his job now, and it was up to Yixing what happened next. Whether Yixing felt the same for Junmyeon or not, he’ll find out about it on Monday, or when Junmyeon called to scold him for not keeping his mouth shut.

* * *

After Sehun had left, Yixing stood outside. He was smiling, a wide dimpled smile. Yixing ran back inside the house. Half an hour later he was out again, he grabbed his bicycle and went towards Junmyeon’s neighborhood. He should have checked the weather because two blocks away from Junmyeon’s house, he felt water soaking his cheeks, and then it started raining.

He rang the door, and Junmyeon opened it. Junmyeon seemed startled and told Yixing to get in before he caught a cold. He handed him a towel. Yixing followed Junmyeon to his room as he dried off. This time the room was clean and tidy. Junmyeon laughed when Yixing praised him. They sat down on the floor, and Junmyeon wondered why Yixing had come.

“Can we talk freely?” Yixing asked.

Junmyeon nodded and said that yes, his parents were out buying take-out. They had a good thirty minutes before they returned.

Yixing kept his gaze on him. “I canceled my plans for tomorrow.” He awaited Junmyeon’s reaction and saw the relief that vanished instantly. Instead, Junmyeon asked surprised why Yixing had done that.

“Because it wasn’t fair. I don’t like Taekwoon, and honestly, I was just trying to make someone jealous. I told him this, and he said it was okay, but it wasn’t fair.”

Junmyeon didn’t say anything. He stared at Yixing with an open mouth.

“Jun, do you really only see me as a friend?” Yixing asked. He wanted Junmyeon to say it first so he could be completely sure this wasn’t a misunderstanding.

Junmyeon stuttered and interchanged his answer between yes, no, and maybe. He was nervous and looked around the room, avoiding Yixing’s scrutinizing gaze.

Yixing drew closer to Junmyeon. He cupped Junmyeon’s cheeks and slightly turned his head to face him. Their eyes met. “Please, be honest,” Yixing said.

“No, I don’t,” Junmyeon said and exhaled. “I… I have a crush on you Xing, but it might be mo-more than a crush by now… Sorry.”

He let go of Junmyeon’s cheeks and instead raised his arms to hug Junmyeon. Yixing held Junmyeon close to his chest, not minding that he was soaking him. And when he felt Junmyeon’s arm around his back he said, “No, you forgive me for putting you through this. Thank heavens, Jun! I’ve been in love with you for months.”

Junmyeon chuckled, and Yixing did too.

When they let go of each other Yixing explained everything as he grasped Junmyeon’s hand. He said that he grew fonder of Junmyeon the more they spent time together. It took some time, but he finally realized the feeling in his chest whenever he saw Junmyeon. But when Junmyeon said Yixing was a brother to him, he was disappointed. He didn’t know how to change things without causing Junmyeon discomfort. And he started to believe Junmyeon would always see him as a friend. Or maybe Yixing had been too dense to notice Junmyeon’s feelings since Sehun knew about them.

Taekwoon had come to his salvation. Yixing wasn’t interested in him, and even if it was awful, he had accepted the date as his last resort to awoken something in Junmyeon. Still, Junmyeon being the selfless person he was, never said a thing to Yixing about declining the date for his sake. He wasn’t aware of how hurt Junmyeon felt. Junmyeon always put everyone else’s feelings before his; it was admirable that he managed to help Yixing getting ready and giving him advice on what to tomorrow, despite the sadness he must have felt.

And because Junmyeon didn’t utter a word, Yixing thought of giving up and attending the date nonetheless. However, Sehun gave him hope again. And once he apologized to Taekwoon, he came here immediately to confirm his thoughts and say what he honestly felt. He apologized once more for hurting Junmyeon.

Junmyeon was beyond happy to hear Yixing felt the same. Even if he scolded Yixing for trying to make him jealous at the expense of others. Then, he said that he had always felt a more than a friendly affection for Yixing, that later developed to love. But he was extremely self-conscious, and ever since Choi Minho rejected him in the first year, he was afraid of confessing his feelings to anyone. He never thought highly of himself, so he convinced himself that Yixing was just being friendly and could not reciprocate his feelings.

Fear of rejection had come in their way. However, there was still an issue left. To his parents, Junmyeon wasn’t gay. He felt like a coward because he didn’t wish to have possibly the worst confrontation with them yet. Being together Junmyeon and Yixing could never be seen in public. They couldn’t have intimate moments if they were on a date. They couldn’t walk home holdings hand. They had to keep it hidden. Was Yixing prepared to do that? Yixing cupped his cheeks again and said, “Jun, even if you're mine only for brief moments in secrecy, it’s better than nothing.”

Junmyeon looked at Yixing lovingly. Yixing stared at his lips and said, “Can I-”

“Kiss me,” Junmyeon said. Yixing let go of Junmyeon’s cheeks.

With closed eyes, both leaned in at the same time resulting in a crash of foreheads and teeth. They erupted in laughter.

“I think we have to tilt our heads,” Junmyeon said as he rubbed his forehead. Yixing nodded as he smiled.

They tried again, and this time, they shared a chaste first kiss.

* * *

Baekhyun, Sehun, and Chanyeol were relieved to hear the two had realized their feelings. Though, Chanyeol, couldn’t help feeling sorry for Taekwoon. Still, they supported them wholeheartedly.

Not much changed after Junmyeon’s and Yixing’s confession. Not in the eyes of strangers at least. Yixing and Junmyeon still spent time together during their breaks, they still walked home together, they still laughed and joked as before.

But within themselves, things did change. Looking at each other knowing their feelings were reciprocated caused them an indescribable joy. The smiles they shared with one another were enough to make their days brighter. Their fast-beating heartbeats were more than welcomed.

And in the time that passed, Junmyeon and Yixing grew closer and closer to one another. Even though Junmyeon hadn’t forgotten that time was moving fast, too fast, he made sure to completely reminiscence every memory he spent with Yixing.

For Yixing’s eighteen birthday, they couldn’t celebrate it as a couple, but they still had a lovely time as ‘friends.’ Junmyeon also gave Yixing one of his childhood wishes. He bought him Shinhwa’s entire discography. And on their latest album release, there were two signatures, and greetings addressed to Yixing from Eric, the leader, and Andy, the maknae. How Junmyeon had gotten, it was beyond Yixing’s reason (Junmyeon’s father had worked with them before). But Yixing gawked and smiled so broadly that his dimples sank even more as held the music album. Junmyeon smiled, proud of himself for making Yixing that happy. Yixing wanted to give him a kiss, but he had to conform himself with a hug. Yet he whispered to Junmyeon how much he appreciated him.

They also had their first date ever after two weeks of being together. It was mostly spending time with a friend, rather than an actual date, but neither of them complained. By the end of the day, despite the weather, they sat down near the Han River and saw the water running and the glowing lights in front of them. Junmyeon’s little finger was on top of Yixing’s little finger the whole time they spoke. It was a subtle, silly touch of affection, but for them, it was as meaningful as holding hands.

The moments in which they did have intimacy was behind closed doors in Junmyeon’s or Yixing’s room. They didn’t go overboard yet, only shared kissed, chaste or not, held hands, embraced each other, or touched here and there. Even if their secret meetings lasted for an hour to four, depending on what kind of schoolwork or ‘school work’ they did, it felt brief.

Time flew too fast as they laid in bed with clasped hands, talking about their future and dreams. Junmyeon said he wished to continue studying something related to science, or specifically chemistry, his favorite subject. It would be hard to get into SNU, but he believed if he persevered and worked hard enough, he would ace the entrance exam. Yixing wished Junmyeon the best of luck, but he knew Junmyeon’s effort would take him there.

On the other hand, Yixing was cloven, although not exactly. His parents were college professors; hence he had skipped the first-grade. But they expected big things from him, things like deciding to study molecular physics at university. Yet that wasn’t what he wanted. And Junmyeon was surprised to hear Yixing say he dreamed of becoming a chef rather than a professional pianist. Yixing had explained that the piano was more of his hobby, cooking was his passion. One day, he would make sure to cook Junmyeon some traditional food from Changsha. Junmyeon smiled, he would be looking forward to that day. Returning to Yixing’s problem, he didn’t quite know what to do. Part of the reason for his exchange year had not only been to improve his Korean, but also to gain more time. Because he needed more time before telling his parents he wanted to go to culinary school and not college.

Junmyeon understood Yixing’s worry about being a disappointment to one’s family. He raised his hand and caressed Yixing’s cheek. He said he wished that when Yixing’s parents heard his true dream, they would support and love him no matter what. Deep down, Junmyeon wished the same for himself as well.

The days got colder and colder, a sign of winter getting near. And on November eleventh, Junmyeon and Yixing finally said the three magical words to each other.

Junmyeon arrived at the school as usual. He walked to his locker, and when he opened it, he smiled widely. He couldn’t believe what his eyes saw. Then, he giggled staring at the possibly over twenty flamboyant boxes filling his locker. Pepero of all flavors and all colors.

There was a note attached to one of the boxes. Junmyeon took it and read the words:

'Jun, sorry it’s twelve years late but, Happy Pepero Day!! – Your Xing ^^ ❤’

Junmyeon smiled more, so much that his cheeks were glowing. He felt elated with Yixing’s surprise, and he hadn’t expected Yixing would have remembered his silly story.

Almost seven months ago, when he and Yixing were still getting to know each other, Junmyeon had told Yixing about one tragic Pepero Day he had spent while they were eating Peperos.

He remembered being a naive six-year-old, looking forward to exchanging Peperos with his classmates. But even after giving out five boxes, no one had bothered to give him one. Still, his six-year-old self had smiled through the pain and thought that maybe on their next break he would receive one Pepero. But it didn't happen either on the following or the next break. And before Junmyeon knew it the school day ended and his mother had come to pick him up. He broke down then and started crying because the day was over and nobody had given him a Pepero. His mother comforted him and said that it was all right, maybe next year he’ll get one. But little Junmyeon couldn’t wait for such an eternity, and he kept crying more and more. In the end, his mother had to buy him one Pepero to calm him down.

And now eighteen-year-old Junmyeon had received not only one, but twenty-four Peperos from the best person he had ever met. He felt a bit sad he only had bought one Pepero for Yixing, but Junmyeon knew that Yixing wouldn’t mind at all.

Junmyeon kept grinning as he walked to his classroom. Yixing sat there already. Since nobody besides them was inside, he rapidly strode over to back hug Yixing. He held him tightly and said the words with such easiness, “Thank you, Xing, I love you.”

Yixing turned around to see him. His dimples were showing. He stood up and quickly pecked Junmyeon’s cheek. “I love you too, Jun,” he said with the same calmness as Junmyeon.

Nothing compared to the feeling of looking at the one they loved and murmuring or hearing them say those three magical words.

December came, and it brought along the snow, blocked roads, cold burning cheeks, and sharing cozy cups of warm chocolate. It was their second-month anniversary, and they could celebrate it together (unlike their first one which had been on an exam day).

Rather than doing nothing in their houses, Junmyeon took Yixing to the ice rink outdoors. He would have preferred going skiing, but Yixing didn’t know how to, and there wasn’t enough time to teach him. Plus, Yixing had gone ice skating before, so there wasn’t a problem. At least this time Junmyeon and Yixing had a good enough reason to hold hands in public, albeit momentarily because they helped each other to keep their balance.

They laughed and giggled as they competed about who could imitate the best tricks. Neither of them could do it of course which resulted in them either falling or ridiculing themselves. But at some point Yixing had collided with Junmyeon, pushing them against the railing. Yixing was as swift as lightning to peck Junmyeon’s cheek before backing away from him. Luckily for them, there weren’t many people on the ice.

Junmyeon beamed at him, caressed the place Yixing’s lips had touched, and soundlessly mouthed “I love you, Yixing.”

Yixing said back out loud but in Chinese with his Changsha dialect, “ _I love you too, Junmian_.”

Junmyeon smiled at him, every time he heard Yixing say those words were like a joyful melody.

* * *

On a Saturday afternoon in December, snow was falling outside, and Junmyeon had the house for himself. Yixing arrive near five o’clock. He’d be sleeping over there. And they had planned this moment ever since Junmyeon found out his parents were spending their wedding anniversary in Japan.

Most of the afternoon they spent it holding hands, kissing, finishing their assignments, or lazing around.

In the evening, long after eating their dinner, it was finally time. After each one had taken a shower, they held hands as they sat on their knees in Junmyeon’s undone bed.

“Are you nervous, Xing?” Junmyeon asked.

Yixing told Junmyeon to place his head on his chest. He caressed Junmyeon’s hair and said, “What does it sound like?”

“It’s beating like crazy, loudly.”

Yixing chuckled. “There’s your answer.”

Junmyeon told Yixing to do the same. And as Yixing put his ear on top of Junmyeon’s chest, he heard the same erratic heartbeats he was feeling. Yixing smiled meekly. It seemed both were equally nervous and expectant about this.

“Then, shall we…?” Yixing said after their brief silence.

Junmyeon’s cheeks were warm. He beamed and said, “Yes.” He squeezed their hands gently. “I love you,” Junmyeon whispered.

Yixing’s dimples sank in as he smiled. He moved closer to Junmyeon and said to his ear, “I love you too, Jun.” He grabbed Junmyeon’s hips. He leaned in and locked his lips with Junmyeon’s. It was a chaste, slow touch. Until Junmyeon parted his lips and sucked Yixing’s plump bottom lip into his mouth. Then it got fierce, hurried, and sloppy.

Junmyeon’s breath hitched as Yixing removed his t-shirt. He grasped the hem of Yixing’s shirt, pulled it upwards, and tossed it away. He leaned down, and Yixing sat on top of him, his crotch brushing against Junmyeon’s. Yixing moved his hands around Junmyeon’s chest. Junmyeon quivered when Yixing bent down and sucked his pert nipple. His wet tongue traced it back and forth while his other hand squeezed the neglected nipple. Junmyeon closed his eyes as Yixing repeated the action, sensing uncontrollable arousal down his lower region.

Yixing traced the rest of Junmyeon’s chest with his mouth. With slurping sounds, he sucked Junmyeon’s collarbones but made sure to not leave behind any traces. Junmyeon arched his neck as he continued upwards. Yixing let his breath tickle Junmyeon’s ear before his tongue traced the earlobe. Junmyeon whimpered beneath him.

Junmyeon felt a tantalizing friction between their crotches when Yixing repositioned. Yixing sat between his knees, holding the waistband of his pants and boxers. Yixing looked at him, and Junmyeon nodded. He raised his lower back and breathed out once his length was released. It stood firm and fully erect.

Yixing’s lustful eyes roamed Junmyeon’s naked body. He bit his lower lip as and stroked Junmyeon’s thighs, checking him out from head to toe.

With burning cheeks, Junmyeon sat up straight and pulled down Yixing’s pants and underwear. He also needed to see Yixing’s nakedness. Instantly Yixing stripped, throwing away the unnecessary garments. Junmyeon’s eyes stuck on Yixing’s equally erect length.

They moved closer. Yixing clasped Junmyeon’s dick. He stroked it, taking his time to drag his hand along Junmyeon’s length. His pace quickened. And Junmyeon moaned shamelessly while Yixing jerked him off.

“Touch mine too, Jun,” Yixing purred in Junmyeon’s ear.

Amid his headiness, Junmyeon held Yixing’s dick in his hand and stroked it, slowly and then with the same pace as Yixing.

Yixing pressed their foreheads together. They breathed each other's air heavily with lips barely touching. Their hands kept moving at the same pace, stroking, squeezing, rubbing, precum releasing from both.

Junmyeon was close, oh so close, when Yixing stopped them both. “Xing,” he whined.

“Not yet,” Yixing whispered. He got up from the bed and rummaged his backpack.

Junmyeon leaned back on the bed once Yixing returned with the two objects. He looked at Yixing’s firm body on top of him. Junmyeon was breathing heavily, his heart hammered his chest, and excitement overtook his being. His gaze moved to fix on Yixing’s eyes.

Yixing bent down to brush their lips together. He parted his lips to let Junmyeon’s tongue trace the insides of his mouth. Junmyeon’s raised his groin to grind into Yixing.

Yixing retracted, picked up the lube, and coated his fingers. He positioned one finger against Junmyeon’s entrance. His eyes stared at Junmyeon and Junmyeon nodded. Slowly he pushed it inside until he saw it fully disappear.

Junmyeon grunted at the discomfort. He held the bed sheets tighter. Then he felt Yixing’s free hand caressing his inner thigh.

Slowly, Yixing slid out his finger and pushed it back. He did it until Junmyeon moaned and told him to add another. A couple of thrusts later, Yixing’s fingers brushed against that spot, and Junmyeon quivered at the shockwave rippling through his lower body. Yixing continued sliding his fingers faster, opening them wide, and enjoying Junmyeon’s loud moans whenever his fingers touched him there.

“Xing, more,” Junmyeon stuttered. “I want you,” he begged once Yixing’s fingers weren’t enough to satisfy his need.

Yixing withdrew his fingers. His teeth tore open the condom wrapper, and in one swift motion he put it on. He grabbed the lube and coated his length. He positioned himself against Junmyeon and slowly pushed inside until a heady warmth surrounded his length.

Junmyeon grunted while Yixing’s thick cock filled him up. It was weird, unfamiliar, and mildly discomforting. He put his hands around Yixing’s upper back. Yixing leaned down to catch his lips, dragging his tongue feverously around Junmyeon’s mouth, trying to ease the pain. The discomfort subsided gradually. And Junmyeon said between lips, “Move.”

Yixing backed away from Junmyeon’s lips. Their firm gazes were on each other. Yixing nodded. He slid out and thrust in again. Junmyeon’s hand squeezed him. He thrust two more times, and Junmyeon’s mouth opened, moaning loudly. Yixing continued pounding harder, faster, quicker, like Junmyeon begged him to. At one thrust Junmyeon’s back arched beautifully, and Yixing aimed for that same spot onwards.

Junmyeon felt a prickling sensation. He couldn’t hold it in anymore. He moved his hand to stroke himself, yearning for that pent-up release. He wantonly moaned Yixing’s name.

Seeing Junmyeon sinfully touching himself, Yixing let go. A frantic pleasure shoot through his dick. He reached his orgasm while yelling Junmyeon’s name.

Junmyeon followed suit, quickening his strokes until he closed his eyes and shouted “Yixing,” while covering both his hand and their abdomens with his cum.

Yixing carefully pulled himself out of Junmyeon. He looked at Junmyeon. Below him, Junmyeon panted while his chest raised up and down, sweat covered his body in a gorgeous afterglow.

“Amazing,” Junmyeon stammered.

“Mi-mind blowing,” Yixing said. He leaned down to give Junmyeon a chaste kiss.

Then Yixing went to the bathroom and came back holding a wet cloth. He cleansed Junmyeon’s abdomen. And Junmyeon murmured a thank you once he finished.

Yixing laid back on the bed beside Junmyeon. He covered their naked bodies with the duvet. Junmyeon snuggled closer to him and rested his head against Yixing’s shoulder.

“I love you, Junmyeon,” Yixing said, kissing Junmyeon’s head.

“And I love you, Yixing,” Junmyeon said. He closed his tired eyes and cuddled closer to Yixing.


	5. Chapter 5

**Almost done**

During the first days of Junmyeon’s stay with Yixing, he continued asking about the last seven years of his life. Even if he didn’t quite connect with his old self yet, he was curious about him despite the risk of finding out things that made him disappointed. Junmyeon wanted to know what he had been like, the things he had achieved, what qualities he used to have.

But Junmyeon never asked more than what he already knew about his and Yixing’s former relationship. He didn’t want to find out who initiated the first move, their first date, who kissed who, who said I love you first. Asking that was a burden to him because he couldn’t, and most likely would never remember any of it. He felt guilty. Besides, asking Yixing to narrate all those happenings may hurt him. Knowing that they had been together briefly in their eighteens, and what Yixing told him at the hospital was enough.

However, keeping track of all the memories and facts overwhelmed him. Junmyeon should have been clever and asked questions in chronological order, but he didn’t think about it. Instead, he uttered the first things that came up to his mind. And that resulted in a clutter of remembrances, a state of confusion, and disarrayed timelines. Junmyeon wondered if Yixing was tired of sometimes having to repeat the same story.

Yixing’s suggested that they should keep a journal of Junmyeon’s memories, after seeing him frustrated. The doctor had said this method usually helped anterograde amnesiacs but could be just as helpful to Junmyeon. It would be like writing Junmyeon’s autobiography, a book that he could read whenever he wanted (and without bothering Yixing). Junmyeon thought it was a brilliant idea. Maybe writing this book of memories would make it easier for him to reconnect with his old self.

So, they began documenting Junmyeon’s life, Yixing narrating what he remembered and Junmyeon writing in his notebook. They started from when they had met in high-school. But they omitted the parts of their brief first relationship. Junmyeon didn’t want to ask about it, and Yixing rarely told him things he didn't ask for. 

Junmyeon could finally put a name to the faces he saw in the photo album. Byun Baekhyun, Park Chanyeol, Oh Sehun, he learned many things about them and their connection. But more guilt filled Junmyeon when he found out why he and his cousin Sehun had been very close.

Yixing didn’t know much about the matter, but what he told Junmyeon was that when Sehun was ten, his mother got diagnosed with a terminal disease. While the family made sure to help Sehun’s mother and father, Junmyeon, despite being only a year older, watched out for Sehun, and took care of him. He was always there to keep Sehun company. And Sehun had always been thankful for Junmyeon’s care.

Junmyeon didn’t dare to call Sehun and ask him to explain the story further. He knew it was a sensitive topic and would open old wounds. Junmyeon had lost those memories and the meaning they had held for his and Sehun’s relationship. And while Sehun still cared about him, Junmyeon somewhat saw him as a stranger. After all, he and Sehun had only spoken on the phone once. For Junmyeon they had never met. Thus, he felt guilty despite nothing being his fault.

While they wrote the book of memories, Junmyeon managed to fix his finances and get a new card from his bank. He could pay Yixing back for the hospital fees. But Yixing was reluctant to accept the rest of the money for his other expenses. He said he had never expected anything in return for helping Junmyeon, especially not money. Junmyeon didn’t feel it was correct. What followed was a long but well-mannered debate, that ended with them agreeing Junmyeon would also contribute to buying the household items from then on.

Junmyeon wanted to use part of his savings to furnish and renovate his apartment. He knew he had to live there again soon, but this time he wanted to make sure it was a welcoming, habitable place. He wanted to eradicate that eeriness he felt the first time he had been there. First and foremost, he needed to buy more furniture and other things. Junmyeon also wanted to renovate his bathroom and bedroom, the ugly teal color of those rooms appalled him. When he had told Yixing his idea, Yixing looked momentarily sad. It was sadness that didn’t merge with his usual dimpled smile, a brief wretchedness that made Junmyeon wonder if Yixing still had feelings for him. Junmyeon didn’t ask him that, though.

One night, Junmyeon finally decided to visit Yixing’s restaurant. He had been invited countless times for the last two weeks, but he had always refused. The idea of going there felt intrusive. He would probably feel the same intrusion he felt being at Yixing’s apartment because he wondered what kind of memories the two had shared there before. Memories that Yixing might hold dear but Junmyeon didn’t wish to know about. However, because Junmyeon’s apartment renovation was finally going to be ready next week, he felt that accepting Yixing’s offer was the least he could do before leaving.

At nine o’clock in the evening, Junmyeon stood in front of the mirror. His brown hair was parted sideways and styled upwards, a couple of hair strands falling. He had concluded that he liked his hair this way. And when Junmyeon asked Yixing how he had used to style his hair before, Yixing said he had always preferred it that way too. Junmyeon smiled at the thought that there were still traces of his old self within him.

He wore a white shirt with a marine blue blazer and black pants. It was the first time he sported that outfit. He and Yixing had gone shopping yesterday. Junmyeon didn’t like all the clothes that his old self used to wear; they looked outdated. He preferred the ones he was wearing now. But Yixing hadn’t said anything about the restaurant’s dress code, only that he didn’t care what the guests looked like as long as they enjoyed the food. Junmyeon hoped his outfit didn’t make him look overly nor poorly dressed.

Then, he made his way to the restaurant. Even if Junmyeon didn’t remember the accident, he had a lingering fear of driving. The thought of losing his memory, yet again, was a nightmare. Therefore, he didn’t buy a new car and decided to rely on public transportation. By now Junmyeon managed to travel alone. He knew which train and bus lines that went to his workplace, to his apartment, to the shopping centers, and he might not need it at all, but remembered how to get to Yixing’s place.

The train was packed with people when he stepped in. Junmyeon hoped his outfit didn’t get disheveled.

* * *

Yixing and Kyungsoo were in the kitchen, supervising the staff and hurriedly helping prepare the different orders of the night. Both were the owners and the head chefs of their restaurant. They opened it two years ago, finally accomplishing their dream of owning their own restaurant. It was a dream they shared since their years at culinary school in the U.S.

The restaurant was located within walking distance from the Pearl River and served different types of Western, Korean, and Chinese dishes. They liked the idea of offering various kinds of cuisines, so hopefully, whatever their customers fancied, they would find it there. Hence, the name they chose was ‘Do’s and Zhang’s kitchen.’

It had been difficult at first, being a newly opened restaurant prone to fail at any time. But they managed to get through the stress and worry. They grew a bigger customer base. Eventually, they could hire more staff. Slowly their restaurant became one of the most preferred places to eat in Guangzhou. And this year was probably the highest peak of their rising popularity.

“Junmyeon is coming over tonight,” Yixing said while he inspected the presentation of a Chow Mein. “He finally agreed to come to eat here.”

Kyungsoo was next to him, giving the final touches to a plate of glass noodles stir fry. He didn’t look particularly happy, but slightly annoyed. “Does he finally remember anything?” he asked.

Yixing motioned the waiter to take away the dish, and proceed to examine the rest. “No, I think he might never recover his memories.”

“I still believe that you shouldn’t have taken him in,” Kyungsoo said and started to assemble another dish.

“Luhan keeps saying the same thing. But Junmyeon is all alone, you know. He needed help, and I’m helping him. I think he’s finally starting to understand who he was.”

Kyungsoo didn’t look at Yixing when he said, “And that is noble of you, but…”

“But?” Yixing said.

“But just remember what I told you,” Kyungsoo said looking at him firmly in the eyes. Then he went to aid the pantry chef.

Yixing knew what Kyungsoo referred to. He had found out about it the day he went to work after Luhan’s and Minseok’s first visit. Kyungsoo had looked at him disappointed and told him it was a huge mistake too. He had the same concern as Luhan, but Kyungsoo’s worry felt different. And after hearing that Yixing wasn’t changing his mind, he finally said it.

A couple of weeks after Yixing and Junmyeon had broken up, Kyungsoo and some colleagues had gone out to a bar for some drinks. It was at that place that he saw Junmyeon, and some man, drinking together. Kyungsoo felt outrageous. While Junmyeon was there having fun, Yixing had been, and was, a bereft mess that couldn’t even eat properly and had lost almost seven kilograms. What Kyungsoo did next was beyond his calm and rational demeanor. He should have been afraid since Junmyeon’s company was twice his size, but he still walked over to Junmyeon’s seat. When Junmyeon looked at him with wide eyes, he planted his fist on his face. His fisted hand stung, but the pain was worth the punch. He knew Junmyeon would have a bruised eye the next day.

Kyungsoo believed Junmyeon and that man might be involved. Many things could have happened in the span of three months. If that person came looking after Junmyeon and said they were together or something, then Yixing would just be an uninvited third party. Kyungsoo advised Yixing to let Junmyeon on his own so that he could avoid more unnecessary pain. It was for the best.

But Yixing didn’t listen, he never listened. For Yixing, the idea of Junmyeon being with someone else was impossible. Kyungsoo must have been mistaken, and there was no other meaning than those two sharing a friendly drink. To Yixing’s reassurance, in the two weeks that he and Junmyeon had spent together, Junmyeon’s old phone didn’t ring. And nobody went to look after Junmyeon at his apartment. Kyungsoo’s suppositions had been and must be wrong.

The only problem now was that their time living together was running out. Would Junmyeon still want to keep in touch with him? Would Junmyeon be able to fall in love with him again? Of course, he will, he told himself.

Yixing sighed, let go of his thoughts, and continued inspecting more dishes.

* * *

Junmyeon arrived at the restaurant without getting lost, thankfully. He would have felt like a burden if he had to call Yixing to pick him up.

He stood outside and observed above the doors. White neon letters spelled ‘Do’s and Zhang’s kitchen.’ Through the glass windows, he saw the customers eating, chatting, and laughing. Already from the outside, Junmyeon thought this place was modern.

Junmyeon stepped inside. The headwaiter welcomed him, but the waiter’s genuine smile faltered when he saw him up-close. He had the same expression Yixing’s friends showed him. The one with forceful smiles and awkwardness mixed with hidden discomfort. Only Luhan didn’t bother hiding his dislike. Still, the tall waiter, Zitao, guided him to his reserved table.

He hadn’t been wrong, the inside of the restaurant reflected it’s exterior. It was sleek and neat. The wooden tables and the black leathered chairs were an elegant combination. The dim lighting created an intimate atmosphere. He sat at a table for two near the end of the room. From his view, he could almost see the entire restaurant. Nearly all the tables were occupied. He wondered if this had always been his table before. If this had been where he had eaten many meals waiting for Yixing to finish his shift, or just dropped by to eat a new recipe Yixing thought he might like. It was contradictory, the idea of not wanting to know about their past, but still, wonder about how it had been.

Deep in thought, Junmyeon didn’t notice Yixing had appeared and stood in front of him. He was wearing that dimpled smile on his face. The toque blanche adjusted perfectly his bangs down, and the white uniform suited him. He looked radiant like this was where he belonged.

“Jun,” Yixing said.

Junmyeon couldn’t decide whether he liked that nickname or not. It was a reminder of the self that had vanished the night of the accident. But the way Yixing said it made it oddly acceptable, comforting. So, when Yixing asked him if he could call him that, Junmyeon said it was fine although he wasn’t sure. “Hi Yixing,” he greeted.

“I’m glad you’re here. What do you think?” Yixing asked.

“It’s beautiful. Very much your style.”

“Yeah, it was a good thing Kyungsoo, and I think alike,” Yixing said. He handed Junmyeon a menu. “I’m afraid I can’t join you for dinner, but tonight’s special is Glass noodle stir fry à la Kyungsoo, highly recommended. But feel free to order anything you want, it’s on me,” Yixing said and blinked. Then, he went back to the kitchen.

Junmyeon read the menu carefully. He didn’t fancy anything Western nor Koran. There was a Chinese dish that caught his eyes. The Crisp sesame duck, he knew it was a traditional dish from Changsha, even if he didn’t remember ever eating it. Yixing was from Changsha, he had learned that about him, but he had never cooked that dish before. And Junmyeon fancied it, for some reason. Maybe because he liked eating what Yixing cooked, whenever he ate his cooking he couldn’t help thinking that Yixing was born to be a chef. When the waiter came to take his order, he ordered the Crisp Sesame Duck among other dishes.

While Junmyeon waited for his food to be ready, he drank from his glass of wine. He continued thinking about the journal of his life. He and Yixing had almost written down everything. But the book was far from being complete. There was an enormous chunk of his life - twenty years - that missed, his childhood and teen years. He wanted to know more about that, but Yixing didn’t have all the answers to his life. That was something only his parents knew.

Junmyeon often thought about his parents, about why they didn’t bother contacting him. Why had his old self stopped trying to talk to them? He wondered if their homophobia was still the cause of their separation, or if other conflicts had occurred. Junmyeon pondered if they would care about him when they heard he had lost his memory and couldn’t remember them. He wished they would have called him, talk to him, so that they could answer the questions about his whereabouts.

But Junmyeon also wondered why Yixing was reluctant to tell him more about his parents. At first, he thought Yixing didn’t know much more than what he had already said, but the more Yixing avoided the topic, the more he suspected Yixing was hiding something. And Junmyeon couldn’t understand why nor what. Yixing was supposed to help Junmyeon, but withholding information from him signaled otherwise. He didn’t want to doubt Yixing, yet that felt inevitable. Once they finish writing the journal, he was going to discuss the topic with Yixing, and he hoped Yixing would tell him more about the matter.

Still, the journal had given him a sense of recognition. As he read the pages, he could envision himself doing those things, that he had been that person once. But there were also some aspects in which he differed from his old self, and he kept wondering if the change was for the better or, the worse.

The night felt abrupt despite waiting for three hours for Yixing to finish work. Maybe because Junmyeon had, of course, loved the food, and took his time to chew each delicious bite slowly. Junmyeon wanted to return here one day, but he didn’t know if keeping contact with Yixing was wise once he moved back on his own.

When all the customers had left, and it was closing time, Yixing took Junmyeon to the kitchen and showed him around. Kyungsoo greeted Junmyeon with the same solemn and uninterested face as if Junmyeon’s presence didn’t signify anything for him. Junmyeon was used to it, and he wanted Yixing to stop apologizing for his friends’ rudeness, but he didn’t say that.

Then they walked outside. Junmyeon had asked if they see the Pearl River before going home, and Yixing said yes. It was late at night yet striding around Guangzhou didn’t feel like it. The city lights shone everywhere as they walked towards the banks of the Pearl River.

Yixing asked Junmyeon about the food. Junmyeon complimented him and said everything had been delicious, especially the duck which Junmyeon believed had been cooked by him. Yixing nodded, thanked Junmyeon, and blushed a tad. And Junmyeon found Yixing’s shyness adorable.

The Pearl River flew slowly. The water glistened due to the city lights. A late summer breeze tousled their hairs. Junmyeon felt cold, despite wearing a blazer. And as he looked at the water in front of him, he wondered if this place could pass as South Korea. He had seen pictures of him in Seoul, and he thought if this was how walking beside the Han River felt like. Junmyeon pondered if that had been part of the reason he moved here because despite not being his hometown, Guangzhou might have some resemblance with it. Now he wanted to be in Seoul so that he could see the Han River with his own eyes.

“I hope you had a great time despite eating alone… Maybe I should have invited Minseok and Luhan,” Yixing said. They had stopped at a spot to see the river flowing.

“I did, and that’s okay. Besides, it seems all your friends hold a grudge against me. Even the waiter looked displeased, but who wouldn't blame me.”

Yixing looked apologetic. “I don’t blame you. And I’m sorry about them,” he said.

Junmyeon remained silent and just stared at the river flowing. He had gotten to know Yixing well during these days. Junmyeon knew things like, why Yixing had gone to South Korea in his youth, where Yixing had gone to culinary school, why Yixing had opened his restaurant with Kyungsoo, that Yixing could play the piano that was in the living room, and he was brilliant at it. Junmyeon knew these things from his talk about his life. Sometimes he had felt rather narcissistic when they only spoke about him, so he asked Yixing questions about himself too.

But Junmyeon didn’t know why Yixing didn’t blame him. He couldn’t fathom why Yixing didn’t hate him, why he didn’t resent him, why he didn’t scream at him for breaking his heart. He wondered why someone could be so selfless and never felt a shred of hatred despite the wrongdoings from people. Junmyeon debated with himself whether to admire Yixing for being like that or scold him for being dumb. Even if Junmyeon couldn’t remember what and why he had done it, he knew it was his fault, and he did feel guilty. That’s why he didn’t want to learn anything about the memories he and Yixing had shared. Maybe he and Yixing shouldn’t remain friends in the future.

He didn’t know how long he had been immersed in his thoughts when Yixing let out a laugh. Junmyeon turned sideways to see his side profile. Yixing was staring into the distance, his crescent eyes had a glint of light, and there was a subtle smile on his lips. “What is it?” Junmyeon asked.

“Nostalgia, I just… Remembered something.”

“What?”

Yixing looked at him, his eyebrows furrowed and he didn’t know whether to speak or not. Junmyeon sensed what the memory might be. “It was about us,” he stated rather than asked.

“Yes.”

Perhaps hearing one last reminiscence about them wouldn’t hurt. “What was it about?” Junmyeon asked.

The perplexion on Yixing’s face didn’t last for long. “We were walking here,” he said, “It was also late at night, but it was winter.” He gazed at the sky. “I said I wished it could snow here because at that time it hadn’t snowed in Guangzhou in almost eighty-two years. This year it will be eighty-seven, it never snows here.”

Junmyeon saw that subtle, nostalgic, smile on Yixing’s lips again.

“You took out a coin from your pocket and tossed it into the river. You told me you wished for it to snow for me one day,” Yixing said and then looked at the water.

“Ah,” was the only thing Junmyeon uttered. He didn’t know what else to say, and suddenly he was relieved he had never asked more memories about them. He knew he didn’t have proper responses to those tales.

But Junmyeon smiled at that memory. It was silly. The Pearl River wasn’t a water fountain, and those wishes never came true.


	6. Chapter 6

**The vanished memories III**

_Twelve years earlier_

Everything was covered in white as they walked down the park. A trail of footsteps was imprinted on the road behind them. Faint snowflakes landed on top of their heads and shoulders. Their little fingers were intertwined with one another despite the coldness that invaded them. Their voices and the squeaking of the snow as they strolled were the only sounds of the night.

“I think that’s a good spot,” Junmyeon said and gestured for them to sit down.

Yixing followed him. He removed the backpack he was wearing, sat on the bench, and rested his head on top of Junmyeon’s shoulder. Junmyeon held Yixing’s ice-cold hand and put them in his pocket. Yixing smiled and squeezed their tangled hands.

“Merry Christmas, Jun,” Yixing said.

Junmyeon turned sideways and kissed the top of Yixing’s head. “Merry Christmas, Xing.”

Yixing looked up, his dimples sank on his cheeks. And Junmyeon couldn’t resist the urge to kiss those plump lips. So, he did, albeit it was too brief for his liking. Even if nobody seemed to be around, they could never know for sure. Then, Junmyeon tilted his head towards Yixing.

They didn’t say much, only sat there, holding hands inside Junmyeon’s pocket, and wishing that their lives wouldn’t take different paths in two months. Neither of them wanted it, their secret happiness, to come to an end.

The growl of Junmyeon’s stomach broke the silence. Yixing grinned, “Somebody’s hungry,” he said. Embarrassed, Junmyeon laughed and nodded.

Yixing let go of Junmyeon’s hand and opened his backpack. He took out the wooden lunch box along with two sets of chopsticks.

Attentively, Junmyeon observed as Yixing removed the lid from the lunch box. A pleasant aroma spread around them. And Junmyeon’s mouth watered as he saw the perfect assembled food.

“I cooked this for our Christmas dinner tonight,” Yixing said. “It’s Márén xiāngsū yā or Crisp sesame duck.”

Finally, Yixing had brought some Hunan food for Junmyeon to eat. Even if his host mother had said his cooking was spending, Yixing was a bit of a perfectionist, and he wanted to impress Junmyeon. So, his earlier attempts had never been tested by his boyfriend. This was the only dish Yixing was pleased with the outcome. He told Junmyeon to take the first bite.

“Maren xiangsu ya,” Junmyeon repeated but with the wrong intonations. He had said he wanted to learn Chinese in college, and Yixing was happily teaching him in advance. “It looks incredible, Yixing.”

Again, there was a dimpled smiled on Yixing’s face, maybe even a faint blush, Junmyeon couldn’t see it clearly. He held the chopsticks and grabbed a piece. From the moment, the flavor invaded his mouth, Junmyeon knew Yixing was going to be a hell of a chef.

“Wow… I think this has become my favorite dish ever. This tastes amazing,” Junmyeon said. And in the years that followed, that dish remained to be his favorite.

Yixing beamed and said, “Don’t lie, Jun.” Yet he couldn’t help feeling proud of himself.

Junmyeon took another bite and said he would never lie about it. Yixing joined to eat with him. And so, they shared a meal together, even if in less than an hour they would have to return to their homes and eat Christmas dinner. Junmyeon kept praising Yixing for his cooking skills and encouraging him to talk to his parents about culinary school. He had too much talent to be wasted on something else. Yixing appreciated the support and also explained to Junmyeon a little more about the Hunan cuisine.

When they had finished eating, and it was almost time to go back, Junmyeon brought out a small box from his coat. “This might be… extremely cheesy, I’m sorry, but I just liked the idea of it,” he said. “Again, Merry Christmas.”

Yixing took the box and opened it. There were two necklaces inside with a square pendant and the inscriptions ‘Jun’ in Korean and ‘Xing’ in Chinese. He smiled and looked at Junmyeon. “Couples necklaces,” he uttered.

“It’s too cheesy, right? I should have listened to Sehun,” Junmyeon said, looking away.

Rapidly, Yixing cupped Junmyeon’s cheek with one hand and turned him around. “Hey, I mean it when I say it’s lovely,” he reassured. “Thank you.”

Junmyeon closed his eyes and leaned into Yixing’s touch. There was a smile on his lips. Then, he opened his eyes and took the Jun-necklace. He put it around Yixing’s neck and caressed the skin surrounding the pendant.

Yixing followed suit and put the Xing-necklace on Junmyeon. He also took out his present from the backpack and handed it to Junmyeon. “It’s probably not as sweet as your gift… but still, Merry Christmas, Jun.”

Junmyeon grabbed the paper bag and brought out the item. It was a marine blue woolen scarf. He buried his face on the fluffy piece of fabric, hugging it. “What are you saying, this is perfect, Xing. Thanks,” he said.

“I-I knitted it myself,” Yixing said meekly.

“You’re full of surprises,” Junmyeon said. He placed the scarf on his lap and put his arm around Yixing. He hugged him sideways and inhaled that familiar apple-scent.

Yixing looked around and saw nobody. Quickly, he pressed his lips against Junmyeon’s. “I love you,” he muttered.

“I love you too,” Junmyeon answered.

* * *

January had been a time of happiness, bliss, and joy. But then February had arrived, and there was almost one week left until the graduation day, some more until Yixing’s flight back to China. Everything had gone by fast, too fast. The caresses, the touches, the kisses, the I love you, the hugs and the clasped hands in secret, hadn’t been enough. They needed more time together, they wanted it, but it was running out from them like a fistful of sand. The striking reality was that they would be separated soon.

Still, they tried to make squeeze every second of their time left together. Unlike other winters where Junmyeon would drive his moped to and fro school, he strolled along with Yixing. They walked, unhurriedly, as if that would make time stop. They also made excuses to see each other after school, even if the workload now wasn’t as much as it once had been.

Today, Yixing would spend the afternoon at Junmyeon’s house. Fortunately, nobody would be home until the evening. On their way to Junmyeon’s house, Yixing thought it would be fun to reminiscence their childhood days by playing on the playground.

The whole idea had sounded childish to Junmyeon. Yet he still had accompanied Yixing on his antics. And they did have fun, despite people seeing them oddly because they were two eighteen-year-olds in a playground. But Junmyeon doubted when Yixing laid down on the snow-covered ground, tossing around the snow with his arms and legs to make an angel shape. They haven’t dressed appropriately for doing that and would probably catch a cold. But seeing Yixing laugh and calling him to lay beside made Junmyeon follow Yixing anyway. As a result, both walked home with wet clothes and trembling uncontrollably.

The first thing Junmyeon did after closing the door was to ravish Yixing’s lips like he always did when they were alone in confidentiality. They were both cold and quivering, yet it was the caress of lips that felt like the number one priority. Junmyeon kissed Yixing until both their lungs ran out of air.

He took Yixing’s hand and guided him to his room. Junmyeon changed into a comfortable attire and borrowed his boyfriend some clothes while their school uniforms were in the dryer. After removing the covers from the bed, he gestured to Yixing to lay beside him.

Yixing walked over and cuddled underneath the duvet with his boyfriend. Junmyeon held him in his arms. It was in moments like this that everything seemed perfect, all right.

“What are we going to do when I leave?” Yixing said dejectedly. He broke the spell. He asked the question that had always been there ever since that day in October, but neither of them had uttered. Ignorance had been their bliss, yet it couldn’t last forever.

Junmyeon sighed. “We could… We could try long distance,” he said.

They both knew the implications of that commitment. They loved each other, there was no doubt about that. But they were young and uncertain about everything. When would they see each other again? They couldn’t just grab the next flight to Seoul or Changsha over the weekend. It didn’t work like that, besides, other expenses had to be prioritized. They might be able to see each other once or twice a year during their breaks. What about the time in between? For long would they have to be in a long-distance relationship? And where would they settle after that? There were too many questions, too many uncertainties about the future.

And even if Yixing and Junmyeon trusted one another, they were aware of how difficult it would be to keep things going and how easy it was to be weak. One of them would get tired, one of them would not take the distance anymore, or maybe both will. Anyone would argue that love conquers everything. And sure, they could lie to each other and say that nothing, not even the distance, could separate them. However, deep down, they both knew those were just empty promises bound to break one day.

“At first we would speak on the phone daily. I’d talk to you about my day, about my family, about my time in culinary school, about a new dish I’ve learned to cook, about my doubts and fears with life. Then, I’d say how much I miss you, how much I love you, and how much I wished I had you beside me. I’d wish you goodnight, good morning and send you kisses through the phone. And you would do the same,” Yixing uttered.

“We would make it work. We would put a lot of effort into making it work, into finding time to talk, into not letting silences in between. We would speak eagerly about our future, about how everything will be worth it once time passes. We will hold on to that, that notion that time flies. We would believe that soon, soon we’ll have each other again. It will become our mantra, our prayer of hope.” Junmyeon added. He held Yixing closer to his chest.

“But one day, as the seasons don’t seem to change before our eyes, we would start thinking that time does not fly. And we’ll fully realize it when we’ll need an embrace, yet no one would be there to hold us. When we’ll long after a kiss, a touch of lips, or the warmth of a hand, but we have only our old phones to hold on to.”

“Then we’ll get tired, frustrated, and impatient about waiting. Irrationally, we would like to take the next flight to Seoul or to Changsha, but life would be there to hold us back because you can’t leave in the middle of the final weeks. And we’ll blame one another for not making enough effort to come and see the other,” Junmyeon said. He stroked the necklace Yixing was wearing. “Slowly we’ll drift apart. The phone would ring less. The morning or nightly calls will reduce to maybe once a week because we’ll have less and less to talk about. We’ll lose interest in those small conversations. They will become a burden rather than a pleasure. The words ‘I love you, I miss you, we’ll see each other soon,’ will become meaningless, a tale heard over and over.”

“And we will meet someone else. Amid the decay of our relationship, another one will blossom. This new someone would be there to make us smile, to make us laugh, to cause of a whirlpool of butterflies in our stomachs. And we’ll start seeing them with the eyes we used to see each other,” Yixing said.

“One day we’ll fall weak to a bodily desire, and our lips… will kiss that someone else.”

“Out of guilt, we’ll confess. Maybe the other one will say the same thing, maybe he would be heartbroken, maybe even relieved. Or maybe we don’t even utter a thing about the unfaithful kiss. Either way, one day everything will be said out loud. That it was tiring to have a relationship with a device and a voice. That since a long time ago, things didn’t feel the same anymore. That there wasn’t any love left.”

“And then… We would break up,” Junmyeon said.

Yixing and Junmyeon laid in silence, holding each other for a long time. The words they had just said, they could envision some of them, maybe even all of it happening.

“Long-distance relationships never work, do they?” Yixing said, finally breaking the silence.

“No.”

“But long-distance friendship might.”

“I guess that leaves us…” Junmyeon trailed off.

“Breaking up,” Yixing stated.

The couple sighed. It wasn’t what neither of them wanted, they didn’t say out loud but knew they shared the same feeling. Were they giving up too soon? No, it was the optimal choice, the unavoidable path they would take at some point, even if they tried to make things work.

“Then we better make the best of the time we have left,” Junmyeon said. He moved to lay on top of Yixing and kissed him roughly. So roughly, that his plump pink lips turned a slight shade of crimson, and a prominent bulge formed on both their lower bodies. Soon, clothes were tossed away here and there.

* * *

Yixing’s plane was to depart on a Sunday afternoon. The day before, his host family held a farewell party. Everyone he had met, from close friends to mere acquaintances, came to say their goodbyes. They hoped that one day he would come back to visit them. He sometimes wondered why people couldn’t say they’ll go see him in Changsha instead.

Now, he was standing in front of the check-in counter, handing in his luggage. The Chois, Baekhyun, Chanyeol, Sehun, and of course, Junmyeon, were there to accompany him. He returned shortly, and the group walked over to the airport security checkpoint.

One by one, he said goodbye and hugged his companions. Yixing thanked his host mother and father for everything they had done for him. He thanked Chanyeol, Baekhyun, and Sehun for being the best of friends. And then it was time to say farewell to Junmyeon.

Yixing walked over to stand in front of Junmyeon. He saw how watery Junmyeon’s eyes looked. His own eyes started to glisten, and he felt a lump in his throat. Yixing couldn’t take it anymore and embraced Junmyeon. It didn’t matter that they were in public, that someone might see them, it didn’t matter, he needed that last touch.

“I love you, Jun. I’m gonna miss you like crazy. Thanks so much for being the best first love one could ever wish for,” Yixing whispered in Junmyeon’s ears. He wanted to say more, to express all the adoration he felt for Junmyeon, but he couldn’t say it. Not when each word had caused him a crack in his heart. His chest stung, even more, when he heard Junmyeon cry. Tears soaked his left shoulder, and Yixing couldn’t hold back his own tears anymore. He brought Junmyeon closer to him.

Junmyeon exhaled and inhaled until he was sure he could talk without stammering. “I should be the one thanking you. I’ll miss you more than you think. You were the best that could ever have happened to me, and it is a pity we must part in different ways. But who knows, maybe one day fate will give us our next chance… I love you, Xing.”

They held each other until Yixing’s flight was announced. It could have lasted from one hour to just a couple of minutes, they didn’t know. Their embrace had made them lose all time perception. Reluctantly, they let go of each other. They cleaned their stained faces.

Yixing walked over to stand in the security line. He turned around and waved goodbye to everyone, his gaze lingered on Junmyeon longer than on the others.

Junmyeon saw Yixing placing his backpack on the x-ray machine. He saw him passing through the metal detector and a police officer screening him. Then, Yixing walked through the blurred glass doors and so, he was gone.

The days that followed, Junmyeon spend them in his room, heartbroken and miserable. He laid on his bed hugging the scarf Yixing had given him. Junmyeon had used that scarf probably every day since Yixing had given it to him.

However, his room wasn’t the ideal hiding place, after all, he and Yixing had spent so many special moments inside these four walls. But maybe it was just because of that, that he didn’t want to leave his room. The freshness of those memories still lingered there, for him at least.

Chanyeol and Baekhyun dropped by occasionally, trying to cheer him up a bit. Meanwhile, Sehun had been the one to come see Junmyeon frequently, almost daily. The first time he had reproached Junmyeon for being an idiot and not trying to make things work with Yixing long distance. But after Junmyeon explained why things weren’t as easy as they sounded, he didn’t say anything anymore and just held his cousin company.

Yixing had given Junmyeon the phone number to his house and Junmyeon had given him his. However, neither of them had called. They agreed it was for the better, at least for the first weeks. Hopefully, that would facilitate things for them, and they could heal quicker from their heartbreak. They agreed to that, even though neither of them wanted to move on.

The weeks passed while Junmyeon mourned the loss of his first love, and without hearing anything from Yixing. And before Junmyeon knew it, his first semester at SNU was about to start. It was that reminder that motivated him to get up from the bed and start cleaning his room. His mother had gotten tired of nagging him to clean the mess. So, the untidiness got more and more until it had become one of the worst messes he had ever lived with. Thankfully, Sehun had been there to aid him.

Newly showered and with a room smelling like lilacs, Junmyeon sat down on the floor sorting out the last things, the reminders of Yixing. He knew he didn’t want to throw anything, they were too meaningful to get rid of. But he also knew that keeping them in a place where he saw them wouldn’t help heal the wounds in his heart. So, he decided to gather everything, the empty Pepero boxes, the necklace, the scarf, the pictures, the love notes, and the lightsaber, on a storing box. He put the box on a shelf in his closet.

He looked out his window and saw that the snow had almost melted. Spring was about to start. The reminiscence of a raven-haired boy playing the piano came to his mind. Had it already been a year since then?

Junmyeon walked over to lay on his bed. He stared at the ceiling and thought that first love was the most beautiful bittersweet thing ever.


	7. Chapter 7

**Home**

“Junmyeon!” greeted an enthusiastic Baekhyun. He seemed tired, but he still managed to convey such joy. And despite the years, the raven-haired man standing in front of Junmyeon looked exactly like the pictures.

Shyly, Junmyeon smiled back. “Hi Baekhyun,” he replied and bowed. It felt odd speaking in Korean for the first time, but Junmyeon figured he'd get used to it. “Thank you for receiving me on such short notice and at this hour…” he said. Junmyeon held out his hand, “Nice to meet you.”

Baekhyun looked at Junmyeon’s hand but went for a brief hug instead. “Man, we’ve been friends over fifteen years. I’ve already told you there’s no need for formalities,” Baekhyun said, “Welcome back to Seoul.”

Junmyeon was taken aback by the physical contact. But the warmness that it gave him dissipated some of his uneasiness about being back.

They walked away from the arrival gate and headed out towards the parking lot. Baekhyun chatted about who he was and how they had met for the first time in high school. Junmyeon wanted to stop him because he would like to write it down in his new first journal. However, he let the thought go. Baekhyun probably wouldn’t mind repeating it again. In the two days, they had talked over the phone, Junmyeon realized he seemed the type who liked to talk.

Junmyeon put his luggage inside the trunk and then got in the car. The ride back to Baekhyun’s house lasted some time. Even if they spoke the entire journey, a part of Junmyeon occasionally wandered off to that day.

It happened only three days after Junmyeon visited Yixing’s restaurant. That morning Yixing had narrated the last remembrances he had about Junmyeon. The journal was complete, but Junmyeon wanted to know more, he needed to find out more. Many pieces were missing in the puzzle that was his life. Neither did it help that Yixing said he already told him ‘everything’ he knew about Junmyeon’s parents, which was basically nothing. So, Junmyeon got tired and decided to find answers for himself. He wanted to go back to Seoul and meet the people, that according to Yixing, didn’t want to see him. They were the only ones who knew. Because Junmyeon had more than a week left before returning to work, he needed to travel to South Korea now.

That same afternoon, Junmyeon told Yixing his plans. But what followed was what broke his and Yixing’s ‘friendship’ or whatever relationship they were developing.

“Why do you wanna go back?” Yixing had asked. The irritation could be seen on his face.

Yet the question seemed stupid. The answer was obvious. Of course, Junmyeon had to go to find more about his past. “Yixing, you’ve told me everything you know… right? But you don’t have all the answers to my life.”

“But what else do you need to know Junmyeon?”

“Everything. There’s so much missing that I need to know about. Where did I grow up? Who are my parents? Are my grandparents alive? What is my family like? What was my childhood like? How was I as a kid?”

“Who evens remember their childhood nowadays?” Yixing asked sardonically.

Junmyeon thought Yixing would understand as he had done so far. However, Yixing didn’t seem to get it. Sure, it might be silly, not everyone remembered their life when they were five-years-old. But Yixing was aware he had had a childhood, a mother, father, and relatives. Junmyeon wasn’t, and he needed to fill that gap. “That’s easy for you to say, you’re not the one with the memory problem,” he said with some discontent in his voice. “You’re not the one whose life was completely erased after one night. You’re just you, living your life without difficulties and being completely fine.”

For a millisecond Yixing seemed hurt, then he asked indifferently, “Aren’t you forgetting something? Your parents don’t want to see you.”

“That’s the only thing you say about them. But you told me that I had stopped trying to contact them years ago… Well, people change, don’t they? I have hopes they have changed their mind.”

Yixing huffed, “Oh no, I’m telling you, they would never do that.”

“What makes you so sure about that?”

“I just know it, okay? They don’t want to see you, that’s the harsh truth. Face it. You should just forget about them and move on.”

“You just know? And you want me to forget them? To move on? Are you listening to yourself?” Junmyeon asked with disbelief.

“Yes, and that’s what you should do,” Yixing said firmly. There wasn’t an ounce of doubt within his words. He wanted Junmyeon to do that. And that bothered Junmyeon because he couldn’t help thinking that Yixing was purposely telling him not to go. For what reasons?

“You’ve helped me recover my past so far… Why can’t you understand this is important to me?” Junmyeon asked, hoping that whatever Yixing was hiding, he’ll say it now.

“Because,” Yixing said and sighed. “Stop being naive Junmyeon! Do you really think those homophobic dumbasses would welcome you, their ‘disgraceful and shameful’ gay son, with open arms? They are the worst kind of people out there. And horrible people like them never change.”

Those words were like poison infecting Junmyeon’s ears and what ultimately led him to leash his inner wrath. He was tired of Yixing talking as if Junmyeon’s parents shouldn’t mean anything to him. An odd sense of defensiveness invaded him. He had never met them before, yes, but they were still his parents, and he couldn’t help feeling that none should disrespect them like that. “Shut up!” he shouted, “Don’t say that about my parents!”

But Yixing didn’t show any regret over his statement. “It’s the truth.”

And Junmyeon laughed nervously at the same time as suspicion nestled in his mind. Why was Yixing doing this to him? Why didn’t he want Junmyeon to meet his parents? And why was Junmyeon trusting what this man, a man who didn’t even share his own blood, said? What were Yixing’s real motives behind helping him? In just that one minute, uncountable doubts flooded Junmyeon. And he questioned everything, everything he had learned from Yixing, who was now becoming a stranger in his eyes. “Are you even telling me the tru-truth?” he asked.

Yixing looked taken aback, almost offended by the question. “Junmyeon, I would never lie to you.”

His tone sounded truthful, he seemed sincere, and Junmyeon would have almost believed him. Almost. But his mind was already infected with millions of scenarios that slowly battered down the trust he had put in Yixing. “That’s what you say… But wasn’t I the man who left you without an explanation? … Wasn’t I the man who broke your heart? The man who everyone, but you, seems to dislike?”

“What?” Yixing asked. He was confused.

It was as if Junmyeon’s common sense had finally kicked in. He felt stupid for believing Yixing was selfless, for thinking Yixing was unable to hating someone despite all the hurt he had gone through. He was an idiot for blindly believing in the first stranger that came his way. “You should despise me just by seeing my face. You should hate me. You should hate me so much that the only thing you’d want me to do is to suffer. I know I would if you had done the same to me.”

Instead of confusion, there was a worry on Yixing’s face now. “What are you saying, Junmyeon?”

“I’m saying… isn’t all of this suspicious? The caring way you’ve ‘helped’ me? Without nothing in return? Not even money. Why were you so kind to me? I don’t know you, I left you heartbroken, hurt, and angry. You… How could I’ve trusted you? How can I know everything you’ve told me isn’t a lie? And… and what if this is your way of some well-crafted revenge?”

After uttering those words, that was it for them. They fought for a long time. Yixing futilely tried to convince Junmyeon to believe he wasn’t lying. He had never, and he would never lie to him because he still cared about him. Everything was genuine, and he could call anyone who knew them to corroborate it. But weren’t all the people they knew, Yixing’s friends and acquaintances?

Listening to Yixing’s defense, Junmyeon didn’t want to believe anything anymore. He was certain that he should have never trusted this _stranger_ to tell him about his life. And they fought for a long time without coming nowhere until Junmyeon said it.

“We should go separate ways. Never talk to me again. Just continue with your own life.”

Junmyeon felt a sting in his heart seeing Yixing’s watery eyes and listening to his broken voice. He pleaded to him that they could still fix this. But Junmyeon was firm on his decision.

He ended the conversation and walked to the guestroom. In the suitcase he had bought, Junmyeon packed his clothes. The journals were left behind on the desktop, he didn’t want to take with him a bunch of who knows how many fabricated lies. And as he walked past the living room, he saw Yixing shedding tears and telling him to forgive him and to please don’t go. But Junmyeon did it, he left the apartment without saying goodbye. He left and didn’t look back.

Later that night, he called the number that hopefully was Byun Baekhyun’s. Sure, Baekhyun was also another stranger in his life, but that man knew Junmyeon way before Yixing. He was an old friend and not some vengeful former lover. Baekhyun was glad to finally hear from him. Sehun had told him what had happened. But he hadn’t wanted to overwhelm Junmyeon and thought it was the best if Junmyeon took the first step. 

After Junmyeon had explained his situation and what had occurred that night, Baekhyun didn’t hesitate on helping him.

And that was why two days later Junmyeon was currently in Seoul, following Baekhyun inside his apartment. They arrived late at night and decided to go to sleep and keep talking tomorrow morning.

* * *

The next day, they sat at the dinner table, drinking coffee, and eating breakfast. Because Junmyeon’s parents might be working, they thought that visiting them in the afternoon was more reasonable.

Baekhyun continued talking about how they had met in their first year of high school, about the friendship they along with Chanyeol and Sehun shared. As Junmyeon wrote it down, he noted some things were the exact same Yixing had told him. He would have felt sorry for mistrusting, but he also remembered that Yixing had met Baekhyun. Of course, he’d know about that part. It didn’t take away the fact he could still be lying about everything else.

They also spoke about what had happened to Baekhyun and Chanyeol throughout the years. Baekhyun became a music teacher, and he coincidentally had started working at their old high-school. It was a good thing Junmyeon had come during the summer break. He had also been married, but his wife passed away in a car accident. She had been five months pregnant. And Junmyeon felt utterly guilty for making Baekhyun tell him that and remember those haunting memories because he could still see the hurt in Baekhyun’s eyes. But Baekhyun smiled and said it was all right. No matter what feelings, good or bad, Baekhyun might get, he said it wasn’t Junmyeon’s fault he had lost his memory. Junmyeon shouldn’t be afraid to ask.

Later the conversation shifted to Chanyeol, who worked for a telephone company and was happily married and had two children, twins. But he had moved down south and was sorry that due to work reasons, he couldn’t be able to meet Junmyeon.

Before they knew it, the day had passed, and it was finally time to go. They drove back to Junmyeon’s old neighborhood. Baekhyun mentioned to him some anecdotes about where they used to hang out, or what had happened in a place during their youth days. Then they found themselves next to a two-story house and Baekhyun announced they had arrived.

Junmyeon was nervous, anxious. But it was silly because he shouldn’t trust Yixing’s words. So, he gathered himself and got off the car.

“I’m gonna wait for you here,” Baekhyun said.

“Are you sure? It might take some hours.”

“It’s okay.”

Junmyeon nodded and walked forward to the house. This was his home. The place he grew up at. He will find out more now. Standing in front of the door he finally rang the doorbell. A woman appeared in front of him. It was her, the same woman who was holding him like a baby in that picture, only with some gray hairs and a few wrinkles on her face. She still looked beautiful. And she had the same face structure as him, or well he had the same as hers. For a moment Junmyeon forgot what to say.

“What are you doing here?” she asked. There was something in her voice that Junmyeon couldn’t quite place. It could be anything from annoyance to pure hatred. But Junmyeon didn’t let that discourage him. Maybe she was angry Junmyeon hadn’t called her in a long time. What kind of son had he been?

“I-I was in a car accident. I hit my head, and I have amnesia. I lost my memory a couple of weeks ago. I can’t remember anything. And I’m on a search to find who I am… I’m Kim Junmyeon. I’m your son, right… Mom?” he asked, expecting that whatever his mother was feeling would disappear.

The woman widened her eyes and something, maybe hope lightened her gaze. She examined him, up and down, and then fixed her gaze on his eyes. It was scrutinizing. “Well, there is certainly something different about you,” she said with a much neutral tone and something that could almost pass as a smile.

And then Junmyeon smiled, hoping that she would let him in and they’d start bonding and recovering those years they might have lost. This woman seemed nothing like Yixing had painted her to be. “Yes, mom. I was hoping you could help me. I need to know more about me. About where I grew up, what kind of child I was, what memories we share. And about you and dad.”

But all hope would vanish soon. “And I will Junmyeon, but before, this has made you normal again, right?” she asked expectantly.

“What?”

“This amnesia has erased all those degenerate sins you committed, right? You’re not sick anymore, right?” she asked walking forward. “And you no longer feel those unnatural things, right?” she wondered holding Junmyeon by his arms. “You’re back to being one of us, right?” she asked expectantly yet again.

Junmyeon didn’t know what to say and only stuttered, “I-I.”

“You’re _normal_ , right, son?”

“Yes, I’m normal… Because there’s nothing wrong with being gay,” he claimed. Junmyeon should have given in to the temptation to lie after all this woman knew everything about him. But Junmyeon knew he was gay. He could never stand pretending he was straight, and Junmyeon hated lies.

Not even a nanosecond after Junmyeon said the word gay, his mother spat on him. She withdrew her grip on him and walked backward. “You still disgust me, you filthy faggot,” she said coldly.

Junmyeon felt the thick liquid running down his left cheek. He brushed it away with his hand.

“All those years we were living fine without you. How dare you come here? Lie to me and bring your damn shame to my house? Can’t you understand that you’re nothing but blasphemy to the world? All you gays should extinct from the earth and stop contaminating us with your wickedness,” she said with disdain.

“No, what needs to disappear is your discriminatory behavior. There’s nothing wrong with loving someone of the same gender,” Junmyeon said.

“Shut up! Shut up you repulsive faggot! You’re sick! You’re sick! And you’re going to burn in hell for it!” she screamed, “Why didn’t you die in that accident?”

Junmyeon’s fist tightened. “I’m your son! You gave birth to me. How can you wish me to die?”

“Ever since you brought disgrace to this family, it has been my wish. You and all those faggots should die already.”

Junmyeon should have given up there. He should have walked back to Baekhyun’s car and never think about his parents again. Yet he didn’t. Junmyeon needed to make her understand. He needed her to accept him because only she had all those missing puzzle pieces of his life. He stayed there and tried to resonate with this unreasonable woman. Junmyeon sought to make her understand that there was nothing wrong with his sexuality, that they were family for god’s sake, she was his mother. They were family. But it was like talking to a wall. She yelled, insulted, and cursed him for being a disgrace, an aberration, and far worse things. At some point, the woman threatened to send him off to jail if he didn’t leave once and for all. However, Junmyeon didn’t listen.

His mother grabbed small stones from the ground and started throwing them at him. She aimed at him with hatred in her eyes, screaming more hurtful things. A stone hit Junmyeon’s forehead. It stung, and it was then he felt arms surrounding him and pulling him backward. It was Baekhyun. As they walked away, the last thing he saw of his mother was her look of pure loathing in her eyes before she closed the door.

Baekhyun stopped them outside the car. He opened the door for Junmyeon to get in.

Junmyeon stayed still. Blood was dripping down his face, and he felt water soaking his cheeks. Was it raining? He looked at the sky, but there was not a single cloud in sight. And then he realized he was crying. Since when?

“I don’t know her. I don’t remember her. It- It shouldn’t mean anything,” Junmyeon said as the tears started to fall down, even more, mixing with the blood. He sobbed uncontrollably, and Baekhyun hurried to hold him in his embrace. Junmyeon raised his arms and grasped onto Baekhyun. “It shouldn’t mean anything, it shouldn’t mean anything,” he repeated amid tears and cries.

Junmyeon slept the rest of that afternoon. Crying so much had given him a headache, and it got him tired. After Baekhyun had cured the small wound on his forehead, he went to sleep. It wasn’t until late evening that he woke up. Baekhyun had kindly prepared them some dinner.

After eating, they sat on the balcony of Baekhyun’s house. The view was phenomenal. They could see the Han River, the city lights shining brightly, and they heard how alive Seoul was during the night.

As he held his cup of tea to feel the faint warmness it emitted, Junmyeon asked, “Was my mo-that woman always like that?”

Baekhyun’s gaze shifted from the panorama to meet Junmyeon’s eyes. “Yes, but I’m afraid your ‘father’ is much worse.”

Then Baekhyun told him everything, and Junmyeon could finally know what had happened when his parents threw him out of the house.

Junmyeon was twenty and was dating a guy in college. They had been boyfriends, in secret, for almost four months. At first, Junmyeon had been reluctant to show any kind of affection in public. But the more his boyfriend told him that none was watching them, the more he let go of his fear. That was a huge mistake because one day his mother saw him kissing that man.

When Junmyeon had returned home that day, it happened. His parents confronted him. Junmyeon knew this was it, he couldn’t deny it now that his mother had seen him. Besides, one day he had to come out of the closet. Maybe, maybe his parents would understand. That was another big mistake because they didn’t. A huge fight and discussion happened amid the tears of his mother, the rage of his father, and Junmyeon’s fear. They wanted him to be ‘normal’ again, to stop being a disgrace, to not bring them this ‘shame’. But Junmyeon was who he was, and that wasn’t going to change. What did his father do? Beat him, or as he had phrased it: ‘I’m going to beat the crap out of you until it takes away the fagot in you.’

The man beat him so severely that Junmyeon couldn’t feel the pain of his punches and kicks anymore. The scar that Junmyeon had near his eyebrow was one of the remainders of that beating. Meanwhile, his mother only watched him get physically assaulted. And when his father finished the beating he kicked Junmyeon out in the streets and told him to never come back unless he was ‘normal’ again.

Some strangers helped Junmyeon and took him to the hospital. Two broken ribs and some internal damage kept Junmyeon in the hospital for many days. None of his family members or other relatives came to visit him, except for Sehun and his father. Baekhyun and Chanyeol, along with their parents, were there too.

When Junmyeon got discharged, he wanted to fix things with them. It was crazy everyone said, Junmyeon should be pressing up charges against his father. But for him, they were still his family and all he got. At least his father didn’t punch him again when he tried talking to them, yet that didn’t mean they stopped insulting Junmyeon. Until one day, Junmyeon’s parents filed a restraining order against him, and Junmyeon knew it was time to give up. They had at least let Sehun go inside the house to gather Junmyeon’s things. Junmyeon stayed with his uncle and Sehun until he could manage to stand on his own. Three years later he moved to Guangzhou.

“And that’s what happened,” Baekhyun concluded the story.

“If you knew this why didn’t you tell me before going?” Junmyeon asked.

“Would you have believed me? That you have the shittiest parents in the world?”

Junmyeon shook his head. He wouldn’t have. However, after today’s catastrophe, he didn’t have any doubts that what Baekhyun said had happened. He was devastated. His own parents had done and said those horrible things. That’s how much they hated, and still, hate him. He had none. He won’t even be able to retrieve the parts of his life he was missing. After shedding so many tears today, Junmyeon decided not to cry again, so he didn’t cry. Instead, he accepted his reality. “I’m all alone.”

“That’s not true, you have me, Chanyeol, Sehun, and Yixing.”

And the mention of that last name woke up a new emotion amid those dejected feelings, remorse. “Does Yixing know all this?” Junmyeon asked.

“Of course, he does. You two were together for a long time.”

“Then why didn’t he tell me from the start?”

“I don’t know. You’ll have to ask Yixing that, but I guess you wouldn’t have believed him either.”

Again, Junmyeon would probably not. But he still felt bad about the way things had ended. Yixing had been right, all the time, and he had not lied about anything, only withheld vital information. Meanwhile, Junmyeon had been so cruel to him and called him a ‘fucking liar’ along with other hurtful things during their fight. “I hurt him again. I was horrible and ungrateful to him when all he did was help me. He won’t ever forgive me.”

Baekhyun shook his head. “Believe me, Junmyeon, I know he will.”

Then they were silent as they finished drinking their cup of tea and watched the scenery.

Junmyeon hoped Baekhyun was right. Yixing had been a great friend and support in his life, even if he had been too blind to see it back then. Furthermore, he started thinking that maybe getting to know about his childhood and parents was not worth it any longer. All those missing puzzle pieces, why would he want to know how he grew up with those ogres?

* * *

Junmyeon spent the rest of the week in Seoul. He put it aside and hoped to forget about his parents and everything that missed in his life. It wasn’t necessary anymore, and instead, he wanted to focus on the happy memories he could still retrieve.

Baekhyun took him out everywhere around Seoul. Junmyeon decided to record their conversations. This way he could easily hear them again and continue filling his journal at night.

On one occasion, they visited their old high school, Baekhyun’s current workplace. Baekhyun shared more memorable stories of their high-school years. However, Junmyeon already knew most of their senior year anecdotes, courtesy of Yixing. But the one that made Junmyeon happy yet guilty was the one denominated ‘The Pepero Locker.’

The lockers had been replaced, but Baekhyun still showed him where Yixing had put in two dozen Pepero boxes to compensate for six-year-old Junmyeon’s wish. He finally understood where those empty boxes came from. It seemed that Yixing’s gesture had meant so much to him, he had kept the boxes all these years.

Junmyeon laughed and smiled at the memory. However, he couldn’t help thinking about why he had been such an asshole to Yixing days ago. Yixing didn’t deserve any of the cruel words Junmyeon had called him. Now, Junmyeon wanted to fix things with him. He also didn’t have any fear in finding out more about the memories he and Yixing shared as a couple. He was curious about them.

They walked to the music classroom. When Junmyeon saw the piano and the sunlight gleaming through the windows, he felt a déjà-vu. That must be wrong because Junmyeon knew he must have been there countless times in his youth. But this was the first time he felt that about a place, a strong sense of déjà vu, which made him oddly glad. Somewhere in his mind, he might remember this music classroom.

“That’s actually the same piano from twelve years ago,” Baekhyun said. He strode closer and sat down on the piano stool. “Do you know this song?” Baekhyun asked and started playing a beautiful melancholic melody.

Something occurred in Junmyeon’s head because as Baekhyun played the song, the words began to form in his mouth. “Even when the curtains fall…” he mumbled.

Baekhyun smiled. “It’s the song you sang at the school festival. ‘Curtain.’”

“The one I won with Yixing?”

“Yes.”

Another smiled formed on Junmyeon’s lips. He remembered something, even if it was a song. Maybe it was because he had learned the song by heart and sang it so many times, that it engraved in his semantic memory.

Baekhyun let out a laugh and said, “I remember Sehun telling me you were so jealous of me.”

“Why?”

“Because I was going to perform with Yixing at first. You wanted to ask him, but I had asked him first. And well, I spend all the time practicing with him.”

“What happened? How did we end up singing?”

“I felt you two were a better duo,” Baekhyun replied and smiled. He was still playing the piano.

Junmyeon returned the beam. But he couldn’t help thinking why, at that time, he couldn’t have simply said that he wanted to sing with Yixing. Why was he such a coward? Baekhyun probably didn’t have the answer either.

On another day, Baekhyun and Junmyeon visited the Han River. They were walking around Yeouido Hangang Park, still talking about their lives and such. Once they reached the riverbank, they stopped and stared at the water.

Junmyeon finally stood near the Han River as he had wished a week ago. He could see the water flowing. He could see the city lights gleaming on its surface. There stood Junmyeon, finally in Seoul. But it was odd. The feeling he had expected wasn’t there. It didn’t give him any sense of familiarity. It was just that, a river.

Baekhyun must have noted the disappointment on his face because he asked, “What are you thinking?”

Junmyeon sighed and said, “It’s just that… Guangzhou feels more like home.”

On Sunday morning, Junmyeon gave his thanks to his friend for everything he had done. He hugged him and said they were, of course, keeping in touch, and that hopefully one day they’ll reunite again with Chanyeol and Sehun. Baekhyun told him they will.

As Junmyeon sat on the plane, he thought that he was finally going back home.

* * *

In a short time, he had lived with Yixing, Junmyeon had somewhat learned Yixing’s working schedule. That same Sunday he returned from Seoul, he spent the day thinking how he should apologize to Yixing. Sure, Baekhyun had given him confidence that Yixing wasn’t vengeful and appreciated him very much, so there was no doubt he’ll forgive him. But Junmyeon still had doubts. This was the second time he had left him hurt and heartbroken. Everyone has an absolute limit of how much they can stand being hurt by one person. Hopefully, Yixing hadn’t reached that limit yet.

When it was the evening, he headed to Do’s and Zhang’s kitchen. It wasn’t the restaurant’s closing time yet. However, Junmyeon wanted to eat dinner there. He missed Yixing’s delicious cooking and he couldn’t wait to endlessly compliment him for it.

Moments before entering the restaurant a voice called him.

“Stop right there, Kim Junmyeon,” said Luhan with his usual tone.

Junmyeon turned around and saw Luhan with an angry frown and crossed arms.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing here?” Luhan asked scornfully.

“Goodnight to you too, Luhan,” Junmyeon said.

Luhan huffed, “Now it’s ruined thanks to you. What are you doing here?”

“I have to talk with Yixing.”

Luhan laughed. “No, you don’t. And you better move your ass away from here. Yixing doesn’t want to see you.”

For a moment, Junmyeon thought of doing that. He almost believed Luhan. “Yixing should be the one to decide that,” he said instead.

“What do you want from him? Aren’t you pleased with breaking his heart two times? You need to do it a third?”

Junmyeon shook his head. “No! I want to apologize for what I said. I made a mistake.”

“Isn’t it a little too late to clean your conscious?”

Luhan’s word irritated Junmyeon. “Think whatever you want, I’m going to speak with him,” he said.

“And then what? You want to be friends with him?”

This questioning was frustrating Junmyeon. Of all the people in Guangzhou, he had to encounter him. “Well, yes, he means something to me-”

“That’s not what you said the other day,” Luhan interjected.

“Look, Luhan, what’s your problem?”

“My problem is you. You need to stay away from Yixing! Because you are a heartless asshole, who not only left him without a proper explanation but also changed your number after he endlessly called you. And then you prohibited him from trying to see you, threatening to file a restraining order against him. That’s how much you wanted him away from you.”

Junmyeon was numb as he heard those sentences.

“Meanwhile, Yixing was a fucking mess. He cried every day during that first month as he waited for your return in agony. He was so depressed that he couldn’t eat and lost seven kilograms! And let’s not talk about how much he drank. He who never drank before. That’s how much your selfishness broke him.”

Luhan needed to stop, Junmyeon couldn’t stand listening to how much he had hurt Yixing.

“But we took him out of that pit of sadness. Slowly, but we took him out. And everything was going well until you fucking reappeared with your bullshit problem.”

Junmyeon stayed silent.

“Then, of course, you leave again. It shouldn’t even surprise me anymore. At least this time we are prepared to not let him fall back into those days,” Luhan said. He strolled until he stood in front of Junmyeon. “And now you’re back, saying that you want to be friends with him? To keep in touch with him? For what, so you’ll break his heart once again when you start sleeping around with other men?! Because in case you haven’t noticed it smartass, Yixing still loves you! And if you don’t love him, then you should leave for good.”

The question Junmyeon had never dared to ask was true. Yixing still loved him. Yixing had never forgotten him. Yixing was not over him. And that should have been enough to convince Junmyeon to go inside the restaurant. But he couldn’t move. Because even if Junmyeon realized he cared about Yixing and vice versa (although not exactly the same way), Yixing deserved happiness. To be with someone who could love him wholeheartedly and never hurt him. Someone who made him laugh and smile, not cry. Junmyeon kept tearing him into pieces over and over. Yixing didn’t need Junmyeon in his life.

That was the right choice.

“Please, Junmyeon, let him be. Let him finally heal and be happy,” Luhan said with the friendliest tone he had ever used.

So, Junmyeon did that. He walked away from Luhan and the restaurant without uttering goodbye. He strode toward the subway station. The night felt suddenly colder, somber. As Junmyeon took each step, there was a sting in his heart, and he fought to keep his tears from falling.


	8. Chapter 8

**The vanished memories IV**

_Seven years earlier_

If there was a spot in Guangzhou Junmyeon loved, it was leaning on the cement fence as he viewed the Pearl River flow and the skyline on the other side. He had been living there for almost three weeks, and this was the spot he frequented the most. There was something about listening to the water that brought him inner peace – even if he was surrounded by other city rackets. Sometimes it reminded him of those afternoons he sat near the riverbanks in Seoul. But that’s where the similarities stopped.

Junmyeon was immersed in the landscape, he didn’t notice the stranger standing next to him. His stream of thoughts stopped when he heard that old familiar voice.

“It’s truly beautiful, isn’t it, Junmyeon?” had the voice said in Korean, his accent even more noticeable now.

The resemblances were uncanny. It was that same timbre, that same soothing tone, that same intonation he used to pronounce each syllabus. It was the voice Junmyeon used to distinguished anywhere before. How odd, Junmyeon had thought he would never hear it again. Not after how neither of them had ever called the numbers they had said they would. And everything they had lived together would have remained a nostalgic memory. A memory he might tell his children about one day when they asked him what his first love was like.

But when Junmyeon turned around none else but he was standing there, smiling like he always did, dimples sinking in place. “Oh my god, Yixing!” Junmyeon gasped, because yes, there stood Yixing, his mind hadn’t tricked him.

“Junmyeon!” Yixing said with a wide grin that equaled the one on Junmyeon’s face, “It has been such a long time.”

“Yes, so, so long,” Junmyeon answered in the Chinese he had studied over the past five years.

Yixing’s eyes widened, surprised by the few words Junmyeon had uttered. “You learned,” he said in Chinese this time.

“I told you I would,” Junmyeon said. He chuckled, not exactly knowing why, but it belonged with the peculiarity of the situation. Yixing, as he had expected, joined him.

And then they hugged. Yixing and Junmyeon hadn’t seen each other in five years. The last time they had spoken was amid tears and broken hearts. Yet there was nothing weird, out of place, with that brief, brief contact. On the contrary, it was comforting.

“I’m so relieved it was you! Your cap made me doubt,” Yixing said after separating, touching the cap’s bill. “Otherwise my entrance would have been very awkward.”

Junmyeon nodded, laughing. “What are you doing here?” he asked. If there were any place Junmyeon had ever expected he’d see Yixing again, it was Changsha, not here.

“I should be the one asking you that,” Yixing said, “What brings you to China? Or more precisely, Guangzhou?” He showed the same curiosity Junmyeon had. After all, they had so, so many questions.

“It’s a long story.”

“And I have all the time in the world… Okay not really, but I’m free until the afternoon,” Yixing said.

For anyone else, this situation would have been strange and bizarre. They were two old lovers meeting again after such a long time. But the wounds had healed long ago, and whatever feelings Junmyeon had felt, were not there anymore. This was more like an old friends’ reunion. Even after five years, he still sensed that same trust, serenity, and ease whenever he spoke with Yixing. And it convinced Junmyeon to tell him everything because he was still that same raven-haired boy, now man, with the deep dimples.

Junmyeon got to practice his Chinese language a lot that morning. This conversation was the longest he had held with someone outside of work since arriving at the beginning of September. He still wasn’t the best at making friends.

At first, they had spoken near the cement fence. Then somehow, they ended up walking and walking until they sat down in a coffee shop and drank their usual drinks. Frappuccino for Yixing, and espresso for Junmyeon.

What had they talked about?

Well, Junmyeon began telling how things in his life had gone and why he had ended in Guangzhou.

When Junmyeon got into university, he took the Chinese courses he had said he would. Despite everything, the motivation to learn the language was still there. So, he started learning Chinese in his first year and all throughout college.

As time passed, everything was going fine. Junmyeon enjoyed studying his major (even if it came with lots of stress), he had good friends, old and new, and he had fallen in love once again. But of course, happiness was momentary. Once the moment the truth had come out, he was relieved and unchained, yet it came with a far wicked outcome than he had feared. And he accepted that his parents hated him when they had filed that restraining order. Yixing gently rubbed his upper back when he had said this part of his story. Maybe he had noticed the small crack in Junmyeon’s voice because that moment of his life had been painful, heartbreaking, and distressing. Anyone else would have hated their parents back, but Junmyeon couldn’t. He didn’t want to carry any resentment in his heart or mind. Instead, he came to terms with his situation and would not let it interfere with his life.

Junmyeon focused on being happy again. Thankfully, he had support from his then-boyfriend, his uncle and Sehun, Baekhyun, Chanyeol, and other close friends that accepted him. Due to his injuries, Junmyeon had to miss one semester in his second year of college. But once he came back, he made sure to study twice as hard as he used to.

Time passed, wounds healed, relationships ended, others began. And on the summer vacation between his third and fourth year, Junmyeon wanted to put into practice the language and knowledge he had acquired. He applied for a ten-week summer placement on different pharmaceutical companies around China. He got accepted by only one company, the one in Guangzhou. The ten weeks he had spent there the first time, was enough to convince him to accept the offer the company had given him at the end of the summer placement. They wanted him to come work for them once he graduated.

A year later he finally moved. But before doing that he had felt sorry for leaving his uncle all alone because last summer Sehun had also left for another city, Paris. His uncle and Sehun had been there for him ever since that incident. He was grateful for all the support they had given him, that was why he hesitated. Who would take care of his uncle in the future? But the old man told him to go on this new journey, to go see what life had in store for him. He had already lived long enough, Junmyeon's life was just beginning. Without remorse, Junmyeon moved abroad.

So, that was how Junmyeon ended there that morning, in Guangzhou, watching the Pearl River flow, and then drinking coffee with Yixing.

Meanwhile, what had happened with Yixing?

The raven-haired boy returned to Changsha with a broken heart. But it cracked, even more, when he finally said that he wanted to become a chef. His parents were undoubtedly disappointed. It wasn’t the prestigious career they had expected him to have. Heck, they could even try to support him to become a pianist. ‘Anything but the kitchen’ had his father once said. Only his grandmother was the one who told him to not be afraid and pursue his dream job, after all, she was the one who taught him how to cook. And she was the one who took him in when his parents said he had to pay rent because they would only help him if he were attending college. But the funny thing was that Yixing was attending college. He was studying to get a bachelor’s degree in culinary arts. Yet that didn’t mean anything to them. But despite their differences, Yixing and his parents still had a relationship. They still talked.

Eventually, his parents came around. Maybe because of the praise Yixing got from his professors and the local restaurants he had practiced at. Or because his grandmother would always say how proud she was of him whenever his parents visited them. It could also be because one day they finally tasted what Yixing could cook. That one bite, that one meal, and they apologized for everything. For their horrible mistake, for wanting him to follow their paths when Yixing had already forged his own. Yixing had talent, and they had finally acknowledged it.

His parents asked him to come live with them again, but Yixing had grown attached to his grandmother and couldn’t leave her alone. Still, his parents aided him, and they paid back the loan Yixing had taken to pay the college fees. To show they indeed supported him and were sorry about everything, they paid for him to study abroad for his third year. It wasn’t like he had asked for it. Yixing had forgiven them a long time ago but he still went. He could make use of the third language, the language his parents had forced him to learn as a kid, English. It was there he had met many good friends and talented chefs, including his Korean friend, Do Kyungsoo.

Yixing graduated after four years at the culinary school. And then he had to face the hardships of applying for a job on his own, that no matter the praise he had gotten in college, the real world was different. This was a competitive field, yet it only motivated to not give up and work harder. He had to expand his search outside of Changsha. This hunt took him to Guangzhou, where a fine dining restaurant was hiring someone who could do scut work. He knew he had to start at the bottom and slowly climb his way up, and this was a prestigious place. After sleepless days waiting for that call, they called and said he got the job. Despite the pain of leaving his family behind, he moved to Guangzhou with a hopeful heart, thinking this was going to be a rewarding experience.

And indeed, it had been. Almost a year passed since Yixing moved and he had been promoted to garde manger, a pantry chef. This meant the scut work was over, and now he prepared the appetizers, cold dishes, and soups instead. It was a step forward.

“And so, we meet again,” Yixing finished his story.

“Yeah, I guess you could call this fate,” Junmyeon said.

A comforting silence fell. Their coffee cups had been empty since long ago. They stared at each other with subtle smiles. Time had surely passed for them.

Junmyeon was happy to hear Yixing had accomplished what he had dreamed of, to hear his life had turned out all right. He was proud of him, but he didn’t say it out loud.

Yet there was a topic neither of them had spoken about. Why hadn’t they kept in touch? Why hadn’t he called? Junmyeon wanted to ask that, but he didn’t. Because he knew fine well that if Yixing were to ask him the same, he wouldn’t know what to answers. Why hadn’t they called?

It was amid those thoughts that the silence broke when Yixing’s phone rang. Yixing picked up the phone, and when he saw the caller, he lit up. There was that dimpled smiled as radiant as ever. There were his crescent eyes. There was his soothing voice, answering, “Good morning, my love. Where are you?”

Junmyeon didn’t know whether to pretend he had to use the restroom or to stay there and listen to Yixing talk with, Junmyeon assumed, his boyfriend. Don’t misunderstand, he wasn’t jealous. It was just… Odd. Maybe because this fateful meeting had planted a silly idea in his mind. That this could be a second chance for them. But a second chance for what? Wasn’t that just incredibly stupid? He had dated other people after Yixing had left, fallen in love too. And he had always thought he would end up with someone else since he would probably never see Yixing again. That was what he had thought. But here was his eighteen-year-old self trying to come up with those silly ideas in his head, thinking that fate had brought them together again. He had to ignore that kid.

“I’m sorry, that was my boyfriend,” Yixing said once the call ended. Junmyeon had not gone to the bathroom. “Where were we?” Yixing asked.

“Nowhere, but you might as well tell me about this boyfriend of yours,” Junmyeon genuinely asked Yixing. Because yes, he wanted to know who this person was, who could make Yixing so thrilled with just one call.

This wasn’t a long story. Yixing began saying his name was Zhou Mi, a twenty-eight-year-old dentist Yixing had met through a mutual friend. They instantly clicked, and sure, Mi was five years older than him, but he didn’t care about that. Age was just a number. They liked each other, there was an undeniable mutual attraction. And once Mi took the first step and asked him out, six months ago, that was where everything began. The following months were pure bliss. Yixing was happy, Mi made him happier. This was the first serious relationship he had because in college he had only had brief flings. Yixing saw a future with him, and somehow already felt that Mi was the one, as ridiculous as it sounded. He said this with a tad blush on his cheeks.

Yixing was in love, Junmyeon could see that, and Junmyeon was happy for him.

They spent more time talking about their jobs, the city, what places to go, etc. And when it was time for Yixing to go meet Mi, he asked Junmyeon for his number. They were old friends, and it would be nice if they could keep being that. Junmyeon couldn’t agree more.

* * *

Days passed, weeks went by, and before Junmyeon knew it, it was already December. It was December, yet his surroundings lacked that white mantle that used to cover everything. It didn’t snow in Guangzhou, and it hadn’t done so in eighty years. He was used to a Christmas Eve covered in snow, but he had nothing against this new change. He had probably never liked snow anyway.

On this day, he was going to Yixing’s house. Yixing and other friends decided to have a small gathering to celebrate Christmas Eve. No need for presents, only bring food or drinks everyone would enjoy.

Upon arriving in Guangzhou, Junmyeon had thought he’d spent his first holidays all alone. But Yixing had made sure that Junmyeon expanded his circle of friends by bringing him into his. Even if Junmyeon had become acquainted with his co-workers, they seemed to be a generation older than him.

Junmyeon got the closest to Minseok, another Korean but born in Guangzhou who was studying to become a doctor, and Luhan, a social worker. It was evident for Junmyeon those two liked each other, but he never understood why they didn’t say anything about it. Junmyeon had also befriended Mi, who seemed to care about Yixing. However, Junmyeon wondered if Mi knew what kind of history he and Yixing had shared. Mi never once showed him an unwelcoming or hateful look. Perhaps Mi didn’t know, yet Junmyeon never brought up the topic either.

And well, Junmyeon had also gotten closer to Yixing, of course. Besides spending time together in a group, the two met on their own too. Mi must be a mature man, if it were Junmyeon he would have been extremely jealous. Then again, Mi may not even know. Either way, Yixing, and Junmyeon went drinking coffee in the early Saturday mornings. They walked near the river banks of the Pearl River watching the water flow. They went shopping together. They went bicycling together during the night. They spoke on the phone, almost daily. They did all this and other stuff together that Junmyeon told himself only meant as friends.

Yes, as friends, because if there was a problem Junmyeon was facing, it was that his stupid heart had started skipping heartbeats whenever he saw Yixing. His dimpled smile was becoming his weakness. His voice was becoming that joyful melody he used to love. And it was all so wrong because Yixing felt nothing but a friendly affection for him. For the sake of avoiding all these senseless feelings, Junmyeon told himself that after Christmas he won’t be seeing Yixing as frequently until his irrational feelings disappeared. Whatever excuse he had to come up with, he’d say it, only to avoid committing a mistake.

He got to Yixing’s apartment at six o’clock in the evening. Yixing opened the door welcoming him with that damned dimpled smile. And Junmyeon’s knees weakened as his heart mocked him by beating erratically. A wish of staying at home crossed his mind. Nonetheless, he walked in, greeted the other few guests, and sat down beside Luhan and Minseok.

Because Mi had been called to work at the clinic until nine, they waited for him before having dinner. In the meantime, they drank some wine, talked about their week, or random topics that surged. And when Yixing had finally finished preparing dinner, he joined the conversation too.

Hours passed, and Junmyeon stood on the balcony. Yixing lived on the tenth floor so he could see the city beneath him or the taller buildings nearby. After discussing Star Wars with one of his friends, he headed outside. Junmyeon needed some fresh air to cool off his head and body from sweating too much whenever Yixing drew the smallest bit closer to him. Junmyeon was leaning his head on the balcony railing, cursing himself for being this false and feeble.

“What are you doing out here, Jun?” Yixing’s voice called him.

Junmyeon looked up and saw Yixing standing a few steps next to him. “I needed some fresh air,” he said.

Yixing nodded and focused his gaze in front. “So… What do you think about your first three months living here?” he asked.

If Junmyeon were to answer honestly, he would have said, ‘fantastic because I found you again.’ But he knew he couldn’t. Instead, he said, “Well, work is fine and fun. I have made some good friends. And the city is not that bad. I guess to summarize it… Yeah, it’s been really great.”

“Do you plan on staying here?”

‘If I’ll be there for you when you break up with him, of course, yes,’ Junmyeon thought again. Yet his lips uttered, “I can’t see a reason not to. Honestly.” He smiled.

Yixing beamed back. “Me neither. This place is like my second home.”

Then they were silent. It was one of those comfortable minutes of silence they used to share. One that could cover a thousand unspoken words. And amid that quietness, Junmyeon couldn’t help staring at his side to see Yixing. It was as if his eyes automatically had to see him. He glanced at those rosy lips he used to call his such a long time ago. And he wanted, needed, to taste them again. Yixing must have sensed his scrutinizing gaze because he stared back at him, directly in the eyes. When their irises found each other, Junmyeon slowly stepped forward, unheard, like a thief about to steal the most precious jewelry. Yixing didn’t move. Junmyeon tilted his head and got nearer. When he had closed his eyes…

“Yixing!” Minseok shouted.

Swiftly, Yixing backed and looked away. “In here, Minseok,” he replied.

Junmyeon opened his eyes and saw Minseok appearing before them, holding a phone. “Mi is calling, he wonders which wine he should bring.”

“Yeah, here, give me the phone,” Yixing said walking forward and leaving Junmyeon alone on the balcony.

Junmyeon stood there. Cursing himself, yet again, for being an idiot. He silently thanked Minseok for interrupting that moment. Even if an irrational part of him, screamed that Yixing hadn’t turned away. That maybe he was expecting that clash of lips too. But everything quietened when Junmyeon saw him with Mi during dinner. Yixing was happy with him, smiling brightly, kissing him tenderly. And seeing that Yixing pretended nothing had happened between them, Junmyeon decided to never bring up that moment of weakness because he knew what answers awaited him.

* * *

The beginning of February was drawing closer. Junmyeon sat at a coffee shop having an early dinner since he didn’t feel like cooking.

His plan of not seeing Yixing often had worked and without excuses. They just stopped seeing each other alone, and only met or talked when they were in the group. The phone calls had become text messages and then not even that. Ever since that Christmas Eve night, they had drifted apart. And that was exactly what Junmyeon had needed. But did he get over his stupid crush? No. Junmyeon knew he hadn’t because whenever he saw Yixing with Mi, he felt jealous. And whenever they spoke, he felt those silly things again. Junmyeon guessed he would need more time, lots of time to get over it.

But what Junmyeon hadn’t expected was to see what happened that afternoon.

Junmyeon sat at one of the farthest tables from the counter, but he could still see it clearly and hear it since almost none else was sitting there. He was reading a book, hiding his face behind it when he heard that voice. Mi. Mi who was currently holding the hand of another man who wasn’t Yixing. Junmyeon gasped but continued to snoop at the pair near the counter. He had no doubt that had to be Mi, even if he only saw his back. And whoever that person was, he was certainly not a friend. No, because that man was caressing Mi’s hair and tiptoed to kiss him. When the pair had gotten their orders, and turned around to leave, Junmyeon knew. He saw him. That was Mi. Mi, who was supposedly in love with Yixing yet there he was, buying coffee and being overly affectional with his lover.

“Fucking asshole,” Junmyeon muttered under his breath once the pair had left the coffee shop.

If there was a time Junmyeon had wanted to smack the heck out of someone, it was now. He was infuriated with that prick who had lured Yixing like this and played with Yixing’s pure heart. When Yixing found out the truth, he was going to be heartbroken. But no matter the pain it would cause Junmyeon had to tell him. Yixing needed to know, not for the sake of him becoming single (which was convenient for Junmyeon), but more because he needed to see that the man he loved was a liar.

Days passed before Junmyeon could say anything. Yixing had gone to Changsha to celebrate the Chinese New Year with his family. But on that same day Yixing had finally returned, he texted him, asking him to meet at their usual place near the river banks.

It was the evening. Junmyeon arrived early. He waited anxiously because everything Yixing had texted back was a simple ‘Ok.’ He hoped he would come. A couple of minutes later, thankfully, Yixing did.

“Jun! So, good to see you,” he said, smiling.

For once Junmyeon didn’t feel as he used to whenever he saw those dimples. He had to be focused when he dropped the news.

“Hi Yixing… How was Changsha?”

Yixing began telling him about his trip back home. They talked as if the past month had not happened as if they were still as close as ever. Yixing chatted about how they had celebrated the New Year with his parents, his grandparents, and other relatives. He said he had fun and had been thrilled to finally see them again. It was a pity Mi had work and couldn’t go with him. ‘Yeah, such a pity,’ Junmyeon thought.

When Junmyeon stopped telling Yixing how his week had been, Yixing asked, “Well… Eh, what did you want?”

The moment of truth had come. Junmyeon breathed in and said, “Mi is cheating on you.”

Bafflement, that was all Yixing’s face showed. “Wha-What?” he asked.

“I saw him with another man the other day. They were waiting for their orders… And they were very affectional… Like you and him are… They even kissed.”

Junmyeon quietly waited for Yixing’s reaction. But he hadn’t expected what Yixing said next.

“Is this because of what happened on the balcony?”

Now Junmyeon was confused. “What?”

“Are you making this up because you want me to be with you?” Yixing asked disbelievingly.

Yes, this wasn’t the reaction Junmyeon had in mind. “Yixing, I’m not lying to you,” he argued.

“Do you have any proof?” Yixing huffed.

“No, but I saw it with my own eyes.”

“And you want me to risk my relationship based on your eyes? Junmyeon please,” Yixing said and then let out a laugh.

Junmyeon drew closer and held Yixing by his shoulders. “Yixing, look at me,” he said, “I’m not lying! Mi is cheating on you. I saw him. It was him, I’m sure of it.”

Yixing removed Junmyeon’s arms hastily, almost disgusted by the touch. “Mi has trusted me enough to let me be alone with you, even knowing what we were. And I trust him too, more than anything or anybody else. So, you better take your shit back and apologize.”

“How can you trust that man?! He’s taking you for a fool!”

“Shut up, Junmyeon. I'm serious. You have been a good friend to all of us, and it would be a shame to kick you out of the group. But if you keep making up these lies I see no other choice,” Yixing said firmly. He was angry, but there was no hesitation, no doubt in his face or voice. He was actually saying that he would cut all ties with Junmyeon if Junmyeon didn’t take his words back. This was how love had made Yixing. Unreasonable, gullible, and yet frightening.

Junmyeon didn’t want to lose whatever they had, to lose him, even if seeing Yixing with that man was going to continue crushing him, even if Junmyeon would never be able to see Mi with the same respect he used to. Junmyeon gave up.

“I’m sorry Yixing… I’m so, sorry for trying to lie to you.”

The frown on Yixing’s face didn’t disappear. “Goodnight, Junmyeon,” was the only thing he scornfully said before leaving.

Junmyeon remained there. Hurt and offended because he had been taken for a liar. He laughed at his stupidity. Had he really expected Yixing would have cried, and then leaned on his shoulder, while he whispered sweet nothings that everything was for the best? How foolish of him. To believe he and Yixing could be together again. How irrational of him. How dumb of him. How disappointing.

Later that night Junmyeon had gone to a bar. He sat on one of the benches at the front desk, sipping a glass of whiskey on the rocks because drinking seemed like the only solution to cure his heartbreak. And Junmyeon tried to figure out how he could best pretend he didn’t want to punch Mi’s face when he had to see him again. He even thought if Yixing would be forever mad at him. Why did he have to be such an idiot? Why couldn’t he keep quiet? Junmyeon had been so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t take notice of the man trying to steal a glance from him.

“Hey there, good-looking. Is this seat taken?” asked a deep husky voice, bringing Junmyeon back to earth.

Junmyeon looked up from his glass to meet the man to his left. He was much taller than him, had a smug smile, sharp features, and was very attractive. Junmyeon smirked, “Me? Haven’t you seen yourself? And go ahead, it’s free.”

The stranger sat down, his grin widening. “I’m Yifan, Wu Yifan. But you can call me Fan,” he said and shook Junmyeon’s hand.

“I’m Junmyeon, Kim Junmyeon. Pleasure meeting you Fan.”

“No, Junmyeon, the pleasure’s all mine,” Yifan said with a flirtatious tone.

Perhaps something good had come out from this disastrous night after all. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Apologies**

Going back to work would have been tough for Junmyeon if it hadn’t been for Kim Jongdae.

The first day at the company Junmyeon had been anxious. The bits and pieces Yixing had said didn’t give him enough reassurance of what went on at his workplace. Junmyeon’s boss met with him and told him everything that had occurred. For the past months, Junmyeon had been the one in charge of an important research project. Even if some parts seemed familiar to him, the majority was just blank. So, they agreed it was better if Junmyeon continued working with the research project, but Jongdae became the new head of the group. Junmyeon didn’t feel sad about this news, on the contrary, he was glad to know someone could take care of the team now that Junmyeon was somewhat useless.

Kim Jongdae, another Korean that had emigrated to Guangzhou, was Junmyeon’s friend, at least that was what Yixing told Junmyeon. But just like everything Yixing had said, it was true. They had been very close friends, best friends, but because Jongdae had been on a trip for the past month, they hadn’t been able to meet until that day when Jongdae returned too.

“I can’t believe this has happened to you Junmyeon, but don’t worry! I’ll take care of you,” had Jongdae reassured Junmyeon after he heard his story.

Junmyeon couldn’t thank Jongdae enough because what Jongdae said was exactly what he had done the whole day and the rest of the week. He showed Junmyeon around the company, he explained to him about their research project, he took the time to answers over and over every doubt, or question Junmyeon had.

Jongdae’s reassurance and their blossoming friendship had been what Junmyeon had needed to not feel so alone and lost the upcoming weeks. Sometimes Jongdae invited him over for dinner, and Junmyeon would agree to go, because eating with Jongdae and his wife was more comforting than eating by himself, even if Jongdae lived on the other side of the city. Junmyeon also used their time outside of work to learn more about their research project. He also continued filling his journal as Jongdae talked about how they had met four years ago and how their lives had gone since then.

Again, what Jongdae said about Junmyeon’s old self agreed with what Yixing had said. However, Junmyeon tried to ignore the inner voice that always shouted at him he needed to apologize. Jongdae also commented about Junmyeon’s old ‘brilliant’ self and why he had been chosen as the leader of the team in the first place. Junmyeon wondered if he one day would manage to become as good at work as he had once been.

As the days passed and Junmyeon continued to rebuild his life, he also found time to get to know his old high-school friends through the phone. Junmyeon spoke with Baekhyun frequently, but Junmyeon avoided Baekhyun’s questions about Yixing and why Junmyeon was not bothering to try to apologize. Eventually, Baekhyun didn’t bring up the issue anymore.

When it came to talking with Chanyeol, Junmyeon had been afraid that everything was going to be awkward at first, since Chanyeol was pretty much a stranger to him. Meanwhile, with Sehun he had already spoken one time before. And yes, there had been lots of awkward silences with Chanyeol during the first call. Junmyeon didn’t want to be pushy and start asking a bunch of questions, and he guessed Chanyeol didn’t know what else to say besides ‘I’m so sorry to hear about that, Junmyeon.’ However, the silences dissipated when Junmyeon heard one of the twins biting Chanyeol’s finger and Chanyeol began telling him about them. From then on and more calls later, Junmyeon got more familiarized with Chanyeol, his family, and how their friendship used to be. Although some stories Junmyeon had learned from Baekhyun, others just belonged to the two of them, just as with any other person, Junmyeon had shared a friendship with.

And Junmyeon, of course, retook contact with his cousin Sehun, who was glad to finally hear from him again. Sehun had a lot more to contribute because he had some memories from Junmyeon’s childhood, and they used to live together. Junmyeon got the context of some of the pictures that were in the old photo album. What they didn’t talk much about were the years during which Sehun’s mother was ill. Junmyeon was curious about it, but he didn’t want to make Sehun go through what he had made Baekhyun, even if Baekhyun had said he shouldn’t be afraid to ask. Either way, the two kept talking more and more, and Junmyeon got to know more about himself and Sehun.

So, life was moving forward for Junmyeon. He was getting accustomed to working and was reconnecting with his old friends and relatives. Everything was going fine, that was what he told himself at least. However, something missed and Junmyeon knew what, because during the twenty days that passed since he left Yixing crying in his apartment, there wasn’t a day Junmyeon didn’t think about him.

They had just spent roughly three weeks together, but Yixing still had become someone special to Junmyeon. Yixing was the one who had been there for him when he woke up lost and scared in the hospital. Yixing was the first person Junmyeon became aware of. Yixing had been the first person he trusted, even after that trust broke due to Junmyeon’s dumbness, after all the stories Junmyeon had heard, he believed in Yixing once again. Yixing had been his firsts of many things, and those few memories, details, and remembrances of Yixing were stuck in Junmyeon’s mind. He needed to see him again, to hear his voice, and to see that he was doing fine and not crying anymore. A realization hit him, he cared about Yixing in ways that he didn’t for anybody else.

However, everything was just contradictory because Junmyeon still hadn’t gone to see Yixing, neither had he apologized for his wrongdoings. Why? because according to Junmyeon it was ‘the right thing’ to do. Though Yixing still loved him, Junmyeon had convinced himself that being away from Yixing was the wisest choice, that Yixing needed to find someone else, someone better than him. He did his best to ignore that voice telling him to go search for Yixing.

Therefore, Junmyeon let more days come and go until he just couldn’t take it anymore.

It was all because of his closet. Now that his apartment was actually a home, Junmyeon had gotten rid of all the moving boxes that used to be around, save for one, the one that contained all his mementos. Junmyeon couldn’t bear himself to throw everything away, not when his old self had kept the most of it for so many years. So, he had bought a nicer box in which he could store those memories. And when Junmyeon had picked up the last pepero box he saw it.

He took the photograph of him and Yixing. They were on a beach, Yixing was back hugging Junmyeon, they were both smiling widely, and on each of their hands, he saw gleaming rings that he had never seen before. He guessed the picture must have been taken last year. Again, Junmyeon felt guilty, but his guilt turned into wretchedness when he read what was written on the backside of the photograph.

 **‘** Junmyeon, my darling, this picture was taken moments after you said ‘Yes’ to me and I’m glad it was framed forever. I’m tempted to say it was the happiest day of my life, but I know the future holds in store so much more. Our wedding, raising our children, I can’t wait for it all to come and to spend the rest of my life by your side. If there is someone I consider my soulmate it is you Junmyeon, just like you said all those years ago that we were. I love you Junmyeon.

Merry Christmas,

Yixing. **’**

Trying to hold in his tears didn’t work this time. At that moment, it was the only thing Junmyeon could do. He was undeserving of Yixing’s love, Junmyeon knew that because Yixing’s love for him was so real and it had prevailed despite all the hurt. How stupid had Junmyeon been? Hurting Yixing over and over, letting go of him, trying to forget him, pushing away the one person who loved him the most. Junmyeon was stupid.

That night, Junmyeon went to bed holding that picture near his chest. He didn’t have the backstory to it. He didn’t even know why Yixing had gifted it to him during Christmas. All Junmyeon knew was that he needed to fix things with Yixing soon because he didn’t want to lose him. Of all the people Junmyeon was trying to keep in his life, Yixing should have been his priority. Yixing was his soulmate, that was what his old self thought, and the pieces that remained of the old Junmyeon told him that nobody else but Yixing was worthy of that title. Amid all his thoughts there was one that regularly came to his mind, ‘how can you ask for Yixing’s forgiveness?’ He drifted into sleep thinking about that.

Junmyeon spent more days thinking about that question. In the end, Junmyeon realized that he just needed to be sincere and to truly show Yixing he regretted all his mistakes, and that meant all his mistakes. That was why for the first time, he had asked others about his former relationship with Yixing. He avoided them to tell him details, Junmyeon wanted Yixing to be the one to explain that. Instead, what he questioned his friends about was: ‘Why did I leave Yixing?’ However, nobody knew. None could explain it because Junmyeon had never told them why, only that he had left. His old self was stupid too. Even without understanding why Junmyeon was still going to apologize for everything.

* * *

On the thirty-third day, Junmyeon man up and stood outside Yixing’s apartment. He had calculated that today must be one of Yixing’s day off. Even if it wasn’t, it was Saturday afternoon, Yixing must be home anyways. Nervously, Junmyeon stood in front of the door and silently begged that Yixing would hear him out.

He rang the doorbell once. Nothing happened. He did it again, and again until he lost count and began to knock desperately while calling Yixing’s name, but nobody answered.

“Yixing, I know I’m late, and neither do I have any right to be here… But please, please open the door,” he pleaded. The door remained closed. “I’m sorry Yixing, I’m so sorry for everything I have done to you.”

Junmyeon spent the next two hours sitting outside Yixing’s apartment, having a one-sided conversation with the door. His ability to pursue an encounter with Yixing was hopeless because that door didn’t move an inch. But Junmyeon knew he deserved it, and every other bit of resentment Yixing held against him. And he didn’t go to the restaurant because this conversation needed to happen in private.

“I’m not giving up until you open the door,” he said.

Junmyeon didn’t let his first failed attempt to discourage him. He returned the next day, the day after that, and the followings. On the days Junmyeon had to work, he came near dawn because it was the time Yixing surely must be at home but only to be faced with a closed door. Junmyeon wanted to believe that when Yixing saw through the peephole, he would remain there and listen to Junmyeon’s one-sided conversation and apology for everything and for stealing away his sleep. Sometimes, after apologizing, Junmyeon would tell Yixing about how work was going or what he had done the day before.

“I was passing by this store yesterday. I saw these chocolates, and I thought of you… I’m sorry,” Junmyeon had said on probably the fourth day standing in front of the door. He left there three dozens of Pepero boxes.

Leaving those chocolates had been a sign that Yixing listened to him because the following day Junmyeon didn’t see the bags of chocolates near the door. He smiled and said, “Thank you, Yixing.”

On a Sunday morning, the eighth day, Junmyeon was leaning his head against the door, apologizing yet again, when someone called him from behind.

“Junmyeon?” had Yixing said.

Junmyeon turned around and finally saw Yixing. He would have cried but decided not to. Yixing stood there, unsure and a bit saddened, his hair was a little scruffy, he was also holding a large sports bags.

“Yixing,” Junmyeon muttered.

“What do you want?” Yixing asked indifferently.

Junmyeon rubbed his eyes and gulped, “Like all previous days, I’m here to talk to you and well, apologize.”

Yixing furrowed his eyebrows. “Previous days?”

“Yes, I’ve come here daily since last week… You must have heard me, haven’t you?”

“No,” Yixing said while shaking his head, “I’ve been staying with Kyungsoo this whole time.”

“Oh,” Junmyeon said. It seemed all his previous attempts had surely been a one-sided conversation with the door. However, Yixing was finally standing in front of him, this was his chance to fix everything he had broken. He kneeled and bowed on all fours. “Yixing, I owe so much more than just an apology, but that’s the only thing I have for you. It’s not enough, I know… But I’m so, so, sorry for everything I have done to hurt you. I’m sorry, I really am.”

There was no answer. Junmyeon didn’t dare to look up and see Yixing, he remained in that position. He saw Yixing’s feet in front of him, and he heard him sigh. Yixing opened the apartment’s door. Junmyeon still didn’t move.

“Aren’t you coming in?” Yixing asked from the inside.

Junmyeon raised his upper body and turned around. “Really?” he asked dumbly.

Yixing rolled his eyes, an action Junmyeon had almost never seen before, “Yes, you. You said you wanted to talk, didn’t you?”

Of course, Junmyeon did it. He just didn’t expect it to be this easy, not after coming there eight days straight and thinking that the last Yixing wanted was to see his face. Bewildered, Junmyeon stood up and walked in. As he followed Yixing, Junmyeon noted that all their previous pictures together that were hung on the walls had been taken down, even the trophy was no longer on its usual shelf. It hurt him a little, but what else was he expecting? He was the one who told Yixing to move on.

They sat down in the living room, Yixing on the sofa in front of Junmyeon with crossed arms and legs. “Well, what do you want Junmyeon? And please hurry, Luhan invited me over for lunch.”

This was the treatment Junmyeon earned himself, he knew that. Still, Junmyeon thought best of how to articulate his thoughts so Yixing could see that he was sincere. Apparently, it was much easier to talk to the closed-door than the real person.

“The clock is ticking,” Yixing said after Junmyeon hadn’t spoken for five minutes.

Junmyeon breathed in and then said, “Yixing, I’m really sorry for all of my wrongdoings, for everything I said that day we fought. You didn’t deserve to hear any of it. I realized you weren’t lying, everything you said was true. And I was an ungrateful idiot who couldn’t see that all you were trying to do was help me. I’m so sorry.”

Yixing sighed. “Isn’t it too late to apologize? It’s been over a month, Junmyeon. Why the heck are you doing it now?” he said a tad annoyed.

“You’re right, and that’s another thing I’m sorry about, Yixing. It took me a long time. And I’m not gonna lie, I tried to ignore the fact I had to apologize since I realized you were speaking the truth,” Junmyeon said, “I thought it was the best for you if we didn’t talk anymore. But as the days passed I… I just couldn’t take it anymore. And then it took me more time to think about how to apologize and reflect on why I was apologizing in the first place… I’m sorry.”

“I suppose it’s better late than never,” Yixing muttered, “And at least you realized it.”

“Yes, but not only that. This whole time I’ve been so selfish. Everything was about me, me, and me. And I never stopped to think about you, Yixing. I never thought about how everything I did affect you. I never considered your feelings towards me and how much it must have hurt you to have me near because… You still love me, right?”

Yixing looked surprised for a moment, then he said, “I-I did.”

‘Did,’ Junmyeon thought, a bit dejected by the words.

And after Yixing saw Junmyeon’s saddened expression, he leaned back on the couch and put his hands on his face. “Ugh, who am I kidding, Junmyeon. I still love you, even if you’re an asshole who doesn’t deserve it,” he said.

Junmyeon subtly smiled. “I know, I know I am, and that’s another thing I have to ask your forgiveness about.”

Yixing sat up straight and stared at him.

“I’m so sorry for cowardly leaving you that day. For not properly explaining and just leaving behind the stupidest piece of paper. I don’t know what I was thinking, I really don’t know, and I’m afraid nobody else knows either. It still doesn’t excuse that what I did was plain wrong. I’m sorry, Yixing.”

“Why are you apologizing about that?” Yixing asked with widened eyes.

“As I said, I don’t remember it. But the old Junmyeon’s mistakes are still my mistakes. And you deserve an apology. I’m sorry for all the hurt I’ve caused you, I truly am.”

Junmyeon saw something that could pass as a smile formed on Yixing’s lips.

“I appreciate your efforts to apologize for everything. I understand the courage it takes to admit one’s mistakes… Neither am I one to hold grudges and after hearing you apologize, god knows how many times… I forgive you, Junmyeon.”

“Thank you!” Junmyeon exclaimed happily, “Thank you, Yixing.”

“But you should know that I’m not that innocent either, I have my fair share of errors too.”

“Huh?”

“About your parents, I’m sorry. I should have told you everything. But seeing how those memories used to be painful for you, I thought that if you didn’t know about them now, I would protect you. I just thought… I figured I was protecting you, but it backfired me.”

“Oh, don’t feel bad about that, Yixing. Honestly, you have nothing to apologize for. Even if you had told me about that, I wouldn’t have believed you either… I needed to see it with my own eyes to realize it.”

This time they both smiled. Junmyeon finally saw Yixing’s signature dimpled smile. And then they were silent, but it wasn’t awkward, rather recomforting. Junmyeon could finally breathe in peace knowing that Yixing had listened to him, that Yixing had forgiven him. But there was one thing Junmyeon needed to say. What Junmyeon was going to say would either destroy or better the moment, he still went for it.

“Yixing, this is incredibly selfish because of all the things I have done to you but… Could you perhaps give me another chance? Although I’m not worthy of it.”

“To be friends?” Yixing asked.

“No, another chance for us to be together again.”

Junmyeon saw a glimpse of hope in Yixing’s eyes, but Yixing rapidly shook it away and said, “Why? You don’t even love me Junmyeon. And what if you never do.”

“No, not yet, not in the same way you love me. But I know I will, Yixing. Because as selfish as it sounds, something tells me that I can only be the happiest by your side, that you’re the only one who loves me unconditionally. And I want to love you too, I want to reciprocate your feelings and love you wholeheartedly too. I know I will.”

“You can’t force love, Junmyeon.”

“I know, but you said… We’re soulmates, aren’t we?” Junmyeon said hopefully. He stretched out his hand for Yixing to take it.

Yixing stared at Junmyeon’s hand and shook his head. “I shouldn’t, I really shouldn’t. I should have some dignity and refuse.”

“You should because you deserve better, and I’m sorry for being so selfish,” Junmyeon said. He still didn’t withdraw his hand.

Yixing sighed, and his eyes stared at Junmyeon’s pleading ones. Slowly, Yixing raised his hand until it was on top of Junmyeon’s. A wide grin formed on Junmyeon’s lips when he felt Yixing’s warm and soft hand palm. Junmyeon carefully grabbed Yixing’s hand and stroked it with his thumb.

“Please don’t hurt me again, Junmyeon,” Yixing said.

“I promise you, I won’t, Yixing.”

Yixing smiled again. He held Junmyeon’s hand tighter, still not letting go.

It seemed everything had fallen into place for Junmyeon. He smiled widely as he stared at Yixing in another recomforting silence. This was a new start for them, and Junmyeon was so thankful that Yixing had accepted him again.

“By the way, were you the one who left all those Peperos?” Yixing asked out of nowhere.

Junmyeon blushed and then nodded. “Yeah.”

“I guess I’ll have to tell the janitor that those were really for me,” Yixing said and chuckled, “Thank you.”

* * *

That same day Junmyeon had apologized to Yixing, he knew there were other people he needed to fix matters with. So, after spending some time talking with Yixing and telling him about how things had gone this past month, Junmyeon asked Yixing if he could follow him to Luhan’s house. Those days of meditation Junmyeon had spent, he also realized that if he wanted to start on the right tracks with Yixing, he shouldn’t be on bad terms with anyone who was Yixing’s friend.

So, Junmyeon stood nervously yet again outside a door. Yixing rubbed his shoulder and said it was going to be okay. He took courage and rang the doorbell.

Luhan opened the door smiling, and within less than two seconds it was replaced with a frown. “What the fuck, Junmyeon? I thought I told you to stay away from Yixing,” Luhan said.

“Wait, what?” Yixing asked. “You did what?”

“He came looking for you the other day, but I told him to stay away. Apparently, he doesn’t listen,” Luhan replied pointing at Junmyeon.

“Luhan, you had no right to do that.”

“It was for your own good Yixing!”

“You don’t know what’s best for me.”

“Oh, and you do? Have you forgotten-”

“Please stop!” Junmyeon interfered. This was not how things were supposed to go. He wasn’t there to cause any fights between the two friends. He had promised he wouldn’t hurt Yixing anymore. “Yixing, please don’t blame Luhan, he was trying to protect you. And I’m glad he stopped me that day because otherwise, I wouldn’t have reconsidered about my mistakes like I did now,” Junmyeon said looking at Yixing. Turning around to face Luhan, he said, “Luhan, could we please talk in private?”

Minseok appeared from behind the door. He smiled and greeted Junmyeon and Yixing. “Lu, I’m heading out to buy some beverages. Yixing come with me, so we leave these two to talk,” he said.

Yixing looked unsure for a moment, but after Junmyeon had nodded for him to go, he and Minseok left.

Once they were alone, Luhan said, “Well, talk, because once they return, I’m not listening anymore.”

Junmyeon breathed in. “First of all, I have apologized to Yixing, not only for how I left him recently but for everything I did to him. I honestly mean it, I’m sorry for everything.”

Luhan huffed.

“I have asked Yixing to give me another chance. I want us to start again, rebuild what we used to have, and Yixing accepted.”

“He’s making a terrible mistake,” Luhan said while shaking his head.

“It’s understandable you think that, but I have promised I won’t hurt him anymore. I won’t.”

“Promises are made to be broken,” Luhan replied.

“Luhan, I know you’re angry with me for being a coward, for hurting Yixing and now for coming back as if nothing had ever happened. I understand that, but you don’t have to worry anymore. I will mend all my previous mistakes, and I’ll make sure to make Yixing happy… I hope one day you see the sincerity in my words, and we get along for Yixing’s sake. You guys are all his friends, and I wouldn’t want to cause any trouble between you all.”

Luhan sighed and said, “The thing is, yeah, I’m mad at you, Junmyeon. But not only because of all the shit you did to Yixing but also because… We were all friends Junmyeon! For god’s sake, you, me, Yixing, Minseok, Kyungsoo, we were all friends.”

“What?” Junmyeon asked confused.

“And when you left, not only did you leave Yixing behind but also us! You ignored us, our calls, our texts, you pushed us away just like you had done with Yixing. You left without an explanation. Call me petty, but what the fuck was that? We were friends, Junmyeon. For seven years! But apparently, that didn’t mean shit for you, because you easily tossed us, me, away.”

And then Junmyeon realized it, as he saw Luhan’s sad expression. He knew they had been friends, Yixing had said it. But he had missed seeing that his past actions had also hurt them, not only Yixing. Luhan was right, if they had been friends for seven years, how could he have put them aside so easily? What kind of friend would do that? No matter how much Junmyeon wanted to answer those questions, it was impossible. He didn’t remember it, and he would probably never do.

“I’m sorry, Luhan,” Junmyeon apologized and bowed, because yes, he and the others also deserved an apology. “I’m really sorry for just leaving like that… You have all the rights to be mad at me. I was an awful friend. And I might not know why I did it, but I’m still deeply sorry.”

Luhan remained silent, and Junmyeon remained bowing.

After what seemed an eternity, Luhan spoke. “You deserved to be yelled at, for me to keep insulting you, scream all the reasons why you are a terrible person, and that I’ll never forgive you.”

That hurt, but Junmyeon still asked, “Then, what’s stopping you?”

“You’re willing to let me scream at you for something you don’t even remember doing?”

“Yeah,” Junmyeon nodded. “Yixing didn’t do it, he was pretty calm. But somebody should. It’s the least I deserve after all I have done.”

Luhan laughed.

Junmyeon stood straight and stared at Luhan. “What?” he asked.

“You’ve always been an idiot,” Luhan said. And for the first time ever, Junmyeon saw Luhan smiling. “Well, it’s months later but, hey at least you’re assuming your mistakes and apologizing.”

Junmyeon smiled back. “Sorry for being this late.”

“I still haven’t forgiven you completely, but I’m willing to try. Now get in before Yixing and Min asked why we’re speaking in the hallway,” Luhan said.

That was enough for Junmyeon. He followed Luhan in, but as he removed his shoes, he worriedly asked, “Do you think Minseok and Kyungsoo will feel the same?”

“Minseok will surely forgive you right away, that’s how he is. But Kyungsoo…”

“Won’t?”

“Well, if you can explain why you were on a drinking date with some man right after breaking up with Yixing, then I guess he might try. He doesn’t like cowards, liars, or cheaters for that matter.”

Junmyeon furrowed his eyebrows. “But all the people I’ve talked to said I never dated anyone during those three months.” Or well, that was what his old self had said. Now, Junmyeon was getting anxious.

“I don’t know. But that’s what Kyungsoo saw. I’m not sure about the date part, but Yixing doesn’t believe it, or well he thinks you might have been drinking with a friend.”

Junmyeon nodded, “It could have been Jongdae,” he said.

Luhan nodded too, “In the meantime, I guess Kyungsoo’s grudge against you will count for us all. But don’t worry, I know one day, he’ll come around,” he reassured Junmyeon.

Junmyeon hoped Luhan was right.


	10. Chapter 10

**The vanished memories V**

_Six years earlier_

No amount of falling tears could express the agony he was trapped in. No matter how many items he threw and tossed could take away his anger. Nothing could make his mind stop replaying those horrendous images that shattered his heart.

Everything had occurred in the blink of an eye. As he had walked those few steps that lead to the bedroom, it seemed surreal, impossible, a nightmare. Yet his mind hadn’t imagined it, his vision hadn’t failed, his hearing wasn’t mistaken. The trail of clothes, the lewd sounds, the moans, the naked bodies, the man he loved holding someone else, everything was happening; everything was true, and everything crumbled.

For the last four hours, Yixing had been sitting in the dark, crying, cursing, and calling himself repeatedly what an idiot he had been. And it wasn’t only Mi’s betrayal that broke him, there was also the fact that Yixing had thought Mi really loved him. Yixing had believed every sweet nothing, every smile, every kiss, everything. He had also seen a future with Mi, a possibility of being happy for the rest of his life. Meanwhile, nothing of this had mattered to Mi. How stupid.

How could he have believed Mi’s excuses? How could he have blindly trusted him? How could he have let this happen?

One year and four months of his life had been wasted on nothing but lies. Amid his mayhem and suffering, Yixing couldn’t help thinking, if only he had listened to Junmyeon five months ago, if only he had taken his words seriously, could he have avoided this much suffering?

“You were right, you were so right,” Yixing said and laughed sadly. He looked around his living room. Even if the glimpses of moonlight were few, he could still see everything clearly. The turmoil within him resembled the one he saw around those four walls. Yet destroying the room hadn’t help at all. He felt stupid.

If only he had listened. If only he had heard, then perhaps he wouldn’t have made so many mistakes. The recount of his errors brought another regret to his mind. Yixing couldn’t take back the lost time with Mi, he couldn’t instantly take away the pain that sickened his heart, no, but he could rectify one thing. And even if it was two in the morning, the desperation to fix the one thing within his grasp, made him stand up, leave his apartment, walk inside his car, and drive to that one destination. He needed to find that momentarily peace.

As Yixing stood outside the apartment’s door, he realized what a state he must be in, how horrible he must look with a runny nose, dampened cheeks, and his annoying hiccup. But that didn’t stop him from ringing the doorbell; he needed to do this. A few moments later the door opened, and a part of him was relieved it had been opened.

“Yixing?” Junmyeon asked with a groggy voice. His eyes hurriedly tried to adapt to the blinding lightness from the hall. And once he clearly saw Yixing standing in front of him, he gasped. “Oh my god, Yixing, what happened to you?” he asked with concern.

“Can I come in… Jun?” Yixing wondered. How weird, it had been such a long time since he last called him that.

Junmyeon looked confused before nodding. “Yes, of course, Xing, step in.”

Yixing followed Junmyeon inside. They strode into the kitchen where Junmyeon offered him a glass of water. Sitting around the dinner table, he drank the soothing liquid. After finally calming himself, Yixing began explaining to Junmyeon what had happened on this endless night.

Junmyeon had always been a great listener. He never interrupted someone when they spoke. His eyes were always focused on the person talking as if that moment was the only thing that mattered to him. And even now, when Junmyeon could at any time have said to Yixing that he had been right this whole time, he remained silent.

Yixing explained how he had found Mi laying in bed with someone else. He had cried and screamed at Mi for his unfaithfulness. Mi heartlessly excused himself by saying that he and Yixing weren’t what they used to be ever since Yixing got promoted. If anything, it was Yixing’s fault for taking more shifts at work and not having time to spend together. Naturally, this led Mi to slowly fall out of love, and find that comfort somewhere else (more precisely with his dental assistant). Yixing should have seen this coming.

“What an asshole,” Junmyeon said annoyed and with a frown on his face. “Yixing, don’t listen to him!” He raised his arm and carefully placed his hand on top of Yixing’s shoulder. “This isn’t your fault. He’s a cheating bastard, there’s no excuse for that,” he said while caressing Yixing’s shoulder.

A part of Yixing had expected that the first words Junmyeon uttered would have been ‘Didn’t I tell you Yixing? This is your fault for not believing in me.’ But Junmyeon hadn’t said that instead, he was comforting him. “Shouldn’t you scold me? Mock me and say, ‘I told you so, this is what you deserve or something like that,’” Yixing trailed off.

“Why are you saying that?”

“Because I basically forced you to say you were a liar… When you were actually telling me the truth,” Yixing said. Then he saw Junmyeon’s tender smile, that smile that gave his cheekbones a slight glow.

“If you think I’m mad at you for that, then don’t worry, I’m not. You were in love, Xing,” Junmyeon said, “Of course you wouldn’t listen to any proofless statements. Especially ones that could jeopardize your relationship. Later I actually admired the amount of trust you could put on the people you love.”

Yixing huffed, “Well, look where that took me.”

“Still, don’t blame yourself. You just happened to come across the biggest jerk in town.”

“I feel I have been the biggest jerk in town,” Yixing said. “I should listen to my friends more often. And Jun, I’m sorry, really, I am.”

Junmyeon’s eyes widened. “Hey, I told you-”

“I’m sorry for not believing in you and well forcing you to call yourself a liar,” Yixing interrupted Junmyeon, “You were right, you were so right and… I should have trusted you. I’m sorry.”

Junmyeon smiled again. “Like I said, it’s okay but thanks. I’m glad you’re not together with that asshole anymore,” he said.

And for the first time in a long time, Yixing genially smiled back at Junmyeon, his usual dimpled-smile. “Yeah, me too. It still hurts but, it is for the best.”

Nodding, Junmyeon stood up. “Come on, I’ll prepare you the couch. It’s been a long night, and you could use some sleep.”

“You don’t mind me staying over?” Yixing asked nervously.

“Of course not, silly,” Junmyeon said, smiling again.

So, Yixing followed Junmyeon to the living room. Junmyeon disappeared somewhere in the hall and came back holding a bedsheet, a blanket, and some pillows. After arranging Yixing’s provisionary bed, he wished him goodnight and once again told him to not blame himself, that everything would be okay. Meanwhile, Yixing thanked him for everything.

Yixing laid on the couch, still feeling grateful to have such a friend like Junmyeon. And he had finally gotten that peace he strove for, even if it was momentary. It would take him time to stitch back his broken heart into pieces, but as he drifted off to sleep, Yixing thought that yes, this was for the best.

Having slept only a few hours, Yixing woke up not so tired the next morning. Letting the thoughts of last night's events wander into his mind, he was relieved to not feel so much need to cry.

He looked around the living room. It was neat and tidy, entirely different from the state he had left his own house back home. How odd, Yixing remembered Junmyeon being a complete mess back then. He got up and went to the bathroom. Looking himself in the mirror, he finally saw what a deplorable state he was at. He could feel the sticky sensation of dry tears on his cheeks, his eyes were puffy and red, his hair was muddled everywhere. Rapidly he looked away and opened the tap to wash his face. He wouldn’t let Mi destroy his life, he would get over him, and he would find his true happiness one day.

Once he was more presentable, Yixing strode back to the living room. He thought of somehow repaying Junmyeon for disrupting his sleep last night. So, he decided to make breakfast for the two. Unsure of what to cook, Yixing walked to Junmyeon’s room, hoping that he was awake.

The door wasn’t fully closed. Carefully, Yixing pulled the door and peeked inside the room. Then his hand stopped short. He gasped. Junmyeon was still asleep, but a man was sleeping next to him, his upper body was naked.

With the same quietness as before, Yixing closed the door. He remained immobile. Did Junmyeon have a boyfriend? Since when? He had never seen that man with Junmyeon before. Yixing figured that Junmyeon would probably tell him more about this later. Right now, he shouldn’t bother the two anymore.

Quietly, he walked away. Yixing strode to the hallway, put on his shoes, opened the door, and left Junmyeon’s apartment. As he walked to his car, he wrote a quick thank you text to Junmyeon and apologized for leaving like that, but he had something to do that morning.

Was there an exact amount of time to cure a heartbreak? Yixing already knew that no, there wasn’t, and there will never be.

The first weeks had been hard. Even if the first day of being single he had gotten rid of every reminder of Mi, somehow his mind always found something which triggered their memories. Once those reminiscences were unleashed, he always ended up thinking back on the night he had found Mi cheating on him. And sometimes the hurt was just too unbearable he couldn’t help crying. So, he cried. A lot. Sometimes even at work, the tears would unexpectedly fall. And his excuse that the cause of those tears was cutting onions didn’t help whenever he cut carrots for example.

During those first months of misery, his friends, Minseok, Luhan, and Junmyeon, had been there for him. They always made sure to invite him over during the weekends Yixing was free from work. They regularly called to ask how he was feeling, or to simply distract him from his thoughts. And Yixing always made sure to thank them because he knew how busy they must be with their lives, yet they still found time for him.

However, Junmyeon was perhaps the one who was with him the most. He would call or text him almost daily during the first weeks after his break-up. Sometimes Yixing would be in the middle of crying, and he would get one of Junmyeon’s silly texts. Reading them would make Yixing laugh or smile amid tears. They also retook the routines they used to have before Yixing had accused Junmyeon of being a liar. This time they added the fact that Junmyeon would sometimes stay over at his place, or vice versa, whenever Yixing or Junmyeon had days off work. When Yixing would suddenly cry, Junmyeon was almost always there to hold him.

More months passed, Yixing found a new apartment without any traces of Mi, and he decided to focus more on work or whatever activity his friends came up. The cure to his broken heart was definitely time. Eventually, he couldn’t pinpoint which day or month the tears had stopped falling, they were replaced with dimpled smiles and laughs. The memories stopped haunting him. The feelings for Mi deteriorated until they became inexistent. Everything had slowly stopped hurting. But he fully grasped on this knowledge the day he saw Mi and his lover, or boyfriend he assumed, standing in line at the supermarket. Junmyeon was there with him and said they could go to another cashier. But Yixing shook his head. He didn’t feel hurt by seeing them, he didn’t feel heartbroken nor bothered by it. The only thing he felt was sorry for Mi’s current boyfriend because there was a chance Mi would probably do him the same thing he did to Yixing. So, he and Junmyeon didn’t move from the line. And when Mi had turned around and saw him, Yixing just smiled and kept talking to Junmyeon.

So, Yixing had finally put an end to that horrific chapter in his life.

What Yixing did next was to continue moving on. For now, he decided not to focus on dating and rather put his entire attention on work and the next step of his career. One day he hoped to be promoted and become the new sous chef, the second in command in the kitchen. What Yixing didn’t know was that the heart is uncontrollable, it dictates on its own who and when to fall for someone, and it was inevitable. That was something he would realize later.

* * *

It was on a Friday night that Yixing was free from work that day, and the following. Like it was their routine whenever Junmyeon wasn’t dating anyone (because Yixing knew there should be boundaries), Yixing went over to Junmyeon’s apartment. He opened the door with his spare key, removed his shoes, walked into the living room, placed on the coffee table the pizza boxes, and can of sodas he was holding. Then Yixing strode to Junmyeon’s DVD collection to choose the movie they would see that night. Junmyeon would be home anytime soon.

And sure enough, once Yixing was all set up and sitting on the couch, he heard the front door open and Junmyeon’s voice. When Junmyeon appeared before him, Yixing realized he wasn’t alone. Yixing stared at the extremely tall man standing next to Junmyeon because he was sure he had seen him somewhere else before. And that he had done. After scrolling through his memories, he realized it was the same man he saw sleeping next to Junmyeon that day. Now he figured that Junmyeon had never explained to him who that man was.

“Xing, goodnight,” Junmyeon broke the awkward silence first after recovering from his astonishment.

Yixing stopped staring at the tall man and focused on Junmyeon. “Jun, hi. Sorry for the intrusion, I didn’t know you were busy tonight,” he apologized.

Junmyeon shook his head smiling. “No, no, no, there’s no problem. I gave you that spare key for a reason, didn’t I?”

Then they were silent again. And Yixing’s curiosity took over him. “Well, aren’t you going to introduce us?” he asked staring at the tall man.

“Oh, right.” The two walked closer until they stood an arm’s distance from Yixing. “Fan, this is Zhang Yixing, one of my best friends,” Junmyeon said. “Yixing, this is Wu Yifan, a…friend of mine.”

Yixing noted how Yifan’s face went from uninterested to amused in an instant. Yifan raised his hand to shake it with Yixing’s.

Another silence fell. And to make things less awkward for everyone, Yixing said, “Well, I think I better go home.”

“No, stay, please. You were about to eat dinner, weren’t you? We have already eaten. Please go ahead,” Junmyeon said and smiled. “Fan and I can go somewhere else.”

Yixing didn’t know why that last statement made him uncomfortable. Junmyeon hadn’t suggested for them to stay and watch the movie together, he wouldn’t have minded having Yifan there. No, Junmyeon wanted to be alone with Yifan. He thought there was something more to these twos relationship. And that made Yixing feel an odd sense of protection, or perhaps jealousy? He didn’t know, but there was something that bothered him about ‘Fan’ and Junmyeon being together. “This is your house Jun, I’ll go,” Yixing said nonetheless.

And Junmyeon just nodded awkwardly as Yixing picked up one of the pizza boxes and cans of soda. He wished them goodnight and left the apartment, somehow feeling the unhappiest he had felt in a long time.

The explanation of Junmyeon’s and Yifan’s relationship would come a week later. This time Yixing and Junmyeon had decided to eat Sunday’s lunch together. Yixing had prepared for them something quick in his kitchen. They sat down at the dinner table, eating while talking about their week. And after both had finished their meals, Yixing went ahead.

“So, Jun, what’s the deal with you and that Yifan?” Yixing asked.

Junmyeon got nervous. “What do you mean? We’re friends,” he said.

“Are you really?”

“Yes, why are you asking this?”

Yixing sighed, then he said, “Because, remember that night I went over to your place after finding out Mi cheated on me?”

Junmyeon nodded.

“Well, the next morning I was going to ask you what you wanted for breakfast when… I saw you two on the bed. Sleeping next to each other and he… Wasn’t wearing a shirt.”

Gasping, Junmyeon remained in silence for a while. When he was ready to talk, he fought to find his words, until he gave up and sighed. “Okay, I’ll tell you, but promise me you won’t make a big deal out of it,” he said.

Yixing couldn’t understand why he would, and he was getting worried, but he nodded nonetheless.

“Fan and I met in a non-conventional way?” Junmyeon said. Shortly, the night they had met they had a one-night stand, or at least that was what Junmyeon had thought. But later he had crossed paths with Yifan once more, and they slept together again. After that second time, Yifan had been frank with him and told him he wasn’t much of the relationship type, he didn’t like being committed to one person and preferred things to be casual. So, if Junmyeon was expecting some kind of monogamous romantic relationship, this wasn’t it, had Yifan said. Surprisingly, Junmyeon didn’t mind hearing that. Junmyeon hadn’t taken Yifan for that type either. So, when Yifan had asked him if they could keep things like that, boldly, Junmyeon agreed to it. In the end, they exchanged numbers and kept in touch. Over time, they had even developed a friendship, sometimes they even met only to eat together, drink or chat. It had already been a little over a year since this was going on.

“So, he’s like your friend with benefits?” Yixing asked.

“Yeah, I guess you could call it that,” Junmyeon said.

“And you get together whenever one of you two feels like it?”

“Pretty much.”

Everything Yixing had heard was so unlike Junmyeon. Yixing couldn’t figure out what had driven Junmyeon to accept such a thing, to become so cynical. This was Junmyeon, the Junmyeon who had always been the believer of soulmates and that everyone had one person destined to themselves. The ‘hooking up whenever they felt like it’ wasn’t the Junmyeon he remembered. And besides feeling bothered by it, he was also hurt by realizing what Yifan and Junmyeon had done that night. But Yixing was worried about Junmyeon too. “Junmyeon, you need to stop this,” he said.

“You promised not to make a big deal out of this.”

“But it is! Like, you’ve dated other people too, Junmyeon. Don’t tell me you hooked up with Yifan while doing that,” Yixing said horrified.

Junmyeon effusively shook his head. “No, of course not! I’m not like that. It only happens once in a while when I’m single. Otherwise, we’re pretty much friends like you and me.”

“Still, you need to put an end to it. It’s not healthy, and it’ll cause you trouble,” Yixing said firmly, “Do you think your future partner will be happy knowing that you and he are that kinds of friends?”

“Look, Yixing, I don’t see what the problem is. Like I said, it’s just casual, nothing more. We both are aware of it. And what future partner? Please, all my relationships don’t seem to last longer than two months.”

“And have you not thought why that might be?”

“There’s nothing wrong with what we’re doing. We are not hurting anybody. And now please, let’s change topics,” Junmyeon said, putting an end to that conversation.

But after that day, Yixing couldn’t help thinking about that. After encountering Yifan a few more times at Junmyeon’s place, he concluded he didn’t like Yifan (and vice versa) and that Junmyeon should stay away from him. In the long run, this was going to hurt Junmyeon. However, Junmyeon still didn’t listen to him, and he said that it wasn’t of Yixing’s business. And he was right, it wasn’t Yixing’s business who Junmyeon had sex with. But Yixing couldn’t help being bothered by it. He needed to put an end to their relationship.

So, one night Yixing went to that bar Junmyeon and Yifan would meet to drink at. He walked in and didn’t spend much time searching for the tall blond man. Yixing saw Yifan sitting on the bar counter, chatting intimately with another man while he caressed the man’s hands. Yes, Yifan wasn’t right for Junmyeon. Yixing strode towards them. Once he stood behind Yifan, he cleared his throat.

Yifan turned around and stared at Yixing directly in the eyes. “Well, well, well, if it isn’t little Yixing,” he said amusedly.

Yixing huffed.

“What do you want? And make it quick, I’m in good company,” Yifan said, grinning at the man next to him.

“You need to stay away from Junmyeon,” Yixing said sternly.

Yifan raised an eyebrow. “And, why should I?”

“Because I know what deal you two have, but Jun is nothing like you. He is…better than this. And you’re no good for him.”

Laughing, Yifan said, “You really have nerve coming here. Ordering me to end a dear friendship. Pretending you care about ‘Jun’s’ wellbeing when I distinctly remember how one time you completely dissed him. How you forced him to call himself a liar and hurt him, just because you couldn’t believe your man was screwing around with someone else.”

Yixing squeezed his hand into a fist. “That was in the past. I already apologized, and Junmyeon and I have looked past it.”

“Yeah, seems like Junmyeon likes keeping ‘bad’ friends.”

“Just stay away from him,” Yixing said. His fist remained squeezed it almost hurt.

“You have no right over that. You’re nothing to him.”

“He’s my best friend. I care about him, and I’m looking out for his best,” Yixing said. The anger on his face was more evident now.

Yifan smirked. “Are you really? Or are you just doing this more for yourself… Because you are insanely jealous over the fact I get to fuck him whenever I want while you’re just his ‘best friend.’”

This was it for Yixing. “Shut your mouth!” he cried and tried to smash his fist on Yifan’s face, but Yifan was faster than him and took his fist with his hand. And before Yixing could raise his other fist to smack the heck out of Yifan, a security guard was pulling him outside.

“Stay away from him! Stay away,” Yixing shouted as he was forced out from the bar.

Once the cold air hit Yixing’s face outside, he panted rapidly and realized one thing. Yifan had been right, Yixing was jealous. He was extremely jealous. Why hadn’t he realized this before? Of course, it wasn’t normal for him to want to spend so much time with none else but Junmyeon. Of course, it wasn’t normal that Junmyeon’s hugs would feel so recomforting. Of course, it wasn’t normal he wanted so much that Yifan and Junmyeon stopped fooling around because he felt so utterly heartbroken whenever he saw them together. Of course, it wasn’t normal he wanted to be the center of Junmyeon’s attention. Of course, it wasn’t normal he wanted none else but Junmyeon by his side.

Yixing had been so fed up with the idea of focusing on work and not dating, that he had completely ignored the real feelings he harbored for Junmyeon. It was not friendship.

He sighed loudly and promised himself he would do anything he could to win Junmyeon’s heart back. Yes, back, because he had always suspected that the time Junmyeon had tried to kiss him on the balcony, Junmyeon must have liked him. But Yixing had been foolish enough to ruin everything. Now, apparently, Junmyeon had forgotten those feelings, which was reasonable.

However, Yixing foolishness, again, ruined everything because he couldn’t utter the words to confess. He didn’t exactly know how to phrase that he and Junmyeon should try dating again because last time he had coldly disregarded Junmyeon’s feelings for him. And Yixing was also afraid Junmyeon wouldn’t even want to date him. Yixing had been single and over Mi for a long time now, but Junmyeon had never asked him out once, and he still kept his odd relationship with Yifan. So, every day he doubted whether to say out loud what he felt. But someone beat him to it, and it wasn’t who he had expected.

“So, are we meeting up on Saturday to see that movie” had Yixing asked one day during dinner.

“No, I can’t.”

“Why? You have work left?”

“No, I have a date.”

It had been such a long time since Yixing had heard those words, and now he felt how much it hurt. He forced a smile, “Oh really? Who’s the lucky guy?”

“Actually, it’s Fan. He and I have decided to try dating officially.”

Yixing gasped. ‘No, Jun, you can’t, you’re supposed to be with me,’ he thought as his heart slowly shattered into pieces.

“I think your words that time got to me, and I guess in the long run it wouldn’t be healthy. Surprisingly it was Fan’s idea,” Junmyeon explained, “I think he wants to steady himself now.”

Yixing closed his hand into a fist underneath the dinner table. “Can you really trust his words? I mean didn’t you say he wanted everything to be casual?” he asked.

“We haven’t done… That… in a long time, and we have actually spent the most time talking. He was eager about it, and he seemed sincere. It wouldn’t hurt trying,” Junmyeon said and smiled.

That doesn’t mean he hasn’t done it with anyone else, Yixing wanted to say. “People don’t change overnight, Junmyeon,” he said coldly.

“Perhaps, but everyone deserves a chance, don’t you think?”

That hurt. Again, Yixing scolded himself for being stupid.

On the night of Yifan’s and Junmyeon’s official first date, Yixing was at Junmyeon’s apartment. He had come as a support to Junmyeon, trying to help him choose what clothes to wear and whatnot. It all reminded him of that time Junmyeon had helped him in high-school. But the truth was that Yixing was there to impede Junmyeon’s date, yet he didn't have a good enough reason for him not to go. He felt that confessing there would only get him rejected, Junmyeon seemed to be looking forward to this stupid date. So, silently, he cursed and prayed that something, something happened that night so Junmyeon would realize the kind of scumbag Yifan was.

His prayers were answered when Junmyeon was taking a shower. Junmyeon’s phone rang, and when Yixing picked up the device to see the caller ID, it was Yifan. He heard the phone ring a couple more times until it stopped. And then he saw that Junmyeon had three voicemails. It was wrong, it was all so wrong, but Yixing did it anyway. He pressed the buttons, put the phone against his ear, and listened.

What Yifan had explained in those messages was that due to a work emergency he had to travel outside the country for two weeks. He wouldn’t be able to contact Junmyeon, so he profusely apologized for canceling their date at the last minute. Yifan also hoped that once he came back, Junmyeon would still be up to go out together.

After hearing the messages, Yixing did the only thing he could. He deleted each voicemail and missed calls, leaving no trace behind that Yifan had called. This is for your best, Jun, Yixing thought as he placed the phone back in its original position. And once Junmyeon returned newly showered and looking as gorgeous as ever, Yixing felt somewhat guilty for doing that to him, but he didn’t mention anything.

Neither did Yixing mention his sin when Junmyeon appeared before his door later that night.

“Fan stood me up,” Junmyeon said, looking gloomy. “I called him, but he never picked up. I waited for three hours, but he didn’t show up… This night meant nothing to him.”

Yixing grabbed Junmyeon inside and embraced him in a hug. Junmyeon hugged him back. “You don’t need him, Jun,” he said, trying to console him. But deep down Yixing knew this was all his fault, that he was probably becoming the same as Yifan, or worse. I’m sorry Junmyeon, he thought but didn’t utter the words.

Either way, for the next two weeks Yixing had Junmyeon all to himself. And something good had come out of his lie because Junmyeon had made up his mind to never see Yifan again, that it had all been a disastrous mistake and he should focus on being in healthy relationships from thereon. It was evident Yifan would take their relationship as a game and Junmyeon didn’t want to get hurt. Yixing only nodded and agreed to all of his ideas, yet he also felt bad for fooling Junmyeon. But now, a long time had passed since his lie, and he was afraid Junmyeon wouldn’t forgive him or trust him if he came clean. So, he remained silent.

Yixing got his third chance to come to clean a couple of days after Yifan’s return. Unexpectedly, Yifan and Junmyeon stormed inside his kitchen at the restaurant. Junmyeon tried to push Yifan back but failed due to their body differences. The head chef kept asking why the newly appointed sous chef’s friends were causing an uproar in his kitchen. And Yixing did his best to throw out the angry Yifan, who was repeatedly accusing Yixing of sabotaging their relationship and manipulating Junmyeon to stay away from him. Yixing denied the accusations.

“Just admit it you damn liar, you deleted the messages I left for Junmyeon that night!” Yifan shouted.

And that terrifying voice had made everyone stay silent in the kitchen as they waited for Yixing’s response.

Yixing looked away from Yifan’s angry expression to meet Junmyeon’s worried eyes. He couldn’t do it. Again, he mentally apologized to Junmyeon for what he was about to say.

“I didn’t do anything,” Yixing said firmly.

And with that said, Yixing ordered Yifan to get the hell out of his kitchen before he called the police. Yifan compelled but not before insulting Yixing for being a ‘fucking liar.’

After that day, Yixing didn’t see Yifan again, and neither did Junmyeon.

* * *

On the day of Yixing’s twenty-fifth birthday, he, Junmyeon, Luhan, and Minseok among other friends, went to a club to celebrate. Yixing also enjoyed dancing, and even if he didn’t particularly like drinking, it was on these kinds of days he made an exception.

While Luhan and Minseok had finally made their relationship official three months prior, Yixing and Junmyeon were nowhere there. After that whole Yifan incident, Yixing had wanted to give Junmyeon time to recover from whatever thing he felt for that man. By now months had passed, and they were both in a better place, but Yixing was still a coward who didn’t utter a thing about his feelings, until this night.

At the club, he drank but not to the point of losing his senses. Yixing also danced, mostly with Junmyeon. And it was definitely a heated dance, but Junmyeon didn’t seem to care about that and followed his lead. Again, neither of them were too drunk, and somehow, this gave Yixing hope that maybe Junmyeon had started to feel the same for him.

Once the celebration ended Yixing and Junmyeon went to Yixing’s apartment. They stood on the balcony enjoying the fresh autumn breeze, staring at the skyline into the distance. Maybe it was the small fractions of alcohol in his system, or the desperation to fully embrace the one he was in love with, Yixing didn’t know what exactly gave him the courage to say what he said next.

“Jun, I know you already gave me a present and my birthday ended hours ago… But could I ask for something else?”

Junmyeon looked at him tenderly and smiled the way his cheekbones would shine brightly. “But of course, Xing, go ahead!”

“I want you to kiss me,” Yixing said without hesitation, his eyes never leaving Junmyeon’s.

Puzzlement, that was what Junmyeon’s face showed momentarily. But then he gulped and nodded. Carefully he walked until he stood in front of Yixing. Yixing turned around to face him. Junmyeon raised his hands and cupped Yixing’s cheeks. Yixing closed his eyes. In less than two seconds Junmyeon was kissing him. His soft, sweet lips were finally caressing his. It was innocent at first, only a chaste clash of lips. But then Junmyeon’s hands moved to Yixing’s grab waist, and Yixing raised his arms to enclose them around Junmyeon’s neck. Then it got sloppier, desperate, and with tongues hurriedly conquering the other’s mouth, tasting every bit.

Still kissing, Junmyeon grabbed the side of Yixing’s tights to raise him, and Yixing lightly jumped to wrap his legs around Junmyeon’s hips. Junmyeon moved them inside the living room, and steps later he carefully positioned Yixing on the couch. Yixing unwrapped himself, his hands lowered and touched Junmyeon’s torso until he reached the t-shirt’s hem. As he was starting to pull the t-shirt upwards, Junmyeon broke the kiss and backed away.

“What’s wrong?” Yixing asked amid breaths.

Junmyeon got off from Yixing and sat up straight on the other end of the couch. Yixing did the same but scoot over a bit closer to him.

Panting, Junmyeon said, “We shouldn’t do this.”

“Why?”

“We’re not together. We’re friends, Yixing, wouldn’t this ruin everything?”

“But you had no problem sleeping around with Yifan,” Yixing said. He could see the hurt on Junmyeon’s face, but as much as Yixing wanted to take back his words, it was too late. His horny and jealous self had been the one speaking. “Jun, I’m-”

“And that was a huge mistake. It’s nothing against you, Yixing. I just don’t want to make any more mistakes in my life.”

“I’m sorry,” Yixing said.

Junmyeon turned sideways and put his palm on top of Yixing’s cheek. “If we’re sleeping together, I want us to be in a committed and serious relationship. I realized I don’t want any more silly games. And you hold a way more special place in my heart to just become a mere one-night stand.”

Yixing blushed. “Is that what you want? For us to be in a relationship?” he asked expectantly.

“Is that what you want?” Junmyeon asked.

“Yes,” Yixing said without a doubt. “I didn’t realize it at first, but I’ve been in love with you for some time. And you know, because of things I was afraid to tell you, mainly to be rejected... But I’m saying it now, I want to be with you, Jun. Please give me another chance.”

Junmyeon smiled that broad smile that lightened his cheekbones. “Ever since that day at the Pearl River, when you defended Mi, I gave up the idea of being with you again,” Junmyeon said. “I thought you and I were probably meant to be friends, that we’d be happier that way. So, I gave in to Yifan’s proposal, and I said yes to dating the other people who had asked me.”

Yixing’s heart pounded desperately, afraid.

“I thought that embracing them and to do everything else would make me erase you from my heart. But I was wrong, Yixing,” Junmyeon uttered, “Because whenever I was with you, you reminded me that I hadn’t entirely forgotten you. I hated to feel that way because I knew one day you would find someone else. So, I kept trying but do you know why my relationships never lasted more than two months? It was because of you.”

Yixing gasped.

“Because those exes always told me I spend too much time with you, and they wanted me to stop seeing you, for us to cease to be friends. But I could never say yes to that, so we always fought and broke up.”

Yixing remained quiet, feeling slightly guilty for making Junmyeon go through all that.

“You should know that sleeping with Yifan never meant anything. I’m ashamed to say this, but it was mostly to calm down my horny ass… Again, that was a huge mistake. And yes, at some point I thought that Yifan would be the answer to me getting over you. But I was wrong there too.”

Then they were silent for a while as Yixing tried to take in everything Junmyeon had said.

“So, to answer your question, yes,” Junmyeon said, “I want to be with you. Deep down I have always wanted that. I think we both forgot about it for some years, but I remember now, why I wasn’t able to forget you, is because you’re my soulmate, right?”

Soulmate. That was right. Junmyeon had called them that on their last day of high-school, and Yixing had said that soulmates, undoubtedly, would find their way back. How could he have forgotten that? Some tears rolled down Yixing’s cheeks, and Junmyeon tenderly whipped them away. “And you’re mine, I know now,” Yixing said.

Junmyeon leaned in to kiss Yixing’s forehead. Yixing raised his arms to envelop Junmyeon in a hug.

“Thank you, Junmyeon.”

“Let’s finally be happy, okay Xing?” Junmyeon said.

Yixing nodded. When they separated, Yixing said, “Can I still sleep on your bed tonight?” and before Junmyeon looked at him perplexed Yixing added, “Fully clothed of course... I just don’t want to sleep alone.”

Junmyeon laughed but nodded anyway.

“Carry me?” Yixing asked, pouting his lower lip. He saw another grin on Junmyeon’s lips.

“Come here,” Junmyeon said and then carried Yixing to bed.

And for the first time in forever, Yixing would be enveloped in the warmth of Junmyeon’s arms and as he drifted off to sleep, he thought, this was where he belonged.

* * *

After their confession, everything went well for Yixing’s and Junmyeon’s relationship. Sure, they had their couple fights, but it was never anything serious that couldn’t be fixed with some words of regret

They also created many memories together, way more many than what their brief time together in their youth had given them.

For instance, Yixing always held dear the moment he finally said I love you to Junmyeon again. It happened some days after their first Christmas as a couple. They were walking down their usual path near the Pearl River, holding hands, listening to the water flow, watching the skyline. And seeing that this was the third Christmas Yixing had spent in Guangzhou without any traces of snow falling down the skies, he couldn’t help but utter his disappointment.

Junmyeon put a hand inside his pockets and desperately tried to find something. Once he did, he held a coin, walked to lean on the cement fence, then he closed his eyes and mumbled some inaudible words, and tossed it into the water.

Amused by the action, Yixing asked what Junmyeon had just done.

“I wished for it to snow. Just wait for it, my wish is going to break the curse. I’m gonna make it snow for you one day, Xing,” Junmyeon said happily. He was smiling, the smile Yixing loved to see the most. And then both erupted into laughter.

“I love you so much,” Yixing said amid chuckles. And once both realized what had been uttered, they stopped laughing.

“What?” Junmyeon asked.

Was it too soon to say it? They had only been together for two months, barely breaking the record of Junmyeon’s past relationships. But somehow it felt right to say it then and there. And Yixing wanted to say it, again and again, so he did. “I said, I love you, Jun.”

Junmyeon moved to stand closer to Yixing. He held Yixing by his waist and planted a kiss on his lips. “I love you too,” Junmyeon repeated between kisses.

And this same impulsivity followed them during their relationship.

A little over a year passed since they got together. It was a lazy Sunday morning, and they were cuddling in bed. Yixing was tracing scrawls around Junmyeon’s bare chest, while Junmyeon caressed his back.

“Hey, we should move in together,” had Junmyeon said out of nowhere.

Surprised, Yixing asked, “Are you serious? Isn’t it too soon? Are we even ready?”

Junmyeon smiled, “Tell me when was the last time you slept at your place?”

He had a point. For the past months, Yixing had decided to crash at Junmyeon’s apartment. Yixing had said because it was only at walking distance from the restaurant which was convenient. But he also loved going to sleep in Junmyeon’s embrace and waking up every morning next to him. If anything he was thrilled to hear Junmyeon asking him the question. “You do have a point there,” Yixing said and chuckled, “Alright, let’s move in together, Jun.”

Other times impulsivity could be quite problematic, but this had nothing to do with their relationship. They had been together for three years now. Anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, if work wasn’t on the way, they had spent each one of them together. Everything was going fine between them.

A year ago, Yixing’s friend Do Kyungsoo had surprised him by saying he had some capital to start his own restaurant, and like he had promised Yixing all those years ago, he wanted to open it with him. They both had the same vision of what kind of place they wanted to own. Yixing had also managed to save some money of his own, and his parents had always said they would aid him the day he decided to stand on his own. So, the financial part of it was fixable. But what Yixing was afraid of was if they had to move back to Seoul. He didn’t want to even think of the possibility of Junmyeon encountering his horrible father, or mother. To his surprise, Kyungsoo had actually said he was tired of South Korea and would much rather take the challenge of opening the restaurant in a new country. And suddenly, Yixing’s dream would become true. Finally, he would reach the peak of his career and become the head chef, in cooperation which Kyungsoo, of course. He accepted the offer.

That was why a year later, in June, ‘Do’s and Zhang’s Kitchen’ had come to life.

But not everything turned out as they expected, Yixing and Kyungsoo realized that the first weeks after opening the restaurant. And Yixing would most often return home every night, tired, nervous, and anxious.

He would get in bed and lay on top of Junmyeon’s chest. Junmyeon would often hold him by his waist as he pampered his head with kisses. And he would ask him what was wrong, what worries he had because he didn’t want Yixing to go around carrying all that to himself.

“We only had twenty-five customers in the entire night,” had Yixing said dejectedly one time.

“That’s more than last month, right?” Junmyeon said, “Don’t give up my love, keep fighting, I know everything will get better soon.”

“I’m glad you’re by my side, Jun,” Yixing said.

Junmyeon would smile, and he would continue to encourage him, even if he was getting less sleep every night. That was how Junmyeon’s sweet nothings would motivate Yixing to not throw in the towel yet, to keep going. And as Yixing laid in Junmyeon’s arms, listening to his tender voice, he always thought that this was where he belonged.


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclosure**

“You’re late, as always.”

“I’m-I’m sorry…?” Junmyeon said both unsure and surprised while breathing heavily after running two blocks from the subway station. The only response Junmyeon had gotten from Kyungsoo after apologizing had been a mere huff. So, those four words made the first sentence Kyungsoo had directly uttered to him. Sure, Kyungsoo’s tone had been stern, but it was a step forward. Besides, once Junmyeon found out that Kyungsoo’s ex-fiancée had left him at the altar, he understood better the anger Kyungsoo held against him.

Kyungsoo rolled his eyes and said, “Well, get in here so we can eat already.”

Smiling, Junmyeon stepped inside. He put the bucket of roses and the gift on the hallway’s table. He took off his jacket and shoes. Today was Thursday, and it was Yixing’s thirtieth birthday. It was going to be an intimate celebration consisting of only Junmyeon, Luhan, Minseok, and Kyungsoo. Because they all had to work the next day and Kyungsoo was later going to the restaurant, they agreed, or well Luhan told Junmyeon, they’d meet there at four to eat together. However, Junmyeon’s research team had been called to an urgent meeting that prolonged his stay at work. Therefore, he had now arrived forty-five minutes late.

Junmyeon walked into the living room, and the first thing he glanced at was Yixing, who was sitting on the couch talking with Minseok. Yixing looked radiant, and Junmyeon couldn’t help but smile. He greeted everyone and proceed to congratulate Yixing. The blush on Yixing’s face after receiving the roses and the gift made Junmyeon inwardly jump. Then his heart skipped when Yixing briefly hugged him. What a pity, Junmyeon thought. He had wanted for Yixing’s embrace to last longer, so he could at least have had the time to raise his arms and hug him back. But it seemed Yixing was still unsure of how much displays of affection he and Junmyeon should have. And it was understandable, they had only agreed to retake their relationship four days ago. They hadn’t even been out on a date yet.

Afterward, the group walked to the dining room to eat the longevity noodles and buns Luhan had prepared. As everyone ate, they talked about and remembered how they had celebrated their thirtieth birthdays. Yixing was the last one in the group to reach that age. Junmyeon had been present at all the celebrations. And he was glad that he had been part of his friend’s anecdotes, even Kyungsoo had said his name once. However, what also saddened Junmyeon wasn’t the fact he heard his friends often say, ‘I remember that…’ because he couldn’t relate. No, it was the fact that Junmyeon had not celebrated his thirtieth birthday with them. His past self had left two weeks before his birthday. Actually, Yixing and the others had to cancel the plans they had made for him that day. Instead, Junmyeon knew he had celebrated it alone (Jongdae had said the old Junmyeon didn’t want to do anything). So, he felt saddened that he wasn’t part of their thing.

Why had he left? No matter how much Junmyeon tried to remember the answer, he couldn’t.

Once the group of friends had eaten all the food and wished for Yixing’s wellbeing, Kyungsoo was the one to leave first. Luhan and Minseok stayed behind, and Yixing opened their gifts. “What is that?” had Luhan said and then laughed after Yixing had unwrapped Junmyeon’s gift. It was a cheese board with tools in the shape of a piano. Junmyeon blushed, embarrassed, thinking that indeed his gift had been, as Luhan said it, ‘cheesy.’ But Yixing hit Luhan and defended the present by saying it was lovely and he liked it. Junmyeon could hear the honesty in Yixing’s words, so he smiled.

At half-past seven o’clock, Luhan and Minseok also left, finally leaving Junmyeon alone with Yixing. They talked for a while mainly about how their week had gone and whether Yixing was able to attend their official first date (for the third time) on Saturday. Thankfully, he could. Before leaving, Junmyeon offered to help Yixing tidy around the house. As he strode around vacuuming, he realized that Yixing had still not hung up their old pictures on the walls. He wanted to ask why but decided not to. His last task was to wash the dishes. While drying off his hands with a cloth, Junmyeon paid attention to the calendar hanging on the fridge. The calendar was marked on October eight. Tomorrow. Junmyeon put the cloth aside and walked forward to point at the encircled date.

“Yixing, why is your calendar marked here? Your birthday is today.”

Yixing looked up from his phone and strode to stand next to Junmyeon. “Ah that,” he said, and Junmyeon saw a sad smile on his lips. “It’s something else.”

“Can I know what?”

Yixing was momentarily caught off guard, but then he said, “It… It would have been our fifth-year anniversary tomorrow.”

“Oh,” Junmyeon said. He didn’t know that. In the short days that had passed since his apology, they hadn’t really talked much about their past together, mainly because of time. But Junmyeon wanted to know. “I see… Can you tell me how we used to celebrate it together?” he asked. And when he realized what it could cause he added, “If you feel like it of course! I wouldn’t want to be the reason to destroy your birthday.”

Yixing smiled, that smile that showed his beautiful deep dimples and gave Junmyeon ease. “Don’t worry, I don’t mind. And I still have your journals in the guestroom, do you want me to grab them?”

Now Junmyeon was taken aback. He had thought Yixing had gotten rid of those things. Nonetheless, he nodded. “Yeah, thank you. I’d really appreciated that.”

So, once again they sat in the living room, Yixing talking and Junmyeon listening while writing. Yixing began telling him how they celebrated their first year together and the ones after that. Sometimes work had come in their way, and they had to skip either Yixing’s birthday or their anniversary. But they did have a small ‘tradition.’ And it was that each October seventh they would lay in bed, holding one another as they waited for the clock to tick midnight, and October eight would be there. At the same time, they would wish each other a happy anniversary.

When Yixing had finished talking, they stayed in silence. Junmyeon saw Yixing smiling with a bit of sadness, that sadness in his eyes that didn’t merge well with his dimples. And seeing him like that for a while, hurt Junmyeon’s heart. The need to stop causing Yixing sorrow gave Junmyeon an idea. Rapidly, he scrolled through his phone and was glad to find out that if they’d leave now, they’d arrive there in time.

Junmyeon stood up and offered his hand to Yixing. “Come on, Yixing. We need to hurry up and catch a cab.”

Yixing looked at Junmyeon, perplexed. “What are you saying, Jun?”

“That we need to go now before they close.”

“Where?”

“It’s a surprise. But I think it’s sad that we break the tradition of waiting for October eight together… It’s a little hasty but, do you wanna go out on a date tonight? This way we’d welcome the new day together.”

Yixing blinked in surprise. “But it’s not even our anniversary anymore. And you have work tomorrow. Early.”

“Don’t you think it should still be? We may have lost five months together, but we can’t throw away five years. I know this might sound weird coming from me,” Junmyeon said, “I was the one who didn’t want to know anything about us and wanted to conceal that part of my life. But I’ve changed my mind. And I want to know everything. And create new memories with you… Besides what’s one night without eight hours sleep?”

Still amazed, Yixing nodded, and he grabbed Junmyeon’s hand. Junmyeon led them both to the entrance.

They arrived at Dashatou Wharf exactly fifteen minutes before the ship’s parting time at nine o’clock, the last ride of the night. And they were lucky enough to find some tickets on the second floor. The idea Junmyeon had gotten was for them to take the Pearl River night cruise. Ever since Junmyeon had seen the ships sailing through the river, he too wanted to experience that (even if he had probably done so before). And Yixing hadn’t minded his silly idea, he had smiled broadly when he realized where Junmyeon had taken them.

It was autumn, and a cold breeze hit their faces, but Yixing and Junmyeon still strode around the promenade deck until they found a spot they stayed at. Guangzhou’s skyline shone brightly in a variety of colors. From afar, they could see the majestic Canton Tower, whose façade was a mixture of turquoise, green and brown lights. Junmyeon subtly moved his hand on the railing until it was on top of Yixing’s hand.

When the ship neared the Panyu Bridge, Junmyeon spoke. “Did we ever take this cruise together?”

Yixing’s gaze shifted from the bridge to meet Junmyeon’s eyes. “We did,” he said, smiling, “The first time was a month after you moved here. The second time was actually when we had our second ‘first-date’ as a couple.”

Junmyeon’s eyes widened. Somehow, he had managed to rerun his and Yixing’s second first-date. And that notion brought him bliss because even if he didn’t remember that time anymore, he could remember this one. He cupped Yixing’s hand tighter. Instead of asking Yixing how that date had gone, he enquired what they had done on their first date ever, back when they were in high school. And Yixing told him how they had just gone to the movies, eaten at a fast-food restaurant, walked around Yeouido Hangang Park, and lastly sat near the riverbank, watching the skyline and holding hands in their special way.

Once Yixing had finished talking, he let out a chuckle.

“What is it?”

“Is that I just realized you and I seem to always get together in October,” Yixing said, “It happened back in high school, five years ago, and now this time.”

Junmyeon laughed too. “I guess October must be our month.”

“Yeah, it must be.”

They smiled at each other. And then Junmyeon asked Yixing if he could tell him more about their high school days like who confessed to who and those details of their relationship. Sure, Junmyeon didn’t have his journals, neither was he recording the conversation. But he knew he and Yixing had the rest of their lives to repeat those tales, and Yixing would most definitely not mind retelling them.

The Pearl River night cruise lasted one hour and twenty minutes, they still had time left until the next day. Now, with hands clasped, they got off the ship and wandered around the streets of Guangzhou. It might have been the late-night, but this part of the city was alive as ever. Suddenly, Yixing’s stomach growled. Blushing, Yixing apologized, but Junmyeon got another idea. He looked around the streets, searching for that one restaurant, and then he found it. Junmyeon grasped Yixing’s hand tighter and dragged him along.

“We should eat here, Yixing. Look! They’re serving stir-fried spicy crayfish, you love them.”

Once again that night Yixing looked at Junmyeon with bewildered eyes. “How do you know that?”

“Back in the hospital when you were making me company,” Junmyeon explained, “We were watching a cooking show. The chef was preparing something with crayfish, and you told me you loved eating them because their taste would always take you back home. Then, you told me why you wouldn’t have cooked them like that, and said what you would have done instead.”

Yixing was silent for a while. His mouth was agape, his eyes were glistening, and he was staring at Junmyeon. He seemed touched by Junmyeon’s words. “You remember that?”

“Of course, I do,” Junmyeon answered, smiling, “It was one of the first things I learned about you. How could I forget?”

The shock in Yixing’s face dissipated to be replaced with deep dimples and crescent eyes. He nodded and took the few steps to get inside the restaurant, dragging Junmyeon with him.

Not long after, they were sitting down, gazing at the glistening and vibrant red crayfish in front of them. It’s oozing aroma invaded their nostrils, and Junmyeon could feel his mouth watering. They each grabbed a crayfish and stared at one another, ready to bite it at the same time. Pepper and spiciness were just one of the few tastes Junmyeon could distinguish. It was delicious. His gaze shifted to see how Yixing was eating. Yixing had his eyes closed, and at some point, he let out a moan of pleasure while chugging. Junmyeon chuckled and then continued devouring the crayfish. The rest of their meal they spent it eating, drinking, and talking about things like why the taste of crayfish often made Yixing think about Changsha.

“I’m so stuffed,” Yixing said while rubbing his belly. The two had managed to eat all the food.

Junmyeon nodded, “You’re not the only one,” he said. They both erupted in laughter. Junmyeon reached out his hand to intertwine his and Yixing’s hand. Yixing smiled and grabbed it. “I hope you had a great night,” Junmyeon said.

“It was incredible. Thank you, Jun.”

Junmyeon grinned. With his free hand, he took out his phone and saw what time it was. Only half an hour left. Yixing stood up and said he’ll go to use the restroom. Junmyeon took the chance to pay the check despite knowing that Yixing had said they’d pay together. Tonight, Junmyeon wanted to be in charge of everything. As he was reading the receipt, he felt someone grabbing his shoulder.

“Junmyeon! What are you doing here?” asked an unknown deep voice.

A very tall man with blonde hair was standing next to him. He didn’t recognize him from anywhere, neither had anyone told him before who that man was. Unsure of what to say he decided to go with, “I’m sorry. I lost my memory, and I don’t remember who you are.”

The man’s eyes widened, and he stared at Junmyeon in disbelief. “What? You lost your memory?” he asked with concern in his voice.

Junmyeon nodded. He shortly explained what had happened two months ago. And when the man was ready to talk he was interrupted by Yixing.

“Yifan?” had Yixing asked. He stared at the other man in shock.

“You piece of shit,” the man named Yifan said with anger all over his face, “Don’t tell me you brainwashed Junmyeon to be with you again?”

Junmyeon didn’t like Yifan’s tone with Yixing. It was disrespectful. He stood up and was about to tell that Yifan to apologize, but Yixing beat him to it.

“What are you doing here?” Yixing said with the same disdain as Yifan. “And Jun is with me by his own choice. He chose to be with me again.”

Yifan leered. “Funny, because when I met him back in June, he had made up his mind to never see you again,” Yifan said while exchanging glances with Junmyeon and Yixing.

Instantly, Yixing’s anger disappeared to be replaced with fear and worry. “Wha-what? You and Junmyeon met?”

There was a malicious smirk on Yifan’s lips again. “Yeah, we did. We went out drinking and you know, spent the night together, just like in the old times, before your filthy lies ruined everything.”

“Are you saying you-you two...” Yixing said, voice trembling.

Yifan walked to stand in front of Yixing, lowered his head to meet Yixing’s face. “Well, consider it payback for everything you did.”

Yixing’s eyes glistened again that night. He stared at Yifan and then shifted his eyes to Junmyeon. And as their gazes met, Junmyeon knew Yixing was on the verge of tears. But Yixing didn’t utter anything. Instead, he turned around and bolted out of the restaurant.

Alarmed, Junmyeon got up from the booth and was ready to run after Yixing when Yifan grabbed his arm.

“Junmyeon, listen, you told me everything. And this isn’t what you wanted.”

“Let go of me!” Junmyeon said in horror, Yixing was running away from him.

“No, you shouldn’t be with him. You planned to… You said you didn’t want to-”

“Shut your mouth!” Junmyeon screamed. “I don’t know who the fuck you are but shut your mouth. You don’t know anything. Leave us alone!”

Junmyeon forcefully freed himself from Yifan’s grasp and ran, not caring that Yifan shouted his name to come back.

Once outside, Junmyeon’s eyes searched through the ocean of people, trying to find the one that mattered the most. He found it. Yixing was already on the other block. Swiftly, Junmyeon ran towards him. But Yixing was faster, and somehow his rambling had taken them away from the ruckus of the city.

“Yixing, Yixing wait!” Junmyeon yelled as he finally approached Yixing, but Yixing didn’t stop. It wasn’t until Junmyeon had caught up with him and grabbed his arm that Yixing stopped. “Yi-Yixing,” Junmyeon said breathlessly.

“Please, leave me alone Junmyeon,” Yixing said with a brittle voice.

“No! That man, he, how can we know he’s speaking the truth?”

Yixing’s hand turned into a fist, and he freed himself from Junmyeon’s hold to turn around. “I know it’s true because you two used to fuck each other whenever you wanted,” he said as tears rolled down his face.

“What?” Junmyeon asked. There was a tremor in his voice. This was the first time he heard about him and that man Yifan. Part of him didn’t want to know about it, he didn’t want to hear what kind of affairs his past self used to have. But Yixing didn’t know Junmyeon felt this, so he explained the meaning behind the words ‘just like in the old times.’ Junmyeon was in shock to hear that explanation, feeling some disgust and more disappointment for the old Junmyeon. But then he also realized what it meant. Not long after his and Yixing’s break-up, he had run into the arms of another man. How revolting. Was he so weak, he couldn’t stand a month without fucking? Junmyeon asked himself. He also thought about Luhan’s words, promises were made to be broken.

“Yixing I’m so so-”

“No! I don’t wanna hear you apologize. I can’t stand it! This isn’t your fault, and we had already broken up.”

“But that doesn’t mean I don’t have to. Yixing I’m really sorry, I-”

“Please keep quiet,” Yixing said, “Just tell me one thing, Junmyeon.”

“What?”

“What was more important to you that you had to throw away everything we had? That you felt the need to find comfort in the arms of someone else?”

It was the first time Yixing had directly asked Junmyeon something as if his memories were still there. And as Yixing stared at him with anxious eyes, for his sake Junmyeon tried to, he tried his best to find out why. But it was impossible. Everything was blank. His memories were gone.

“What Junmyeon? Tell me.”

“I don’t...”

“You don’t know,” Yixing said, and then he laughed, a wailing laugh. Junmyeon remained silent. He was silent as Yixing walked to sit on the entrance steps of a building. Junmyeon didn’t say anything as Yixing shed his last tears, tried to control his hiccups and regulate his breaths. When Yixing had finally calmed himself, he took in a deep breath. Nobody uttered a word for a while. Trifling city noises filled their poignant silence.

And then Yixing finally spoke. “You don’t need to apologize. Really, you don’t. What Yifan said was true. All that has happened is an atonement for my mistakes.”

“What?”

“There’s more to that story that you don’t know yet,” Yixing said. Yixing tapped the spot next to him for Junmyeon to come to sit. Junmyeon did it, and then Yixing spoke, and he found out more things he had no idea about. He found out how Yixing had once loved another man so much, it had almost cost them their friendship. Almost because in the end, Yixing had to get tremendously hurt for them to reconnect. He also learned that once Yixing had realized he loved Junmyeon, he did anything to get him back. Anything.

“So, yeah, I probably am the fucking liar you said I was that night,” Yixing uttered. He huffed, “I was never brave enough to admit it, I never apologized. But here you are, endlessly apologizing for things that are no longer your fault. And I had the nerve to demand why you hadn’t done it earlier. And I keep biasedly leaving out important things again, because honestly if we hadn’t encountered Yifan tonight, I would have never said a thing… I’m fucking horrible, aren’t I?”

Junmyeon didn’t say anything. He was still trying to process everything he had learned about Yixing, the Yixing he had once thought to be flawless. And Yixing was just quiet.

Then Yixing stood up. He walked down the few steps. “I’m sorry, Junmyeon. And you know what? You said I deserved better, but maybe it has always been you who does.” And with those words said, Yixing began walking away from Junmyeon once again that night.

Junmyeon took out his phone and pushed the button to light it up. It was thirty-nine minutes past midnight. He stood up and shouted, “It’s October eight.”

Yixing stopped.

“Are you really asking me to give up on you? On us?”

Yixing turned around. “No, I don’t want to. But didn’t you just hear everything I said?”

“So?”

“Aren’t you mad at me? Disappointed? Angry? What if you find out more wicked sides about me that you won’t like? And what if you end up leaving again? What if the real reason you left was because of me?”

Junmyeon realized something, and he smiled, he smiled so tenderly Yixing was taken aback. He strode to stand in front of Yixing. “I don’t want unattainable perfection Zhang Yixing, I want something tangible. Aren’t we both humans? You’ve lied, I’ve lied. You’ve hurt, I’ve hurt. And we’ll probably keep doing those stuff because that’s human nature,” he said, “I think we both need to realize that nobody’s fucking flawless in this world. Nobody. Not you nor me.”

Yixing smiled, it wasn’t his usual broad, dimpled smile, but a smile nonetheless. “When did you get this wise?”

Junmyeon blushed a tad. “I don’t know, but I know that I don’t want to leave you because of that. And you’re bound to find out new sides about me too. Things you’d probably not like. Things my past self did… Like that Yifan guy and me, or the real reason why I left. But I’d like to believe that you too won’t give up on us despite that… Right?” he asked.

“It does hurt to know that you and Yifan…” Yixing said, “But I knew you were going to apologize. And that was killing me much more because I was so ashamed of myself. Like I said, I was planning on never telling you anything.”

Yixing sighed and shook his head.

“So, I thought of running away before you would hurt less. But you caught up to me.”

Yixing raised his hand to cup one of Junmyeon’s cheeks.

“And here you are saying all of this. And I’m thankful because despite how horrible I am, even if it frightens me to know why you left if you’re willing to stay… Then I want to stay by your side too, Jun.”

Then Yixing did something Junmyeon hadn’t expected. He threw himself into Junmyeon arms and embraced him in a hug. This time, Junmyeon had time to raise his arms and hold Yixing too. Yixing rested his head on top of Junmyeon’s shoulder, and Junmyeon inhaled his scent, finding comfort in the way their bodies fit together.

“This wasn’t exactly the night I had in mind, but happy anniversary Yixing.”

Yixing let out a small chuckle. “Happy anniversary, Jun.”


	12. Chapter 12

**The vanished memories VI**

_Ten months earlier_   
  


“I’m telling you, next year I’m repaying you for this.”

Smiling, Junmyeon unlocked the door to their apartment. “And I already said there’s no need for that. I love your present.”

“Jun, it was just a picture. And a frame,” Yixing said, rolling his eyes.

Junmyeon grabbed Yixing’s hand to stop him from crossing the threshold. His lips found Yixing’s lips instantly, kissing him tenderly. “And the most beautiful words. I’m serious, I loved it… I love you.”

A faint blush appeared on Yixing’s cheeks, and he diverted his gaze from Junmyeon. “I love you too, but you’re just too kind to admit it sucked.”

While shaking his head and grinning, Junmyeon walked inside the apartment. After spending a week in Japan, they had finally returned home from their vacation. It was the evening, and both were tired from the flight. Unpacking could wait. So, they dropped their suitcases in the hallway and went straight to lay on their comfortable bed. Once in Yixing’s arms, Junmyeon fell into a slumber.

But not even two hours later Junmyeon’s sleep was disturbed by the sound of his phone. He blinked, trying to adapt to the screen’s light. Sehun had called again, and it was then Junmyeon remembered that Sehun had messaged earlier, saying he needed to talk urgently. Junmyeon turned to see Yixing and fortunately, Yixing was still sound asleep. To not disturb his fiancé, he silently left the room.

Junmyeon walked into the living room but decided to go out to the terrace. It was night time now. The mild January weather was pleasant compared to Hokkaido’s freezing cold. Not wanting to lose himself in the new memories of his and Yixing’s trip, Junmyeon took out his phone and nervously called Sehun back. After two beeps, Sehun answered.

“Junmyeon.”

“Sehun,” Junmyeon said, “What’s the matter? Oh god, don’t tell me something happened to your wife, or is it the baby-”

“No, no. We’re all doing fine is just that…” Sehun sighed, “You know what? Te-tell me about your vacation first.”

Junmyeon felt relieved that neither Sehun, his wife nor the child she was bearing was in danger. But through the sound of his voice, Junmyeon noted that his cousin was anxious, afraid. Despite his doubts and many questions, Junmyeon tried to ease Sehun’s apprehension. He told him about Hokkaido, the ski resort, the Japanese food, and everything else that had occurred in the seven wonderful days he spent with Yixing. Sehun had calmed down while listening, but once Junmyeon had finished and asked him what was going on, Sehun’s nervousness returned. Sehun had difficulty finding words for whatever he was trying to say, and Junmyeon was starting to freak out too.

“Dad was in Seoul last month. He met-” Sehun said but stopped midways to breathe out.

“Is uncle all right? Is it his health?”

“No, dad’s okay. Junmyeon it’s-I…”

“Sehun, you’re worrying me. Just tell me what’s going on. Please.”

Sehun sighed again. “I-I need to tell you something important. But my physician and everyone else thinks I should let an expert deliver this to you… I’m not apt to say anything.”

The silence that followed was unbearable. Junmyeon tried to patiently wait for whatever Sehun was going to say, but his mind was coming up with all kinds of scenarios that didn’t help at all.

“But oh my god, Junmyeon, I can’t take it anymore. It’s been killing me, and you also need to know, even if-if I might be about to disrupt your entire life.”

“Sehun, now I’m scared. Tell me, what’s wrong?”

“Junmyeon, our family has… Our family has familial ALS.”

That was not a scenario Junmyeon had thought of. He gripped his phone tighter, his eyes widened, and his mouth fell open. ALS. It had been decades since he had last heard those three letters, but he still remembered them by heart: Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis. The wheelchair. The hospital bed. The tears. The tubes sticking out from her. The muteness. The tears. The skeleton-like body. The countless tears.

The flashbacks had entered Junmyeon’s mind in what felt like milliseconds. From an early age, he had learned that ALS was one of the most fatal and incurable diseases. His eyes had witnessed how the sickness had rapidly taken away Sehun’s mother, reducing her existence to laying lifelessly on a bed, until one day, she simply didn’t wake up.

“What?” Junmyeon asked, breaking the quietness that had fallen.

“Dad told me,” Sehun said and then explained everything.

Years ago, Sehun’s father had moved from Seoul, but each year, on December 18, he would return to visit his wife’s grave on her birthday. As he was leaving the cemetery, Mr. Oh encountered the wife of his former brother-in-law, Junmyeon, and Sehun’s blood-related uncle. They hadn’t seen each other since Junmyeon had been thrown out of his house. The Kim family had decided to exclude Junmyeon and everyone who helped him, including Sehun and him, from their lives. So, they talked for a while, catching up with everything that had occurred in the last years. It was then that she told him that her husband had died of ALS six months ago. Three years ago, Sehun’s and Junmyeon’s uncle had been diagnosed with ALS. And because he was the second person in the Kim family to suffer the illness, he decided to conduct a genetic test. The results came back positive, and the doctors found out that he carried a mutation in the SOD1-gene. It was this mutation that had caused his ALS.

When Sehun’s mother had been diagnosed with ALS, they had ruled out the fact that it could be genetical. Nobody in the family was suffering it, so it was thought to be a case of sporadic ALS. However, now that it was confirmed to be a case of familial ALS, it ran in the family. Some members of the Kim family decided to carry out a presymptomatic genetic test, a test that through a blood sample analyzed a person’s DNA and found mutations in the SOD1-gene. Sehun’s and Junmyeon’s grandmother tested negative, and it was then presumed that it was their grandfather, who had died of a heart attack long ago, that was the original carrier of the mutation.

To summarize it, the Kim family knew for three years that a mutation that caused ALS ran in the family. But nobody, nobody had bothered to tell Junmyeon or Sehun about the deadly matter.

The fear of losing his son to the same horrible illness was what forced Mr. Oh to beg Sehun to do a presymptomatic genetic test. And that was the next thing Sehun had done after his father had called him, even if his physician and genetics counselor, had advised Sehun to carefully think about. Now Sehun had to wait around two months until his results came back. The uncertainty was pure despair.

“It’s been hell, Junmyeon. Because my mom had ALS, there’s a fifty percent chance I have that mutation. I might get ALS. But the worst part is that I cannot bear the thought of knowing I might pass that fucking disease to my daughter.”

Junmyeon could hear Sehun crying on the other end. He was speechless, not only because of the kind of family they had but because Sehun was at risk of following the same fate as his mother. He couldn’t imagine Sehun bedridden, so skinny it was frightening, not able to talk or eat, miserable for months, until one day he just died. He couldn’t imagine that, and neither could he imagine himself.

“The genetics counselor says a positive test doesn’t guarantee I’ll get sick. But damn it, my mom had it, uncle had it, they think cousin Haemin might be developing it too. This fucking family is cursed.”

Junmyeon let Sehun cry some more, he didn’t know what to say to bring him peace. Only the results of that test had that power. But Junmyeon needed to clear one doubt that was slowly sinking him in fear. So, he asked, “Sehun, do-does my so-called father, have it too?”

“I’m so sorry, I don’t know. That man, he, he never did the test. He didn’t want to know. But Junmyeon, I think you should do it. I’m sorry for burdening you with this but what if…? You might also be at risk.”

If his father wasn’t carrying that mutation, Junmyeon was safe. There was nothing to make a fuss about. So, Junmyeon could let fate decide for him and tell him whether he had the faulty gene or not. Could he live peacefully without knowing?

“It’s okay Sehun. Thank you, thank you for telling me this.”

“I’m so sorry,” Sehun said before he hung up the phone.

Junmyeon stared into the distant skyline. His heart pounded, his hands were sweaty, and his brain couldn’t stop torturing him with the memories of his aunt dying in a hospital bed, breathing through a tube connected to a machine, unable to console her crying eleven-year-old son. Two years, his aunt had only survived for two years. And his uncle had pulled through three years. How long was the survival rate? He held up his phone again and tapped it down in the search browser. ALS. Fatal degenerative neurological condition. Muscle weakness. Limb paralysis. Dysphagia. Feeding tube. Two to five years. No possible cure.

No possible cure, two to five years, Junmyeon read over and over. Most of what he had read he already knew about, he had seen it happening with his aunt. Still, it frightened him to the core. He wouldn’t leave peacefully without knowing, not when this whole bomb could explode any minute and destroy his life. Junmyeon needed to know, he needed to carry out that genetic test. Even if the outcome could be disastrous news, he had to do it because it was the only way he could put his heart at ease.

“There you are,” Yixing said as he embraced Junmyeon in a back hug.

Scared, Junmyeon jumped and dropped his phone. He hadn’t even heard Yixing approaching. And when he turned around to meet Yixing, Yixing must have seen the state he was at.

“Jun, what’s the matter? Did something happen?”

Should he tell him? Should he worry Yixing by telling him he had a fifty percent chance to develop a fatal illness? He looked at Yixing’s concerned eyes and made his choice. “It’s nothing, Xing… Just, Sehun. You know, freaking out about being a dad soon.” He smiled, hoping that Yixing would buy it. Apparently, he did. Yixing chuckled.

“He’s got nothing to worry about. He’s gonna be a great dad!”

“Yeah, that’s what I said.”

“And you’re gonna be just as great,” Yixing said, smiling as he leaned in to hug Junmyeon again.

Junmyeon raised his arms to hold Yixing. “You too.”

* * *

Later that week Junmyeon had an appointment with his doctor. He told him everything he knew about his familial ALS and the many concerns he had. In the end, the doctor arranged a meeting with a genetics counselor for Junmyeon.

Nine days after having that phone call with Sehun, Junmyeon finally met with the genetics counselor to discuss the issues regarding familial ALS and the presymptomatic genetic testing.

First, the genetics counselor and Junmyeon revised his medical history and his family history of ALS. Then, she went on to explain what familial ALS was.

Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis was a progressive neurodegenerative disorder that affected motor neurons. These nerve cells were found in the brain and in the spinal cord and were responsible for controlling voluntary muscle movement. ALS caused the motor neurons to die over time, which led to muscle weakness, loss of muscle mass, and later the inability to control movement.

The genetics counselor only gave a brief overview of ALS. She said it was too soon to discuss thoroughly the ALS’s symptoms development or available treatments. Nothing was confirmed yet, and she didn’t want to worry Junmyeon. But Junmyeon already knew the horrible fate that awaited.

In most cases people suffered sporadic ALS, they got affected despite lacking a history of the disorder in the family. Around five to ten percent of ALS cases were familial, that was that more than one person in the family was affected. In familial ALS, it was a genetic mutation that caused the disease and could be inherited, depending on which type of gene was affected. In Junmyeon’s case, it was a mutation found in the Superoxide dismutase 1 (SOD1) gene, according to what Sehun had said.

Usually, a SOD1 mutation had an autosomal dominant inheritance pattern. In simple words, every child got a gene from each parent. If a defective gene was dominant, it was only necessary to have one copy of the gene to inherit the illness. So, the probabilities were that if one parent carried a mutated gene, two out of its four children would be affected too, since the other two will inherit the normal gene. That was why there was a fifty percent chance that Junmyeon might have the mutated gene.

ALS caused by mutations in SOD1, just like any type of ALS, had a wide variation when it came to the age of onset, how severe the illness was, which symptoms developed first, the rate of progression and duration. It was impossible to predict when one should start developing the sickness.

However, if the genetic testing’s results came back, and Junmyeon indeed had a mutation in SOD1, it didn’t mean he would develop ALS. The onset of the sickness was highly unpredictable, each case was unique, and in some cases, the symptoms never appeared. So, a positive test didn’t equal a diagnosis of ALS.

And for a moment, it had been soothing to hear that. For a moment. Because just like Sehun had said it, their family was cursed. Two people had already suffered the inevitable, and one more was on their way. What were the chances that Junmyeon, if he tested positive, wouldn’t follow the same path? There was just as much chance he’ll get ALS just as he wouldn’t. Nothing guaranteed his safety.

In the last part of their session, the genetics counselor explained more about presymptomatic genetic testing, how it worked to identify a SOD-1 gene and the consequences of learning the result. Proceeding with genetic testing could change Junmyeon’s life. The emotional and psychological impact could be devastating. She really tried to show him which cons and pros carrying out that genetic testing would bring.

In the end, Junmyeon decided to go on with the genetic testing, no matter how much it cost, how long it took, or what results came back. Junmyeon needed to know. So, they agreed to that.

Thus, began Junmyeon’s two unbearable waiting months.

The genetics counselor had advised Junmyeon to talk to someone close to him, a family member, a partner, or a friend that could be a supportive figure during this time. Junmyeon didn’t want to bother Yixing nor anyone else. He was strong enough to cope with it alone, why should he worry his fiancé and friends with something like that? What if the results came back negative and he had put someone through the pain in vain?

The only person he could talk to was his cousin, Sehun. But, even so, Junmyeon didn’t want to burden Sehun with his own fears and worries. Sehun was going through the same as him, and he realized Sehun was probably feeling worse than himself.

He could be strong.

Despite the shock and apprehension that were in the shadows, most days Junmyeon tried to think positively. He told himself that everything would turn out fine. He was going to test negative and would live a healthy life after that. It would be all right. He and Yixing would be okay. He tried to push away the fears and doubts by constantly thinking that everything would turn out fine. Everything had to turn out fine.

However, his nervousness didn’t pass unnoticed by Yixing. Lots of times Yixing had asked him what was going on with him. Lots of times Junmyeon had the chance to tell him everything. Lots of times Junmyeon had lied and put the blame on work and how their research was facing complications. Even in the future time, he would have lots of chances to come clean. But Junmyeon kept hiding it, every single time because he would only tell Yixing everything once the situation was confirmed to be fine.

And Yixing’s hugs and words of encouragement were always recomforting. As Junmyeon inhaled Yixing’s scent, held him tightly, and listened, he always thought about how much he loved him. He always thought of how lucky they were to be together. Of how happy they made each other, even if they sometimes fought. Of how life together was complete. And Junmyeon always wished that whenever those results came back, it would be fine.

In February one of Junmyeon’s worries was taken off his shoulders. Sehun called him. His test results were negative, Sehun didn’t carry a mutated SOD1-gene and neither would his children. Junmyeon was happy, relieved to hear a crying Sehun deliver the good news. He could have never imagined Sehun going through life with ALS. But some deep, dark part of Junmyeon had felt jealous, jealous that it hadn’t been him who got that news first. Rapidly, he shut down that inner thought.

The day Junmyeon had been waiting for finally arrived in March. The genetics counselor called. His results came back. She recommended him to bring a close family member with him, but Junmyeon still hadn’t said anything to Yixing. So, he arrived that afternoon at the clinic all by himself, with a fast-beating heart, sweaty palms, and his mind repeating his mantra that everything would be fine.

Now Junmyeon sat in her office room anxiously listening to what she had to say.

“How are you feeling today, Junmyeon?” she asked the first question.

Junmyeon was impatient and just wanted her to go straight to the point, but he still well-mannered replied to her questions. They talked some more about how Junmyeon had been feeling, what he thought about the whole situation, and if he felt prepared to listen. Again, Junmyeon had masked his worse fears and said these past months had been hard but bearable.

Until finally she said, “Junmyeon, I have in my hand the results of your genetic testing. I just want to make sure this is information you still want to know about.”

Effusively, Junmyeon nodded. Of course, he wanted to know. It was the only thing he had thought about ever since. “It is. Really, I’m sure of it.”

The genetics counselor nodded too. “Junmyeon, I’m sorry, but the test results are not what you were hoping for. The results came back positive for a SOD1 mutation.”

And then everything changed. Junmyeon gasped. He stared at her directly in the eyes but didn’t utter a sentence. He didn’t cry, scream, curse, or break down. Not yet. He was just quiet until he said one word. “What?”

And then she began explaining the results and how they found out that Junmyeon had a mutated SOD1-gene. The whole talk then shifted to ALS. And she tried to put emphasis that this wasn’t a diagnosis of ALS, only that he carried a defective gene mutation, prone to cause ALS. But even if Junmyeon were to develop the illness, she told him more about the condition, diagnosis, treatment, prognosis, and support.

Junmyeon listened attentively, he did. He asked questions when he needed to, he tried to remain calm through the rest of the conversation. Once the talk was finished, the genetics counselor scheduled another meeting for them in which they’ll discuss more Junmyeon’s well-being and doubts.

As Junmyeon walked out from the clinic and a fresh spring breeze hit his face, he felt his cheeks getting damp.

Everything wasn’t fine. Everything wouldn’t be fine.

* * *

What would he do if he tested positive?

During the waiting time, Junmyeon hadn’t even thought about that question. He had wanted to believe he didn’t have to think about it. Now though, in the aftermath, he had a different question in mind. Constantly.

What would he do when he got ALS?

There wasn’t an ‘if’ this time. Junmyeon believed he would get ALS one day. He knew the sickness will crawl unheard, unseen, and unwanted to destroy him. It was his inevitable fate, just like it had been for his aunt, uncle, and now, cousin.

But whenever Junmyeon would see Yixing smile, would hear him say ‘I love you, Jun,’ or would kiss, hold, and treasure him, he felt for a moment that everything would be all right for them. That in the future he and Yixing would be married with children he’d love unconditionally, living in some suburban house in Guangzhou, where he’d see those children grow up, make mistakes, fall in love. And finally, it would become the place where he and Yixing would grow old together. He wanted to believe they had this future together.

That dear envision was always shattered by the cruel fate that would come. Unavoidable suffering, that was his real future. And he was afraid. His own mind would come up with those thoughts. Thoughts that not even while sleeping he could avoid. It was a disheartening nightmare. One day he would trip while walking, and slowly it would get worse until he wouldn’t be able to control his leg movements, and lastly, he would end up in a wheelchair. Or maybe it would start with him being unable to buttoning his clothes, or unlocking the door because his arms would be too weak to do such a trivial thing. Or maybe the disease would prefer to start by taking his voice, making him unable to talk, swallow and eat, until he became a living skeleton. And all those scenarios and nightmares ended with him breathing through that thick tube, unable to move, to talk, and bedridden until his lungs would give up and he’ll simply die. And who was there to witness the decay of his soul and body? Yixing. Yixing was there, suffering just as much or maybe even worse than him.

Junmyeon thought about the question daily. He had heard, seen, and listened to everything related to ALS. During the talks with the genetics counselor or doctors, his research on the internet, him visiting patients with ALS, he knew what options he had when he developed the sickness. He took the time to weigh his options.

He thought about his and Yixing’s relationship. They had been through so much together. Falling in love in their youth. Meeting again. Recovering what they had lost. It had been the most wonderful five years of his life. They were going to get married next year. And Junmyeon loved Yixing so much, so much that he was willing to set him free from the hell that would come for him. None would ever love Yixing as he did, but none would ever hurt him as he would.

What would he do when he got ALS?

After careful meditation, Junmyeon had come up with his final answer.

The person who got to hear the answer was Sehun. Junmyeon called him, one night in May when he was entirely sure of what he was doing. It was the night that changed everything. The new apartment was ready. After Yixing had left for work, Junmyeon had rapidly packed his clothes and belongings in moving boxes that the moving company had already taken to his new house.

Right now, Junmyeon stood on the terrace, watching the skyline one last time. He took out his phone and dialed.

“Junmyeon.”

“Sehun, I’m about to do something horrible. But you must promise me you won’t say anything. You’ll be one of the persons Yixing will ask why, and you’ll know why. But promise me you won’t tell him why.”

“What do you mean Junmyeon? You’re scaring me. Have you still not talk to Yixing about your test results?”

“Sehun, promise me you won’t say anything, and I’ll explain.”

“Junmyeon what-”

“Promise me.”

He could hear Sehun sighing on the other end. “Okay, I’ll promise you, I won’t say anything.”

So, Junmyeon explained his two months journey, learning everything about ALS. After so much thought, he decided he didn’t want to suffer ALS and its fatal symptoms. And he won’t be suffering from ALS. Of course, there was only one way to avoid it. He’ll wait for a while after his diagnosis, but before he lost the ability to walk, then he’ll do it. Euthanasia was illegal, so Junmyeon had to do it himself.

“Oh my god, Junmyeon what are you thinking? You are not even sick yet, and you don’t know if you’ll get sick. You’re too hasty. I-I know you’re afraid of dying, I was there too. But oh my god. That’s… That’s…”

“You said it yourself Sehun, this family is cursed. And now I’m cursed. Sehun, I’m not afraid of dying, I just don’t want to suffer that horrible sickness. I don’t want to lose the ability to walk, breathe, move my arms, and talk and eat. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life bedridden. And I don’t want a fucking tube sticking out my neck. That is no life. At all. You know it.”

Sehun fell into silence. The only sound he emitted was heavy breathings.

“I don’t want the pain. I don’t want to suffer. And I don’t want anyone I love to see me suffering.”

Then Junmyeon said what he was about to do that night. He will leave Yixing without an explanation. He will leave everything and everyone behind. He will make sure that Yixing stayed away from him. And next year, when his research project will come to an end, he’ll move back to Seoul, where he’d never see Yixing again in his life. He knew it would break Yixing’s heart, and that it’ll probably destroy him just as much as it would destroy Junmyeon to be without him. But later that suffering would turn into hate, and Junmyeon felt that hate was a far better companion than sorrow, especially the pain caused by seeing the one you love die. And then one day, Yixing would be loved again, and he would love someone too. Knowing this, even if it would no longer be him, gave Junmyeon some ease.

“How can you do this to him? For god’s sake Junmyeon, how can you keep this a secret from him? This is important! Don’t you love him? You can’t leave him out of this. He’d be there for you, I know that. He loves you, he deserves to know the truth.”

“Of course, I love him. And it’s because I love him I don’t want to keep fooling him with a forever that doesn’t exist. Yes, he’d be there with me when I get sick. But do you have any idea how painful it’d be for him? Do you remember how you felt when you saw your mother die before your eyes? And when I tell him what I’m planning to do to avoid it, that would be much worse.”

They had been together for a long time. Junmyeon knew Yixing inside out. He knew that Yixing wouldn’t accept that Junmyeon killed himself to avoid ALS. He’ll say that his life was a treasure, no matter the circumstances, he’ll ask why Junmyeon was being selfish and couldn’t think about the repercussions of his suicide. Yixing will probably try to persuade him to change his mind, but Junmyeon couldn’t imagine how much pain he’ll cause him when he said that he will never change his mind about it. Of course, there was a small possibility that Yixing might agree to his decision. But neither did Junmyeon want Yixing to be the one who found his dead cold body after his wrists bled to death or his body OD’d on some medicines or whatever way he decided to end his life with. He didn’t want to burden Yixing which such imagines. He didn’t want any of that. Yixing would be better off without knowing why.

“Sehun, you have always been like a little brother to me, and I love you. I’m so sorry for telling you this. But please, promise you won’t tell anyone about this. None. Not even Yixing. They would never understand it the way you do. So, promise me that… And that you’ll respect my choice when the time comes.”

Sehun whimpered. “I love you too, Junmyeon. This is so fucked up, but seeing mom go through that and everything… If this is what you want, then I respect it. And I won’t say anything.”

When the phone call ended, Junmyeon saw the time. There was almost an hour left until Yixing’s return. He had to go now.

Junmyeon walked back inside the apartment. He strode around. He looked at the piano Yixing would play in the mornings. He looked at the pictures that hung on the walls, and thought of how and when they had taken them. He looked at the bedroom they had lived, at the bed in which they had made love countless times. He looked at the curtains that once had made them fight because Yixing liked bright colors and Junmyeon preferred pastel ones. He looked at the dinner table they had shared many meals, remembering their daily talks about anything. He looked at the kitchen and thought of how Yixing would sometimes make them dance while they cooked. He smiled at all the reminiscences.

His time with Yixing was ending, and Junmyeon just wanted to look at everything and remember it. As the years pass by, the only thing he’ll have left of Yixing will be the memories. Memories he wanted to treasure with all his heart. He’ll look back at his life one day and think, once, he had been happy, he had been loved, he had loved.

There were thirty minutes left now. Junmyeon grabbed a notepad and a pen from one of the kitchen drawers. How could he do this? He was about to throw the best thing that had ever happened in his life, the most amazing person he could ever love and be loved by, his one and only soulmate. Junmyeon tried to hold in his tears, but it was impossible. They poured down desperately, and in his solitude, they would keep falling in the upcoming three months. With all his strength, he wrote the only two sentences he could come up with.

‘I’m sorry, Yixing. I can’t do this anymore.’

But every written letter had given him a stabbing pain in his heart. He tore the paper and put it on the kitchen counter. Junmyeon held up his hand. The golden ring shone brightly. He took it off and placed it on top of the note. His hand felt empty, bare without the ring.

He walked to stand under the door frame, glancing one last time at the place he had once called home. His hand moved to caress his lips, remembering the last kiss Yixing’s lips had given him just hours ago, and the last time he had uttered, ‘I love you, Jun.’

“I love you, Xing. I really do. I’m sorry.”

Then, Junmyeon closed the door. He left as a part of his heart shattered with every step he took, and the tears kept falling unrestrained.


	13. Chapter 13

**Rekindling**

“The view is amazing,” Junmyeon said. He raised a hand to touch the glass panel, tracing it with his fingers.

“Yeah, it is.”

Junmyeon could only stare with fascination at the skyline below them. In the distance, the sun shone amid the November hazy sky, yet Canton Tower truly had a fantastic view. He could see everything: the miscellaneous buildings and the one he was certain was his apartment complex, the tiny cars moving here and there, and the glistening Pearl River. From the above, it was easy to see how the river ramified and divided the city into different parts. Though, Junmyeon still preferred seeing it flow from the railings than from above.

He was too absorbed in the skyline; he didn’t realize that when he aimlessly dragged his hand across the glass surface, it would collide with Yixing’s hand. Junmyeon drew closer as he grabbed Yixing’s hand. He turned his head to the right to see Yixing just as Yixing followed suit to meet his gaze.

Just like the times before, the quick pound in his chest made its presence. Junmyeon wanted to kiss Yixing, give him the perfect third-time-first-kiss. He was nervous, though. He couldn’t remember what it was to kiss someone, what it felt like to caress someone’s lips. What if he was terrible at it? Could that be the reason why Yixing hadn’t initiated the first move?

No, it couldn’t be it.

They were together now, boyfriends actually. They had been on four or five dates now, but that didn’t count the times Junmyeon went to visit Yixing at the restaurant. Yet the only displays of affections so far had been kisses on the cheeks, hugs, and holding hands. A kiss was bound to happen at some point. Junmyeon had wanted it to happen, and there had been moments like this in which the kiss would have occurred. But neither had taken the first step. Junmyeon due to his nervousness and idea for it to be perfect. He also thought Yixing would be the one to kiss him first since he loved him. However, Yixing hadn’t and Junmyeon guessed was because Yixing cautiously wanted to protect his heart. And that was a valid choice, getting heartbroken thrice by the same person wasn’t exactly what somebody wished for. He guessed Yixing wanted him to be the one to do it. And even if Junmyeon wasn’t there yet and couldn’t confidently say he loved Yixing, he knew he was in love with Yixing, and he wanted them to kiss.

Maybe right now was the moment for it as their eyes stared at one another rather than Guangzhou’s skyline. They were also alone in this part of the tower. Confidence, Junmyeon tried to gather the most confidence to do it, no matter if it turned out to be a disaster. And he would have done it if it weren’t for the phone that rang in his pocket. Like that, the moment ended, and Junmyeon walked away to answer. It was Jongdae, telling him that their meeting in the morning had been pushed over an hour later.

When he hung up the phone, he caught Yixing staring outside again. Junmyeon grabbed the Polaroid camera that hung around his neck and took a picture of Yixing. Had they been on the rooftop then the picture would have been more perfect, more detailed, but even the one he took now, with Yixing’s back facing him, the many glass panels separated by diagonal iron bars and the faint skyline, was seamless.

Junmyeon had taken a liking for taken pictures recently. Using an instant camera was efficient and quick because then he could directly glue the results in his journals. He wanted to capture every special moment, be it in words or images. A book of memories, his book of new memories, that was what he wanted to create with the journals and pictures. But Junmyeon also had three framed photographs that hung on the walls back at the apartment. Yixing hadn’t mind taken part of his new hobby. In all three photos, he had been with Yixing. One in which he had gone to eat at Yixing’s restaurant for the second time and Yixing had eaten with him. The second picture was taken at a picnic in Yuexiu Park, where Junmyeon had cooked all the food. He had blushed when Yixing said everything tasted good. And the last photo was from when Yixing played a piano piece for him, and sparse sunbeams lightened his frame. Why had he decided to hang on the walls those pictures? Junmyeon didn’t know. Maybe because it was during moments like those, he felt that he wanted to always be by Yixing’s side.

“Do I take one of you too, Jun?”

Carefully, he put the Polaroid shot in his coat pocket. Junmyeon strode to stand next to Yixing. “I think I prefer one of us.” He smiled. They turned around, so the skyline was behind them. Junmyeon raised the instant camera, pointing its lenses in their direction, and counted to three. They were both smiling in the photograph as the afternoon sky turned into dusk.

“Should I take you back home?”

Junmyeon nodded. He might have missed the chance to a perfect kiss, but today’s experience had still been rewarding.

The drive back home was tranquil, a little slow due to the Sunday evening traffic. Sometimes they spoke, other times they were quiet but not in awkward silence, more like a comforting one in which they just enjoyed the company. And then Yixing asked one question. A difficult question.

“When do you plan to drive again, Jun?”

Junmyeon gulped. “Why? Are you tired of driving us around? You know, I don’t mind paying for a taxi, or-”

“No, I’m not trying to pressure you or anything. I’m just worried you’re not getting proper sleep. I know it takes you a long time to go to work now, you have to take the subway and a bus. You also live further from the restaurant. It worries me.”

Those words formed a smile on Junmyeon’s lips. Yixing truly cared about him, he cared and worried for him. He felt elated, lucky, but at the same time a little anxious. It was true it took a long time to go to work now, and driving would facilitate things for him. His car had been ready for some weeks. And he did remember how to drive, but Junmyeon was still unsure. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. My car is in the garage, the contusion in my brain has healed fine, and the doctor said I was fit to drive again, but…”

“What?”

“Somehow when I sit in the car I get this feeling like, like the accident was my fault... And I’m afraid to cause another one, and well, face the aftermath.”

Yixing laughed a little. “That’s not possible, Jun. The police said the other driver had fallen asleep. How could it be your fault?”

“That might be true. But… If you saw someone coming towards you now, in front of us, wouldn’t you even at least try to turn away? To the other side of the road?”

Yixing gasped a little. They reached a red light, and Yixing slowed down the vehicle. He turned to face Junmyeon and grabbed Junmyeon’s left hand. “Maybe you didn’t have somewhere to turn. Maybe it all just happened way too fast. You know, in cases like that, it’s almost impossible to react or think quickly. It’s not your fault.” He gave Junmyeon a reassuring smile and squeeze.

Junmyeon smiled back. “Yeah, maybe,” he said but wasn’t entirely convinced about it.

Sometime later, they arrived at Junmyeon’s apartment building. Junmyeon removed his seatbelt. He didn’t want to part ways yet; he enjoyed spending time with Yixing.

“Do you wanna eat dinner with me Yixing? I haven’t prepared it yet, but you could help me.” There was a rosy color on his cheeks.

“Depends on what you’re making.”

“Oh,” Junmyeon said a bit dejected, maybe Yixing wasn’t eager to spend the rest of the day with him as he was. After all, they had almost been together the whole afternoon. What could he say to make him stay?

Yixing chuckled. “I’m just kidding Jun. You could offer me a glass of water, and I’d still say yes. Go up, I’ll find a parking spot somewhere.”

He nodded and proceeded to go his way. What Junmyeon had in mind to cook was Kimchi stew. He enjoyed Chinese food, but when he cooked it, it didn’t have the same taste as when Yixing prepared it. Maybe it was Yixing’s food that he loved. Either way, Junmyeon preferred to use Korean cuisine when he was alone.

Once Junmyeon was inside his apartment, he started to take out and prepare the ingredients they would need. Just as he had finished arranging everything the doorbell rang. He walked over to the entrance, opened the door, and let Yixing step inside. They walked together to the kitchen.

“Oh! What have you done there?” Yixing asked and stopped to point at one large frame that hung in the living room. He walked closer, looking bewildered.

Yixing was talking about the compressed pepero boxes, with their borders stacked on top of each other in a frame. It had been an impulse Junmyeon had gotten yesterday. He had bought the frame that came with the picture of some black and white landscape. However, Junmyeon didn’t quite like it, it didn’t go well with his living room. Then, he thought of the empty boxes and their multicolored packages. That was the missing puzzle bit. So, he chose a couple of them, flattened them, and put them together on the frame. Now, he was a bit embarrassed, though, and Yixing would probably find his idea ridiculous.

“I-I thought it would give this place a nice touch… Now it kinda seems ridiculous.”

A dimple smiled appeared on Yixing’s face. “No! Not at all! I love it, it looks colorful, pretty, and unique.”

“Thanks,” Junmyeon said. He chuckled, Yixing joined him too.

“Did you buy them? I could have given you some, you know. I still have like two dozen left.”

Of course, he did. Junmyeon had only found out later that Yixing didn’t really eat candies. He shook his head. “No, those are the ones you gave me twelve years ago.”

Yixing’s eyes widened as he gasped a little. ‘Why is he shocked? Did I say something wrong?’ Junmyeon thought. He could see how Yixing’s eyes turn a bit glossier with every second the silence settled between them.

“Is something wrong, Yixing?” Junmyeon asked at last.

“You-you kept those?”

“Yeah, my old self did. I found them that day we cleaned this place, or in better words, the old dumpster.” Junmyeon was glad to say his apartment was habitable now, a home. And he tried his best to keep it clean, although sometimes he let it slip. But he would never let it become what it used to be.

The uneasiness Yixing had felt gradually dissipated. “I thought you, or well the you from three months ago, had thrown away everything… That maybe it didn’t mean anything for you.”

“Well, now you know it did. And actually, there are a lot of other things he, and I kept. I think everything from our previous relationship.”

Yixing sighed. “I don’t understand. Why would you do that when you… You had done everything to push me away.”

And now Junmyeon felt his great idea, maybe hadn’t been all so great. Maybe he shouldn’t have mentioned anything about the old Junmyeon’s mementos, Junmyeon had never found out why they were there in the first place. This was apparently opening old wounds and raising unanswered questions. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything… Or put this up. Now we’re both gonna wonder things that will never have an answer. I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t say that… And you shouldn’t take it down. I’m both thrilled and confused about this. But mostly happy to know the Junmyeon from three months ago, and now even you, treasure these things. It means a lot to me too.” Yixing beamed.

Junmyeon smiled back.

The rest of the night went by as Junmyeon cooked for them. Yixing helped him, so they cut together the vegetables or the meat, but he was in charge of the rest. He liked that even if Yixing was a professional chef, Yixing didn’t pressure others to do his way or commented if someone was doing something wrong. They listened to some music as they did their tasks, alternating between rock, that Junmyeon liked, and English pop music, Yixing’s favorite.

The dining room and the kitchen were in the same place. So, Junmyeon had bought a table for two only, it was the fitting size, and it wasn’t like he had company to eat every day. Yixing set up the table, and Junmyeon placed the pot with the finished stew there. He and Yixing sat down and served themselves.

Junmyeon observed as Yixing took the first bit. There was something about watching Yixing eat he enjoyed. It was like no matter what food Yixing ate, he always looked forward to it.

“Jun, this tastes incredible.”

It was impossible not to smile and chuckle. It brought Junmyeon a warm, heady feeling, happiness. Junmyeon knew his food wasn’t anything special compared to Yixing’s. Even so, Yixing still complimented him wholeheartedly. Yixing did it the first time he had invited him over to eat, during their picnic, and even now. Junmyeon figured Yixing must have always shown his appreciation countless times before when they were together. And suddenly there was something he had to do.

Junmyeon stood up, Yixing stared at him puzzled.

“What are-”

Yixing didn’t get to finish his sentence. Junmyeon had leaned across the table to hold the back of his hair and bring him forward, so he enveloped his lips in a kiss.

It was perfect, the way Junmyeon’s heart skipped one beat. The way it felt, his heartbeats and tickling sensations. The way their lips caressed each other. The way Yixing dropped his spoon on the table to bring Junmyeon closer to him. The way the air was slowly emptying in their lungs. Even the way it tasted, a bit familiar, like Yixing mixed with kimchi.

When the kiss ended Junmyeon opened his eyes but stayed closer to Yixing, no matter that the position was somewhat uncomfortable.

Opening his eyes and panting, Yixing said, “Finally.” He smiled the way an indentation appeared on each of his cheeks. “It feels like I’ve been waiting for you to do that since forever.”

Junmyeon smiled. “Sorry, but now I have all the time in the world to make it up to you,” he said before leaning in to kiss Yixing one more time.


	14. Chapter 14

**The forthcoming memories I**

_Three years later_

“You can’t do this to me now!” he yelled. Tears rolled down his cheeks as he desperately held his right bicep with his left hand, hoping that his grip would make the involuntary twitching stop. It was futile, and it was frustrating just like every other short session had been. Those seconds seemed interminable. This was the fifth time it happened this week, thrice this day for the first time, and it was only Tuesday. Why did this happen to him?

Then it stopped. The twitching subsided, but Junmyeon still held tight his right arm, and still cried in solitude at the parking lot in his and Yixing’s apartment. How unfair. He knew. The hourglass had run out of the sand. It had begun. Junmyeon had suspected it for a couple of months, but he had wanted to believe he had more time. He needed more time. He wanted more time. Life was unfair though.

The first symptoms were present on his right arm. At first, he noted it in the gym. His right arm could no longer lift the same amount of weight as his left arm. He thought that maybe he had overworked his left arm, that it had gotten stronger and it wasn’t his right arm that had gotten weaker. The few times he had gotten muscle cramps in his arm, he had blamed it on the workouts. But then he couldn’t properly hold a pen, his grip had weakened, and rarely, he couldn’t even hold that pen because of that strange numbness in his thumb. Writing had become a difficult task. And recently even things like using the can opener, his phone, or buttoning his lab coat seemed like the toughest tasks. His finger dexterity had decreased. And now the twitches, the fasciculations, were there, tormenting either his arm or hand in the most unpredictable times.

Today, on October 1, the day of his and Yixing’s second wedding anniversary, he couldn’t take it anymore. It hurt to know they had only gotten three wonderful years together. Now that was coming to an end, a tragic end. He hadn’t wanted to believe it, but Junmyeon cried because he knew it was true. It was evident. His ALS had started to develop. Of course, only a doctor could confirm this statement. But he had the SOD1 mutation; he had the initial symptoms of ALS. It had to be true.

Still, Junmyeon would have wanted more time. Three years would never be enough to prepare oneself to face this horrible sickness, this death sentence, or to leave behind the man he loved. Maybe not even a lifetime was sufficient. Junmyeon was worried, scared, afraid of the future, of how fast it would go, of how much it would hurt even if they said that physical pain wasn’t a symptom, he still thought it would hurt. Neither was it easier to know that his mind would remain intact, and he’d always be aware of all the deterioration of his body, just like right now. He was scared. This would break his soul into pieces, and not only him. Yixing had promised to stay with him the whole time, the whole hell that was to come, and he was sure Yixing would suffer along with him. But despite this knowledge, Junmyeon would never ask Yixing to leave because he knew he could never do this on his own.

Life was unfair.

He inhaled deeply and tried to bring down his heart rate. The tears had stopped flooding at some point. The aching anguish in his heart was still there though. But it was a weird ambivalence because he was also happy. It was his and Yixing’s second wedding anniversary. They were only going to have dinner at home, but even this simple celebration made him joyful. Marrying Yixing had been one of the happiest reminiscences he treasured since he lost his memory in the car accident. To this day, Junmyeon had only managed to remember one thing from his life before the crash.

He saw himself in the rear-view mirror. Washing his face before meeting Yixing would be a great idea.

Junmyeon fumbled with his keys again. He tried to turn off his car, but recently it took him three attempts to accomplish the task. At least it required less than to unlock the door to the apartment. Right now, he stood in their floor’s hallway, and it took him six attempts before he opened the door. Couldn’t the signs have been more obvious? He sighed and walked inside. There was a pleasant aroma around the house. Junmyeon immediately recognized it. He smiled, Yixing hadn’t said what he’d cook, but he knew now. Crisp sesame duck, his favorite Chinese dish. Before going to the kitchen, Junmyeon went to the bathroom to erase the traces of his momentary meltdown. He decided to put aside his worries and fears to focus on being happy with Yixing for now, later this night he’d say it.

Junmyeon found Yixing listening to music and singing as he washed the pots. Instantly he smiled, he loved listening to his husband’s voice. Unheard, he walked over to stand behind Yixing and held him by his waist, enveloping Yixing in a back hug. He inhaled Yixing’s neck, filling his nostril with an enthralling scent.

“Jun, that tickles!” Yixing complained, leaning his head to the side, away from Junmyeon’s reach.

Junmyeon chuckled. He let go of Yixing, who instantly turned around to hold Junmyeon instead. Yixing kissed him. He loved kissing those lips. Junmyeon raised his hands and put them around Yixing’s neck. He could feel Yixing’s damp hands holding his waist, but he didn’t care.

“Hi Jun,” Yixing said when the kiss ended. Their noses were touching. His eyes focused on Junmyeon’s.

“Xing.”

Why couldn’t time stop there? At this moment, in Yixing’s grasp, where both were smiling like idiots, and everything was somewhat perfect.

“Come on. Dinner’s ready,” Yixing said, letting go of Junmyeon. “Let’s set up the table on the terrace.”

He nodded and helped Yixing. When everything was ready, they sat in front of each other.

Junmyeon had a new working schedule, and he would return home later than before, so he would no longer send Yixing off to work. But it was a good thing Yixing was free tonight. He stared to the side and saw Guangzhou’s night skyline. Even if it was the beginning of autumn, the mild weather was refreshing, and eating outside watching this scenery was something both enjoyed.

They began eating as they talked about their day or other things like their friends and family. The food tasted exquisite, and Junmyeon would always make sure to voice out his appreciation. He loved to see his husband smile with his deep dimples appearing.

Yixing had never questioned further why Junmyeon no longer ate with chopsticks. He seemed okay with the excuse Junmyeon had given: ‘I don’t know, I just felt like using forks and knives.’ That was a lie of course. Junmyeon could no longer use the chopsticks with the same precision as before. If he did try, it'd probably take him an hour to finish eating. But even gripping the cutlery was sometimes difficult.

Rapidly, Junmyeon shook his thoughts away. He was supposed to focus on celebrating this day with Yixing.

When their dinner ended, they picked up everything and put it in the dishwasher.

Yixing took a seat by the piano stool and began playing. Junmyeon sat next to him, and immersed himself in the melody Yixing was performing. Somehow this position had become a habit of them, Junmyeon sitting next to Yixing and watching how Yixing moved his hands elegantly. Sometimes, Junmyeon accompanied him with his singing voice. Tonight, he didn’t.

Time passed, it was later in the night. Their day was coming to an end. Now, they were both taking a bath after making love. Fortunately, their bathtub was big enough for both.

Junmyeon stared at Yixing, who had his eyes closed. His gaze was on Yixing’s jet black hair that was pushed back, making his forehead visible. He gawked his nose, his eyebrows, his elf-like ears which he found to be adorable, even if Yixing said otherwise, his lips and its considerable thicker lower part. Yixing was truly beautiful.

“Jun, what are you doing?” Yixing said. “I can feel you looking at me.”

“I’m admiring you.”

Yixing chuckled. He opened his eyes and leaned his head a bit to the left. “Admiring me?”

“Yes. You’re beautiful, Xing. Really, beautiful.”

He saw a bright smile on Yixing’s face. “Thanks. You’re okay yourself.”

“Just okay?” Junmyeon asked, raising an eyebrow.

Yixing laughed. Splashing some water on the floor, he moved so he could lay on top of Junmyeon. He leaned in to kiss him. Junmyeon raised his arms to bring him closer.

“You’re the most handsome husband one could ever have,” Yixing whispered between their lips before kissing him again.

Not long after, they laid in bed. Yixing’s head rested on top of Junmyeon’s shoulder, and Junmyeon held his waist. For a couple of hours, Junmyeon had been trapped in the enchanting happiness that was loving and being loved by Yixing. The food, the music, his voice, their bodies touching one another, everything had been enthralling. But the reality was there, bringing him back from being on cloud nine. And it was at this moment, Junmyeon knew he had to bring it up, even if he felt he was about to break Yixing’s heart. But time wasn’t in their favor, it seemed never to be.

“I’m gonna make an appointment with my neurologist.”

He could feel Yixing tensing up. Yixing withdrew Junmyeon’s arm from his waist so he could sit up straight against the headboard. Junmyeon followed suit. And now they were both staring at one another. Yixing’s eyes were glistening.

“It has started, hasn’t it?”

Junmyeon could feel something forming in his throat. He nodded.

And then Yixing let out his tears. “I figured, but I always wished I was wrong.”

“You knew?”

“You’re not the only one who has learned about ALS.” Yixing clasped their hands together, it was Junmyeon’s debilitated hand. “I always look out for you, Jun. You’ve been dropping things. Your handwriting has changed. You stopped using chopsticks, and you don’t wear your shirts anymore. Sometimes I hear you fumbling with your keys in the hallway.”

Of course, Yixing had noticed it too. They were both going to face this together, Junmyeon got the worse part, but of course, Yixing would know. Whether that was a relief or worry, Junmyeon didn’t know.

“And whenever I hold your right hand, your grip isn’t as strong as it used to be.”

Junmyeon nodded. “I have muscle cramps in my arm. And the twitches have started too,” he added.

Yixing sobbed. A flood of tears fell down his face. And seeing this shattered image made Junmyeon cry too. The aching pain was released. The suffering was just beginning.

“I’m scared,” Junmyeon said.

“Me too.”

“I’m scared of dying like that, Xing.”

And it was then Yixing held Junmyeon in his arms. His hand caressed Junmyeon’s back. “It’s okay, it’s okay to be afraid.”

Junmyeon knew Yixing couldn’t do much to take away his fears. Saying things like ‘You’re gonna be okay. It’s gonna be fine,’ was futile in his case, a cruel and disheartening lie. Junmyeon didn’t want to hear lies. He wouldn’t be okay, he would never be.

“How can some people bravely fight this? How can they have such a strong attitude to fight this fucking illness? I’m such a coward. I-I don’t know if I’ll ever be as admirable like them. I think I’ll always be scared.”

“You don’t have to be like anybody else. A strong attitude with this fight, or being scared, it shouldn’t matter. You’ll face this your own way, and I’m always gonna be by your side no matter what, Jun.”

They shed out the rest of their tears in silence. Somehow, they had ended up lying on the bed again, Yixing still holding Junmyeon in his embrace.

“We always have the most memorable anniversaries, don’t we?” Junmyeon said once they had finally calmed down.

“Indeed,” Yixing said before huffing.

* * *

The upcoming months were an unbearable wait. Junmyeon visited his neurologist. Even if Junmyeon had the SOD1 mutation, the doctors still had to follow the procedure to diagnose him. Otherwise, Junmyeon could be suffering from another motor neuron disease. Junmyeon knew it could only be ALS, even if a tiny fraction of him hoped for another outcome. And from there on, test after test awaited him. There didn’t exist a particular test that could provide a definite diagnosis of ALS. Instead, because the symptoms of ALS could mimic other conditions, the doctors had to carry out proper exams that ruled out those potential illnesses.

Blood and urine tests, electromyography, magnetic resonance imaging, nerve conducting studies, muscle biopsies, he did them all, and other more. Everything that could help rule out a particular sickness, only to be left with ALS as the main culprit.

Eight months later, on this day, they reached a diagnosis. The standard criteria for establishing the diagnosis of ALS were there. His upper and lower motor neurons were degenerating, the symptoms in his right arm had somewhat progressed and were expanding. The EMG and biopsy didn’t show any evidence of another disease that was causing the degeneration of his upper and lower motor neurons. The NCS didn’t register any muscle illness or nerve damage. Neither did the MRI and other tests show any signs of other sicknesses that could explain his symptoms. Everything had been ruled out. Junmyeon had ALS.

The doctors told him to come back again in six months and retake his tests, and to get a second opinion, just in case they might have diagnosed him wrong. This could sometimes happen, people getting the wrong diagnosis. But Junmyeon knew that it was in vain. He had ALS. That was the reason behind everything.

It was the only explanation as to why his right arm had become so utterly weak and useless. Lifting things with his arm at first was like an intense workout, now he could barely raise it past his elbow. Yixing had to help him change his t-shirts. The cramps and twitching became more frequent. Sometimes his fingers curled, and he could not flatten out his hand. Waiting for the numbness, the stiffness, to pass was excruciating. And Junmyeon was sure he would soon lose total control of his little and ring fingers. He could no longer write because those scrawls were incomprehensible letters. His journals took a digital form now. And recently, he could feel his right feet becoming weaker too.

But at least Junmyeon still had his left side of his body intact. He could still use his left hand. He could still go to work. He could still eat on his own. He could still avoid the embarrassment of having others to help him with his private matters, for now at least. It seemed his ALS was progressing slowly, and Junmyeon couldn’t decide if that was a blessing or a curse. A blessing because he still had some independence, he still had more time with Yixing. A curse because he would face a slow death.

Right now, he and Yixing stood in front of their apartment. Yixing unlocked the door because Junmyeon couldn’t do it anymore, it took way longer than six tries, his hand didn't even reach the lock. They had just returned from their appointment with the doctors, from officially hearing for the first time that Junmyeon had ALS, even if they already knew.

“What a lovely late birthday gift,” Junmyeon said when they walked inside. He had just turned thirty-four last week, and now, he had just been diagnosed with ALS.

Yixing huffed. “But at least we know for sure now.”

“Yes… We are aware we’ll just have to wait for my slow death now.”

Yixing stopped short from removing his shoes. He walked wearing only one shoe towards Junmyeon. Yixing hugged him. And Junmyeon could only raise his left arm to hug him back. He could feel Yixing’s tears soaking his shoulder, he could hear him miserably cry as if it had been him who had gotten the death sentence. Junmyeon could feel his own tears starting to fall.


	15. Chapter 15

**Happiness**

“Please don’t let go of me, Yixing.”

“Jun, what are you saying? Of course, I won’t!”

Yixing gave him a reassuring smile, but Junmyeon was still somewhat frightened. Is not that he didn’t trust Yixing’s words, he trusted Yixing with his life now. But Junmyeon was afraid of falling and hitting his head on the hard ice, even if he was wearing a helmet. Losing his memory again, was something he feared.

Today they had come to the Grandview Mall. After spending the afternoon shopping, Yixing had dragged Junmyeon to the indoors Zhengjia Ice Skate Rink. Junmyeon had been nervous, a bit reluctant when Yixing held out the ice skates for him. But Yixing had smiled so brightly, Junmyeon had just accepted them. He would do anything for Yixing.

Right now, they were ice skating together in that small rink. Junmyeon saw children passing by them twice before he and Yixing even reached the end of the ice rink. Yixing didn’t seem to mind they were skating slowly, so slowly. Even so, Junmyeon thought he wouldn’t remember ice skating, but it seemed he could do it. Or maybe it was thanks to Yixing holding his hand and giving him reassurance that he could.

“Did we ever ice skate together before?” Junmyeon asked.

“We did. A couple of times. But I think we preferred skiing over ice-skating… I learned to ski thanks to you actually.” Yixing chuckled.

“Thanks to me?”

“When we were in high school in Seoul, you said you loved to ski. You wanted to invite me, but back then, I didn’t know how to. Then, when I returned to Changsha because it actually snows over there, I decided to finally learn.”

“I see,” Junmyeon said. He couldn’t remember how it felt to ski, but he was sure it would be far more frightening to slide down a slope than to ice skate in this plane surface. He didn’t utter that though, maybe having Yixing by his side would make him braver, just like it did right now. Hopefully one day he could be able to experience it. “Do you think it’ll snow this year?”

“I believe the wish you made for me will come true one day. When? I don’t know. If it’s this year, that’d be great! But if not, there is always Changsha to see the snow. Although, maybe it’ll happen eventually. And when it does, I’ll hug you, kiss you, and thank you for that.”

Junmyeon smiled at those words. Yixing’s favorite season was winter, a snowy winter, he had found out about it during one of their dates. He thought the wish wasn’t so silly anymore, but he was certain it wouldn’t be this year. The weather didn’t seem to be on their side. “We can always hope,” he said, and he truly wished they would be together to see it.

They continued ice-skating for a while as they talked and laughed together. Slowly, Junmyeon’s fear of falling had been put aside, and their pace quickened a bit. Junmyeon had also wanted to take a picture of Yixing at some point. He loved to see him happy, to see him smile, but the Polaroid camera was in the safety locker. It was okay, though, he’ll have other chances.

Later, they went back to Yixing’s house to have an early Christmas dinner together, just the two of them. Tomorrow they’ll celebrate it with Luhan, Minseok, and Kyungsoo. And that was why they had gone shopping today, so Yixing could help Junmyeon pick presents for their friends. But Christmas wasn’t until six days later. The reason they will celebrate it early was that Kyungsoo and Yixing had to work in the evening that day. Junmyeon didn’t mind it though.

As Junmyeon walked around the hallways, he smiled when he saw their old pictures hanging on the walls again. Yixing had also added some of the Polaroid photos Junmyeon had taken. Even their high school trophy was back on its shelf. It felt like things were falling into place. It might be too soon, but Junmyeon wouldn’t mind living with Yixing again. If anything, he would love to wake up every morning next to him.

Their candlelight dinner went wonderfully. Yixing’s cooking skills would never disappoint him. Sometimes during the meal, Junmyeon would lose himself in Yixing. His dark eyes that were lightened by the candles, his smiles and dimples, his soothing laugh, his glossy hair, everything that was Yixing, Junmyeon loved it.

As the days, weeks, and months had passed, Junmyeon had found himself falling more and more for Yixing, and he was glad about it. He was reciprocating Yixing’s feelings for him, and he knew that would happen. Who wouldn’t fall for someone like Yixing?

When they had finished eating, they cleaned and put everything away. Then, they sat in the living room, watching a random Christmas movie that was playing. Yixing had his arm around him, and Junmyeon rested his head on top of Yixing’s shoulder.

It might be the recently flourished feelings talking, the headiness of being in love, but this was happiness. Obviously, they will have fights, maybe some hardships to overcome. The road here hadn’t been easy. But Junmyeon was confident that being loved and love Yixing was his happiness. And for now, that was enough for him.

How could the old Junmyeon have thrown away everything so easily? How could he have hurt Yixing like that? Junmyeon always shook his head at his old self’s stupidity and cowardice.

The movie ended. And Junmyeon thought now was the time to exchange gifts. He walked to Yixing’s room to bring something from his bag. It was a small box, gift-wrapped and with a purple bow. He sat down and saw that Yixing had already brought his gift too.

“Merry Christmas Yixing,” Junmyeon said. He handed Yixing the small present, but he was nervous inside. What if Yixing didn’t like it? What if he found it tacky?

Yixing took the gift. Carefully, he unfolded the present, revealing a white box. He opened it and brought out a snow globe. Inside the glass sphere, two small figures, he and Yixing, were holding hands and standing near the river banks of the Pearl River.

Junmyeon was still amazed at how detailed it was. He had ordered the custom-made snow globe weeks ago. At some point, he had been afraid it wouldn’t arrive on time, but it had come yesterday. And he was pleased with the outcome. He hoped Yixing would like it too.

“Wow Jun, this is so beautiful. It’s us!” Yixing said as his eyes carefully stared inside the snow globe. His deep dimples appeared when he shook the snow globe, stirring the snowflakes that slowly fell back on the surface. “Really, this is so wonderful. I love it, I really do. Thank you!” Yixing leaned in to kiss him, a chaste kiss. Then, he embraced him.

And it was then all of Junmyeon’s doubts disappeared. He inhaled Yixing’s hair as he hugged him back and said you’re welcome.

The gift Yixing gave Junmyeon was larger. And when Junmyeon unwrapped it, he gasped. It was a professional Nikon DSLR camera. He was glad but shocked. It was too much and probably cost Yixing some money. Junmyeon didn’t know if he was worthy of that, and his gift to Yixing hadn’t even been that expensive.

“Yixing, I-I don’t know what to say… I mean I like it, and I’m really thankful, but…”

“I know you still have your Polaroid camera, and you like that the pictures come out instantly, but this one will give your photos a higher resolution. You’re really good at it, and I think they’ll come out even greater! And I can always develop them if you want.” Yixing beamed at him, the way his eyes would form crescents and his head would tilt a bit to the side.

Junmyeon gulped. “That won’t be necessary… Is just that, the snow globe didn’t even cost a quarter of the value of this. Is too much, I don’t think I can take it. You should’ve spent that money on something else, on you.”

Yixing shook his head. “It’s no problem. Please, Jun, it’s for you.”

“But-”

“No buts! Besides, with this, I can finally make it up for you.”

Junmyeon’s eyebrows furrowed. “About what?”

“Last Christmas I gave you a terrible gift.”

And so, Yixing explained the origins of that photo Junmyeon had gotten for Christmas. That year, his old self had said they should give each other memories. Yixing had understood a different meaning of what the old Junmyeon had meant. He thought of their best memory together and a moment had come up: when he had asked Junmyeon to marry him. It was one of their fondest reminiscences. He wrote down his feelings and bought a nice standing glass frame that showed both sides of the photograph. But the night of exchanging presents, Yixing was surprised to see that Junmyeon had gifted him a one-week vacation in Hokkaido, Japan. It was for the two, but still. ‘I’ll give you a memorable trip,’ had Junmyeon said. So, it was that what Junmyeon had meant. Meanwhile, Yixing had facepalmed himself and apologized to Junmyeon for his stupid gift. Of course, Junmyeon had said otherwise and was content with the picture.

“So, yeah worst Christmas present ever. I guess this makes it up to you. And look at that, this year you actually gave me a memory, and I love it! Makes me think of the time we met again years ago,” Yixing said, “Please just take it. I’ll be glad if you do.”

Junmyeon smiled. He was happy to understand where that picture had come from. They still hadn’t reached that part in their retellings. He was still unsure about the camera, but if it would make Yixing happy, then he would accept it. Junmyeon nodded. “Thanks a lot, Yixing.” Now he enveloped Yixing in his arms. Really, was there a better place than to be held and hold Yixing?

“Tell me about Hokkaido,” Junmyeon said after they had laid down together on the sofa.

“Sure! Let me bring out my phone, so we’ll see the pictures.”

And they laid there as Yixing eagerly spoke about their trip, and Junmyeon listened attentively, enjoying the sound of Yixing’s voice.

The storytelling ended, and not so long after, they were both lying in bed. Junmyeon was on top of Yixing, caressing his cheek as they looked at each other.

“You’re so beautiful,” Junmyeon said. He had said it the first time they had made love, almost in this same intimate position. But he could say it every day, no matter the situation because it was the truth. Yixing was beautiful, outside and inside, with his flaws and everything else.

Yixing brought him down to kiss him. Slowly, enjoying the way their lips touched, the subtle lip bites and the moments their tongues met.

Shirts were removed and thrown out of their way, but lips reconnected quickly. Junmyeon felt his skin burn, or maybe it was tingling, whenever Yixing’s hand roamed his chest, whenever his fingers stopped to touch his nipples. The sensations multiplied when Yixing started to kiss his neck, gradually going down, licking and sucking his skin, leaving behind red marks. Until Yixing’s mouth took Junmyeon’s left nipple, and Junmyeon moaned. Yixing took time playing with each nipple inside his mouth. By the time Yixing was done, Junmyeon’s lower region was fully awake.

“My turn,” Junmyeon whispered in Yixing’s ear before lightly sucking the earlobe.

He sat on his knees. Yixing stared at him while smirking. Both their eyes reflecting desire. Junmyeon rapidly undid Yixing’s pants, tossing them away. His hands caressed those milky thighs. Yixing shivered. And Junmyeon leaned down to lick, bite, and suck them, leaving his mark on Yixing now. Hearing Yixing’s uneven breathing, only motivated him to keep going further.

Once Yixing’s underwear was of the way, somewhere on the bedroom floor, Junmyeon’s eyes stared at Yixing when his hand held the semi-erect dick, stroking it, jerking him off at an excruciatingly slow pace. Yixing closed his eyes and kept panting loudly. Junmyeon decided to finally lean down, taking Yixing’s dick with his mouth. He could hear Yixing’s shameful, needy moans as he went lower and lower, hollowing his cheeks, licking around the hard length. With one hand, Junmyeon held down Yixing’s hip, and with the other, he played with his balls. It was all too intense. And the grip on his hip didn’t help Yixing from thrusting too hard and choking Junmyeon. Coughing, Junmyeon retracted.

“Jun, I’m so sorry,” Yixing said, flushing red, due to either embarrassment or the heat of the moment.

Junmyeon sat on his knees again. “It’s okay,” he said, caressing Yixing’s cheek again.

Yixing put his hand around his neck and brought him down to kiss him.

“Take off your pants,” Yixing ordered when they had parted to fill their lungs with air. And Junmyeon eagerly removed his pants and underwear.

Then, Junmyeon was on top of Yixing again. Yixing’s hands were grabbing his ass. They kissed as their hips were grinding together, in a needy, quick pace, precum leaking from both their cocks.

“At-at this rate we’re going to cum,” Junmyeon quivered.

“Would that be so bad?”

“I wanna cum inside you.” His cheeks turned a little red.

Yixing smirked. “Then, what are you waiting for to prep me?”

Nodding, Junmyeon smiled. He reached the nightstand and took out the lube and a condom. Yixing opened his legs for him. Junmyeon coated his fingers with the lube. He positioned one finger on Yixing’s entrance, circling it around before slowly pushing it inside. Yixing’s hand turned into fists, and he grunted a little at the intrusion. Junmyeon drew back his finger, unhurriedly, until it was almost out and he pushed it inside again. Arousal, he felt it more as he watched how Yixing’s puckered hole took his finger. He followed this same pace, and then three fingers were inside, and Yixing moaned in pleasure, arching his back, whenever Junmyeon’s fingers stimulated his prostate.

“Please, Jun. I need you inside now.”

And that was the best order ever because Junmyeon wasn’t sure how much longer he could hold it, not when Yixing had so sensually enjoyed the way he fingered his ass. Fumbling a little, he put on the condom and coated his dick with lube. Junmyeon held his cock against Yixing’s entrance, ready to push it inside when Yixing spoke.

“Wait.”

“Thought you couldn’t wait.”

Yixing chuckled, “Let me ride you.”

Rapidly, Junmyeon rested on the bed, and Yixing positioned himself above him. His heart was a frantic mess, his breathing was irregular. Yixing held his throbbing dick, the tip was on his entrance. Slowly, Yixing’s ass began to slide down. Junmyeon could only stare as his cock disappeared into Yixing, even if part of him was desperate to move. Once it was fully inside, the heat and tightness surrounding his rigid length were too much for his senses. Yixing only groaned with eyes closed. And Junmyeon raised his hands to play with Yixing’s nipples, squeezing them, rubbing them with the palm of his hands until Yixing adjusted to the intrusion. Yixing whimpered, and he raised his hips, only to slide down again, taking all of Junmyeon’s dick.

Soon, Yixing established a rhythm. And Junmyeon held his hips and started to thrust upwards to meet Yixing’s downwards thrusts. With each shove, he did his best to aim for that sensitive spot, and whenever Yixing screamed, he knew he had done it. Their loud moans and groans resonated in the room. Their eyes were staring at one another. This was pure pleasure.

When Yixing’s pace slackened, Junmyeon knew he was close. He stopped and told him to switch positions. Yixing nodded but was in too much trance to compel. Junmyeon got off Yixing and helped him to lie on the bed. He opened Yixing’s legs a little and lined up his dick against Yixing’s entrance.

From this angle, he could thrust in harder, quicker, and aim better at Yixing’s prostate. Yixing cursed loudly, breathing unevenly, as his hands held Junmyeon’s back, almost scratching him. Yixing pulled him down and kissed him.

Junmyeon’s orgasm was almost there, the electrifying sensations across his body told him so. Still kissing, with one hand, he took Yixing’s dick and started stroking it. He wanted to give Yixing the same pleasure he was feeling now.

One particular thrust and the kissing stopped. Yixing screamed Junmyeon’s name, releasing his cum in Junmyeon’s hand and between their abdomens. A few more thrusts and Junmyeon was cumming inside Yixing, just like he had wanted to.

Carefully, he got off Yixing and laid on top of him, not caring about the sticky things between them. Their wet foreheads touched one another, and they were breathing each other’s air, but their warm, sweaty bodies remained close. Yixing hugged him and caressed his back. Cuddling was everything they needed for now.

Once their sensations had calmed down, Junmyeon cupped one of Yixing’s cheeks with his clean hand, and gave him, a chaste, slow kiss. “How about we take a shower and change into new clothes?” he asked between their lips.

“That sounds like a plan,” Yixing said, smiling.

This time he kissed Yixing on the forehead. “I’ll carry you,” Junmyeon said before getting off the bed and do that.

The next morning, Junmyeon woke up to an empty bed. He yawned as he stretched out his arms. Suddenly, he heard the piano playing. Yixing. A smile appeared on his lips. Yixing was playing the piano. He got up from the bed, not caring about washing his face, he strode directly to the living room.

Rays of sunlight entered through the windows, illuminating Yixing’s frame. His raven hair gleamed, his skin shone, and he looked so picturesque while sitting on the piano stool.

“Good morning, Jun.” Yixing stared at him, beaming.

“Hello, Yixing.”

He walked closer, and after giving Yixing a kiss on the cheek, Junmyeon sat next to him on the piano stool. Somehow it was big enough for both.

“What were you playing? Chopin?”

“No, I was playing this. Miracles in December.”

It was a melody Junmyeon didn’t recognize. It was soothing, with hidden tones of melancholy. And then Yixing started to sing.

_“I gaze longingly at you whom I cannot see_

_I listen carefully to you whom I cannot hear.”_

That was unexpected, not that Junmyeon was complaining. But it was the first time he had heard Yixing sing. Usually, he just played the piano. It was a gloomy song about lost love. Heartbreaking, but Yixing’s tender voice and the melody, made everything beautiful. Junmyeon closed his eyes and immersed himself in the song. He loved their moments like this.

And when Yixing pressed the final key, Junmyeon clapped and gave him another kiss on the cheek.

“Marvelous performance, as always, Yixing.”

Yixing showed him that dimpled smile of his. “Thank you.”

Junmyeon returned the smile. Then, Junmyeon got another idea. “Can you play ‘Curtain’?”

Confused, Yixing said, “You remember ‘Curtain?’”

“Yes. When Baekhyun played it on the piano, I remembered all of its lyrics.”

“That’s surprising, but after all, that was one of your favorite songs. We used to play and sing it all the time.”

“We did?”

Yixing nodded. “I’m glad you remember it. Do you wanna sing?”

“I do,” Junmyeon said, and Yixing began playing the piano. Not long after, Junmyeon started singing.


	16. Chapter 16

**The forthcoming memories II**

_Six years later_

Time. Motionless for some, rapidly slipping through one’s fingers for others. For Junmyeon, he was trapped in between. One morning he could wake up, brush his teeth, wash his face, kiss his husband, go to work. The next one, he couldn’t even get up from the bed without help, he sat immobile in a wheelchair, he was dependent on everyone else to live. At first, it felt as if everything was happening far too fast, but now that he looked at the world from his wheelchair, every day seemed like an eternity. Time. How much time did he have left?

Two years and one month had passed since he got diagnosed with ALS, and he was still alive. Statistically, ALS patients died within two to five years after the initial diagnosis. Junmyeon was living. How much time did he have left? Even if Junmyeon always wondered that the question didn’t have an answer. Nobody had it for now. The moment his lungs showed signs of weakness, only then, he’ll have his answer.

But, how had everything changed during these two years and one month?

Well, some months after his diagnosis, they had decided to buy a new house. It was a one-story house that they had modified to help with Junmyeon’s future disability problems. Junmyeon had been a bit distressed about the moving, Yixing too probably. That apartment had been their home for many years, even if he had forgotten parts of it. Junmyeon also loved the view, the serenity of a summer breeze hitting his face as he looked down the city. But at the same time, Junmyeon wanted to have some privacy while coping with the sickness, and that he wouldn’t get living in an apartment complex. The moving was optimal. And if he were with Yixing, anywhere they were it would feel like home.

Junmyeon had resigned to his fate long ago. He knew he was going to die because he wouldn’t prolong his suffering once his lungs started to fail. So, at first, despite fearing how the rest of his body would slowly deteriorate, he had done things to the maximum while he still could. He had walked. He had run. He had worked. He and Yixing had traveled abroad, met with old friends, encountered new places. But the sickness, the unwanted companion, had always been present, progressing slowly.

After his right arm had become completely weak and useless, it attacked his lower limbs, starting from his right foot up to the leg. During the emergence of these symptoms, he had begun walking ‘funny.’ As if one morning, he had suddenly forgotten how to walk. Sometimes Junmyeon had felt he had to drag his right leg while walking. The twitches didn’t cause any pain, but they were uncomfortable. It was the muscle cramps that were the worse. They could be so painful he had to stop whatever he was doing. He also woke up with stiff muscles. But the medicine and the physical therapy helped him relieve some of that pain. It didn’t mean the twitches, cramps, and stiffness wouldn’t be there; they were always there.

As the deterioration expanded throughout the rest of his lower body, Junmyeon had started tripping more and more. He could no longer get up from a chair without help. Even while standing still, he wavered, and his balance was worsening. An ankle-foot orthosis and a quad cane had helped him at first, but it still took him some time to walk short distances, and it required what seemed to be lots of physical strength. He always felt tired and worn out. As these symptoms had progressed, he had decided to retire due to ill health. It was a tough but wise choice. His work had kept him busy from the cruel reality he was facing. Junmyeon liked working, even if his shift had decreased to be two to three hours long. But the disability was more prominent, and it interfered not only with his but everyone else’s performance at work. The fatigue and tiredness were too much to handle, so it was wiser to just quit and take it easy at home. Yixing had been happy with his decision, he had been too worried about Junmyeon. And Junmyeon suddenly got more free time to either spent it with his husband, read, or do whatever he could at home.

Eventually, as more time had passed, maybe a year and eight months after the diagnosis, Junmyeon could no longer stand up with the help of his quad cane. He knew it would have happened at some point. The physical therapist that monitored his progression had said the weakness in the muscles of his trunk would cause a drastic change in his posture and balance. A walker might have helped him to support his body and maintain an upright posture, but because he had no strength in his right arm, he couldn’t use it. So, they had prepared him to use a power wheelchair instead. Oddly, even if Junmyeon hated being motionless and sitting on that chair, he had considered himself lucky. He could afford that kind of expensive medical equipment; his wheelchair was comfortable and optimal for his condition. It gave him some form of independence to navigate around the house and to reposition himself. Other people couldn’t, and they faced, for the most part, a bedridden life instead. Even if by now his left arm had also become weaker, his finger dexterity wasn’t as bad as his right hand. Junmyeon could at least control the wheelchair with his left hand. And thankfully, as of now, the sickness hadn’t progressed more drastically yet, his voice remained intact.

During those two years and one month of symptom progression, Yixing had been there for him, holding and crying with him whenever he cried due to a loss, loving and supporting him. Yixing had been there all the time. As Junmyeon had become more and more disabled, he couldn’t help but feel like Yixing’s burden. Yixing had helped him with everything. Yixing had wanted to be Junmyeon’s main caregiver, he had learned to be one, he had listened to everything the occupational therapist had recommended. Yixing did all the chores around the house. Yixing helped him get up from the bed, getting dressed in the mornings. He raised Junmyeon’s arms and legs to do his daily stretches and exercises. He showered him while he sat down when he could no longer stand up. Yixing even helped with the most humiliating tasks like using the bathroom (at least Junmyeon still had control over his bodily functions).

Junmyeon had been and was thankful for Yixing’s help. That man truly loved him, just like he loved him too. Who else would have, and kept doing, so much for him? But Junmyeon had thought everything was becoming too tiring, demanding, and burdensome for Yixing. He knew that even if his husband never voiced out his frustration or discomfort. Sure, Junmyeon had a young caregiver, Sicheng, that took care of him when Yixing was at work. And sometimes Minseok, Kyungsoo, and Luhan would help them out. It was still too much for Yixing, who worked in the mornings and the nights, during his days off too.

Yixing had been too stubborn and said he could handle everything. Yixing wanted to be there for him, he worked hard to be there, he had promised to be there for him. But if they had kept going at that rate, Yixing would have collapsed of exhaustion, and Junmyeon didn’t want that. He didn’t want Yixing to risk his health for him.

So, that same week Junmyeon had ended on the power wheelchair, they had a discussion. It felt like it lasted for hours, maybe it did, Junmyeon didn’t remember, but they fought a lot. Yixing had felt as if Junmyeon didn’t appreciate his efforts as if he was calling him incapable of both taking care of him and providing for them. Yixing wanted to do both, he could do it, after all, Junmyeon was getting the worse part. It was the least he could do for them. On the other hand, Junmyeon fought to make Yixing realize, he had done enough. Yixing was going to die of exhaustion at some point, it was deteriorating his health, and he wanted Yixing to be healthy, to be strong. Junmyeon was concerned about him, not unappreciative of his efforts. After much discussion, they agreed that Sicheng, and other personal, would become Junmyeon’s main caregivers for the upcoming months. Once, Yixing regained his strength, he and the others would work together to take care of him. Junmyeon would have preferred if Yixing didn’t do anything, but he had agreed to it nonetheless. Now, five months later, Yixing was back at helping him too.

One last thing that accompanied Junmyeon, during these two years and one month, was fear. Ever since his symptoms had begun, Junmyeon had lived with fear. Fear of living with ALS and its symptoms. Fear of becoming a motionless existence. Fear of dying that way. Fear of leaving behind the one he loved. Fear, it was constantly there in many forms. Yet despite the concerns he felt, Junmyeon had coped with it, with the disheartening symptoms and the loss of mobility. Two years had passed, the symptoms had advanced and he was in a wheelchair, yet he was still there, living with ALS. Maybe he was brave after all, or maybe it was because he was too scared to kill himself and put an end to everything. Or maybe it was because of Yixing he was brave. Maybe knowing he had that man by his side, loving and supporting him, was all he needed to keep going until he could.

So, that was how life had changed for him during these two years and one month.

Junmyeon was thirty-six and living with ALS.

How much time did he have left?

* * *

A morning in the last days of June, Junmyeon was staring out to their backyard from the porch. He moved his wheelchair, going down the wheelchair ramp, to see a part of the garden up close. Some undergrowth used to grow there. He hadn’t realized somebody had cleaned the place and vibrant, colorful small flowers were there instead. He wondered who took care of them. As far as he knew, Yixing wasn’t into gardening. Maybe it was Sicheng.

He sighed. The sun shone on his face, not too warm, but pleasant. Sometimes he missed the city ruckus he used to hear. Other times he loved this tranquility.

Yixing appeared later. He brought him his medicine.

Junmyeon took a lot of pills, mostly pain relievers, muscle relaxants or against fatigue, and occasional lack of sleep. This was for now, in the future he’ll need medication that lowered the amount of saliva he made, constipations problem, and much more. For some time, he had also taken antidepressants. Only one of the medicines he took now was apt to treat ALS. Having worked in the fields of pharmaceutics, Junmyeon knew that riluzole, one of the only two ALS drugs available, wasn’t a cure and would at most slow down the worsening of the disease and prolong his survival for maybe three months. It was mostly for the slow down he took the drug. He had given up the hope they’ll find a cure long ago. Even if they did, it was too late for his case, maybe one day it’ll help others.

Yixing withdrew the glass of water from his lips, and Junmyeon thanked him.

“Who planted those?” Junmyeon asked, looking at the small bunch of blue flowers that grew in the garden.

“It was Sicheng, I helped him. He said they’re called ‘Forget-me-nots.’”

So, it was Sicheng’s work. “That’s a funny name.”

Yixing smiled. “Yeah. He eagerly listed a lot of meanings. But I could only remember a few.”

“What?”

“They are reminders of your favorite time and memories with another person. And also, true or undying love, a connection that lasts through times.”

He smiled, although it was more saddening, “I see why they got that name.”

They were silent for a while. Yixing sat down on the grass with closed eyes, letting the sunbeams hit his skin. Junmyeon stared at the flowers while thinking about the thoughts he had had for some time. It was important, and while he still had his voice, he should say them out loud. Maybe now was finally the time to discuss his thoughts.

“I wanna see a lawyer.”

“A lawyer?”

“To make a will.” Junmyeon wanted to ensure everything he owned would go to Yixing.

Yixing stared at him. “Isn’t it too soon?”

“It’s better than too late.”

Yixing curled up and looked away, his gaze lost somewhere else, a frown on his face. It was funny, he didn’t look like a thirty-five-year-old.

Junmyeon decided to continue. “You should also know that I want a simple funeral, nothing fancy or anything like that, just you, our friends and close relatives.” He heard Yixing huffing. “And one last thing… Promise me you’ll be happy again. Mourn for some time… But if you find someone else… Love someone else… Then take the chance. Don’t cry over my death for the rest of your life.”

It was all silent until Yixing laughed, a wailing laugh. Then, he looked up at Junmyeon once again. “Are we really having this conversation, Jun? Are you really telling me what to do when you’re dead? That I should love someone else and be happy once you’re gone? Can’t you hear how ridiculous that sounds?! Like you’re not even dead yet! Stop planning things ahead!”

This was part of the reason he had postponed this conversation. He knew Yixing wouldn’t react good to it, neither had it been easy to voice out his thoughts. Yixing loving someone else sounded indeed ridiculous. As silly as it seemed, they were soulmates, there could never exist someone else who loved them as much as they loved each other. But life was unfair, and Junmyeon was dying. He was already in a wheelchair, paralyzed and unable to fully love him the way lovers did. Later, he’ll be dead, and Yixing will be left behind. The image of an old Yixing, spending the rest of his life in solitude, worried Junmyeon. It distressed him to know Yixing would be all alone. Maybe Yixing will be able to find someone that gives him a bit of happiness in his life, someone that walked with him for the rest of his life. And after leaving this world, Junmyeon wouldn’t be there to see him happy with someone else. So, it wouldn’t hurt.

“Every day I’m dying, Xing,” Junmyeon said, “Slowly, but I am. One day I will start having a slurred speech, my voice will slow down, and eventually, I won’t be able to talk. And I won’t be able to swallow and eat properly. I’ll have a feeding tube… But once my lung muscles start weakening, I won’t have much time left.”

Yixing stood up. He walked to stand in front of Junmyeon. He kneeled. His hand grabbed the top of Junmyeon’s hands. One of the things ALS didn’t take was Junmyeon’s sense of touch. He could feel the warmth and softness of Yixing’s hand. It was recomforting. Yixing stared at him with pleading eyes.

“Even if you lose your voice, technology nowadays allows you to communicate with different devices, like those eye tracking things. And about your lungs… A tracheotomy surgery and a ventilator can help you… You know many people live more time with a ventilator, it doesn’t have to be five years. We could have more time.”

Subtly, Junmyeon nodded. Both were perfectly aware of what Yixing had just said, having heard it from doctors, therapists, other patients, or through research. Junmyeon knew about his options and was willing to accept them all until the feeding tube and eye tracking communication device. That was it for him. The idea of being connected to a ventilator, that, he had long ago said no to. The ventilator might give him more time, but it required 24 hours care, more costs, and the disease wouldn’t stop. He would become completely paralyzed at some point, unable to even move and hold up his head. Then there was the severe muscle atrophy. Spending the rest of his life like that… For as much as he loved Yixing, he didn’t know if he would be capable of living that kind of life, even for him. It was too much, too painful, too hard. Since long ago, he had decided he would live until his lungs gave up, a natural death. Yixing had always been aware of that too. And right now, Junmyeon still didn’t feel like changing his mind.

“Xing… I’m truly, truly sorry. I know I keep saying I treasure the time we have together and that I’m afraid of dying… But I’m also scared of living much longer like this. I love you so much, but this damn sickness will continue getting worse, and I don’t think I’m strong enough to keep living like that. I don’t think I’ll ever be strong… I’m sorry.”

Yixing leaned down and buried his face on Junmyeon’s tights. His tights were so much smaller now, just like the rest of his body, another effect of the muscle atrophy. Junmyeon could feel how Yixing’s tears soaked him, how he let out some cries. And Junmyeon also wished he could be able to raise one of his stupid arms and caress Yixing’s hair. He wished he could hug him.

Yixing sobbed. He sniffled. But he still managed to say, “Don’t be, I knew, I know, and I respect that. It hurts so much, so fucking much to see you go through with this. I-I wish I could save you, Junmyeon. It’s stupid, I know. But I really wish I could save you. I can’t imagine my life without you, I can’t, I simply can’t, and I don’t want to.”

Junmyeon wished he could too. Now his eyes were getting teary. It felt like they hadn’t cried together since that morning Junmyeon woke up and couldn’t walk anymore. But at the same time, crying felt so familiar, as if they were used to it.

“Please don’t ever tell me to be happy with someone else again. I don’t want your blessing. I will mourn for you for the rest of my life, I don’t care if I’m alone. I love you, and only, you. That will never change, Junmyeon.”

His cheeks were wet now. He smiled. Yixing was punishing himself to live in solitude. It wasn’t okay, it was a little worrying, but Junmyeon wouldn’t be there to see him. And it was what Yixing wanted, and he would respect that too. “Okay, I won’t… I love you too, Yixing, to the end of my days, I will love you.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Harsh truth**

A new year began, and Junmyeon was happy. He wanted to leave behind the problems that had occurred last year, and rather focus on the new things that’d come, the new moments he’d share with Yixing, the bright future they had ahead. Junmyeon felt alive and joyful. He was content with his work. He had an amazing boyfriend and great friends. Junmyeon had also made his New Year’s resolution to drive again, he was still a tad scared, but that would be more convenient for him.

Shortly after the new year had begun, Sehun and his family said they’d come to visit Junmyeon and Yixing before going back to France. Due to Junmyeon and Sehun keeping in touch regularly through the phone, Junmyeon knew things wouldn’t be awkward at all. Earlier the Ohs had been in South Korea to spent the holidays with Sehun’s dad (Junmyeon had also gotten in touch with his uncle, whom he’ll pay a visit later in the year). So, Sehun could only stay for six days, but Junmyeon had looked forward to it. He could finally meet his cousin, the person his old self used to consider a little brother. It was soothing to know he still had some family left.

Everything had gone well during Sehun’s stay. Junmyeon and Yixing had shown them around Guangzhou (this was the first time the Ohs had come). They had gone out together with Luhan and the others too. Although there was this problem with communication, since Sehun spoke French, Korean, and English, while his wife only spoke French and English. Still, Kyungsoo, Yixing, and Junmyeon had overseen translations. And the group had dinner daily at Yixing’s and Kyungsoo’s restaurant. Thanks to the camera Yixing had given him, Junmyeon had documented most of that time in pictures. Yixing had been right, the DSLR camera gave his photographs a higher and better resolution.

Junmyeon had also taken many pictures of his adorable nine-month-old niece, and he knew Sehun would be glad to have them. There was one particular photo of her that he loved. It was the one of Yixing and her right after she had fallen asleep in Yixing’s lap, his boyfriend had taken a nap too. They had both looked so adorable, Junmyeon just had to frame that moment forever. Yixing would be a great father, Junmyeon could see it from the way Yixing interacted with his niece. It was as if parenthood came naturally for Yixing. Junmyeon was probably rushing into thinking this, they weren’t even married yet, but he couldn’t wait until they could start a family too. He might not be as good as Yixing or his niece’s parents when it came to calm her down from crying or changing her diapers, but he still looked forward to the day he became a father too and would learn those things. He figured he had to ask Yixing to marry him soon.

Sehun and Junmyeon had also bonded. Sehun told him more stories from their childhood and youth. His cousin had even brought their old photos for Junmyeon to see. And the childhood Junmyeon had forgotten about, became clearer thanks to that. Although, Sehun did skip the part about his sickened mother. Junmyeon didn’t want to be nosy, though. He didn’t want to cause people more pain by bringing up those kinds of memories.

Yet Junmyeon still found out about it, and also, the harsh truth behind why his old self had left.

On the sixth night, the group was having dinner for the last time. Kyungsoo and Yixing had joined as dinner guests too. The Ohs had enough hours to spare before going to the airport, but Sehun had asked Junmyeon if they could leave dinner early. They needed to speak privately about something important. It was strange, what could they possibly need to talk about? If it was important, why couldn’t Sehun have said before? Either way, Junmyeon agreed.

Later, the two sat in the living of Junmyeon’s apartment.

“Well, what did we need to talk about, Sehun?” Junmyeon uttered the question after they had been sitting there in silence for some minutes, drinking their cups of tea.

Sehun sighed. He was anxious, Junmyeon saw it in the way his foot tapped the floor, and the way he had been avoiding Junmyeon’s gaze.

“Junmyeon, would you… Would hate me if I knew all along the truth… A truth that could change a person’s whole life perspective…probably in a negative way?”

Hate Sehun? Life changing? In a negative way? Those questions only made Junmyeon more confused. “What? What are you talking about Sehun?”

“Part of the reason I came here was to tell you something, Junmyeon. But every time I thought about saying it, I chickened out. I’ve been cloven about this thing for months, ever since I found out you lost your memory. I still don’t know if this is the right thing to do, but now I feel… You’d hate me either way. Whether I tell you now, or never, things might happen, and eventually, you’ll find out I knew all along.”

Hate him either way? Junmyeon couldn’t think about what Sehun might know that could make him hate his cousin. If it were something about the old Junmyeon, then he wouldn’t even be surprised if his old self had done more stupid things. But if it was about Sehun, then Junmyeon couldn’t see a reason why he’d hate him. He wanted to know. So, even if it would be ‘life changing negatively,’ Junmyeon wanted to know. “Sehun, I’d never hate you. Even if I don’t remember most of it, I know you and uncle have done many things for me. You’re basically my little brother, aren’t you? Please just tell me what’s going on, I can take it.”

Sehun nodded. His gaze shifted from the cup of tea to Junmyeon. “Do you know what ALS is?”

ALS. These letters brought him a shiver, but instantly a part of Junmyeon’s brain had recognized their meaning. “Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis. It’s a neurodegenerative disease.”

“Yes. Do you know its symptoms? Its progression? What happens?”

Junmyeon thought about it and was astounded to find out he, in fact, knew it. Apparently, that knowledge had been stored in his semantic memory way before the accident because, after the crash, he hadn’t even thought about ALS. He didn’t understand how this could relate to what they were talking about, but he still said, “Ne-neurons that control voluntary muscle movements die over time. Your muscles weaken and atrophy. Usually, it starts affecting an upper or lower part of the limbs, like a foot or a hand, but it could also start in your throat. Then it spreads. Eventually, people lose all capacity to move their bodies, to talk and swallow. They’ll need a feeding tube to feed themselves, special devices to speak for them, and a ventilator to breathe. The-there is no cure. The average life expectancy after diagnosis is… Two to five years, more if they can afford the cost of 24 hours of ventilator care. Most cases are sporadical, a few are genetic.” He knew much more, but he figured this summarized it.

“Do you know how people live with ALS? How they fight each day to survive?”

That Junmyeon didn’t know. He couldn’t recall anyone who had lived or lived with that illness. But the more he thought about those questions, the more he felt this strange gushing fear and ache to rise slowly. Why was that? “It must be incredibly hard and painful… Going through all of that.”

Sehun nodded. He closed his eyes, and then he slowly opened them again, sighing. “My mom died of ALS. I was ten when it happened, but I remember most of it.”

Junmyeon gulped. So that was the disease that took away Sehun’s mother. He couldn’t imagine the pain Sehun and his mother must have gone through. He couldn’t imagine how Sehun must have felt seeing his mother die like that, how much it would hurt whenever he recalled those times. But his old self had seen it too... And maybe that was why he knew so much about ALS. Even if he didn’t remember those memories of his aunt, maybe the emotional impact had been left there, engraved within him, and maybe that was why his heartbeat had accelerated so much.“It must have been horrible.”

“It was… She had a fast progression. Just six months after being diagnosed, she was in a wheelchair. A year later, she was on ventilator care.” Sehun paused to breathe in. His eyes were teary. “I saw her go from being my strong, caring mom to this quiet existence. But she was a brave fighter. She fought so hard, and believe or not, besides the crying and all, in most of my memories she is smiling. My dad said she wanted to see me grow, no matter how difficult the sickness got and she had to endure it.” His cheeks were damp now. He sniffled, trying to stop the fluids from falling. “Then she-she caught pneumonia, a common complication in the end stages of ALS. So, mom couldn’t live longer than two years… She was only thirty-two.”

Junmyeon stood up and went to sit next to Sehun. He began caressing his cousin’s upper back as Sehun continued crying. “I’m so sorry, Sehun.” It wasn’t much, but that was the only thing he could come up to say.

After a while, Sehun brushed away the tears with his arm. He took in a deep breath. “It’s okay. I healed long ago, I know mom is in a better place now, but it’s always hard to talk about it.”

Junmyeon had no words to say. And he felt horrible because he wished he could give Sehun more comfort than an arm on his back.

“Most importantly Junmyeon what I want to say with this is… Mom’s case wasn’t sporadical.”

After Sehun had said that, he went silent. And Junmyeon went numb, his arm falling on the couch. That meant it was genetic. He knew there was a fifty-percent chance Sehun had it too. If Sehun had done genetic testing, then he could know whether he carried that defective gene or not. Was that what he wanted to say?

“ALS runs in our family. Our uncle, my mom’s and your dad’s brother, he-he died of ALS too. And now our cousin has it. There’s this mutation called SOD1. It’s dominant, so if a parent has it, there’s a fifty percent chance a child will inherit it too. I did a genetic testing a year ago and…”

“And?”

“I don’t have the mutation.”

Relieved, Junmyeon breathed out. But then things fell into place, and Junmyeon fell into the realization of what that ‘life changing in a negative way’ might be. The fear kept rising and rising. “Sehun, last year, did-did I also do a genetic testing?”

Sehun looked down and nodded.

“Were my results negative, too?”

Every second Sehun took to answer, Junmyeon didn’t breathe. He remained there silent, as he waited for hopefully breathe out too.

“No.”

Did he just hear fine? Had Sehun really said that? Could he trust it? “It-it can’t be.”

Sehun grabbed his phone. He scrolled the screen with his fingers. Then Sehun held it up for him. And when Junmyeon saw what was on the screen he knew. It was a picture of his test results. And the main point was no, it wasn’t negative.

That whole accumulated fear unleashed, spreading through the whole of him. Somehow, seeing that paper made everything a hundred more times real. Junmyeon stood up and started pacing around the living room, nervously, almost shaking. He shook his head. He let out a wailing laugh. He felt a lump in his throat. He wanted to scream, curse and toss out his hair. And why did he have this need to cry his eyes out? Was it because he just found out he might suffer a horrible death one day? Because he and Yixing won't grow old together because he’ll die way before him? Because-

“This doesn’t mean you have ALS, Junmyeon.”

“Doesn’t it? Didn’t you just say three of our relatives carrying that fucking gene, died or are dying!”

“I’ve talked to professionals, and sometimes the symptoms never appear.”

“But is dormant, right? It’s still there, and there is still a fifty percent chance I’ll get sick, right?!”

“Yes… But there’s that other fifty percent you might not, Junmyeon.”

That might be true, but it still didn’t bring Junmyeon any consolation. He might die of ALS. He might suffer all those horrible symptoms. That was all he could think about. What would he do from now on? How could he live his life knowing this? What would happen between him and Yixing? “Yixing,” Junmyeon said, the tears in the corners of his eyes finally rolled down. Why? What now? Why? He felt he had fooled Yixing with something that might not last forever. And it could have been avoided, the resurface of feelings, the promises, the plans and envisions, everything could have been avoided if only Sehun had spoken. “Why didn’t you tell me this earlier?! Why didn’t you say anything as soon as we talked?!”

“Junmyeon, you didn’t even know me. I-I told you I was cloven, I didn’t know how you’d react. If it’d do you good or bad. I-”

“And?! This is important! I would have wanted to know from the beginning. Instead, you waited months, Sehun, months! And you say it now, five hours before you leave? Why Sehun?! Why didn’t you say it earlier?!”

Sehun stood up and grabbed Junmyeon by the shoulders, stopping him from pacing back and forth. “Because I didn’t want you to be miserable and kill yourself!”

They stared at each other, trying to calm down from the outburst of raging feelings. It was then Junmyeon noted Sehun was still crying.

Kill himself? That option hadn’t even crossed his mind.

Then Sehun let go of Junmyeon and went back to sit. While Junmyeon stayed frozen in place, looking at him.

“I know you’ve told me you think that the Junmyeon from before the accident left Yixing to fool around because he was a selfish prick and whatnot… You even said he had slept with that Yifan, but that’s not true! You did see that man, but you told me you only vented out your frustration to him, nothing more. Nothing, nothing was like you think, Junmyeon.”

And so, Sehun finally explained the truth of why Junmyeon had left, the wicked plan his old self had come up with only to spare himself and Yixing the suffering. Sehun also explained how those three months were the worst he had seen in the old Junmyeon’s life. Even if Junmyeon wanted to appear strong, Sehun knew Junmyeon was a complete mess, and Junmyeon told him so too. Every time he had to push away Yixing he cried himself to sleep, cursing and hating himself… But he still wasn’t going to change his mind. Rapidly everything had stopped mattering to him, which explained the disaster his apartment used to be. And there was so much more he hadn’t known about the old Junmyeon. It hadn’t only been Yixing who had been in agony.

“I’m sorry for lying to you when you asked me. I said I respected your choice, Junmyeon but I never really wanted you to kill yourself, to end up all alone like that. When Yixing called me and said he was helping you after the accident, I was happy, relieved. You loved him so much, even now you still do. I knew you’ll be happy with him. I wanted you to be happy. And I hope this time you… You choose to be with him despite the uncertain future ahead.”

Junmyeon didn’t answer back. He was scared, angry, saddened, disheartened and so much more altogether. For a long time, he had wanted to know why. He had dug in the depths of his brain for an answer. He had wanted to know. But now that he finally knew the truth, the harsh truth of why he had hurt Yixing so much, he wished he hadn’t. This had dug up more than just the reason why he left, it had condemned him to live with fear. And all this time he had called his past self a coward, but he was actually the bravest? That Junmyeon had decided to kill himself before being in so much pain, he had been determined to do it. That determination had made him commit all those mistakes, even if it was also destroying him. And the Junmyeon right now, he couldn’t even bear himself to think about committing that deed. Kill himself? How could he? He didn’t have the courage to do that. Maybe he was the coward. He was afraid of dying with ALS, but much more of taking a knife and cutting his wrists to avoid that suffering. He laughed miserably amid his tears. He would probably suffer that slow or fast awful death. For some reason, he knew, he felt he would live with ALS one day. He couldn’t focus on the positive odds, he could only think of all the negative outcomes. Junmyeon fell on his knees on the floor, still crying, and said, “I’m going to die.”

“No, Junmyeon. There is a chance you won’t get sick.”

“Your mom was thirty, Sehun. I’m thirty! What-what guarantees it won’t start tomorrow? Or next year, or the year after that? What makes me so special that I won’t suffer from ALS? Tell me, what?!”

Sehun didn’t say anything, and Junmyeon couldn’t have expected anything else. What could he say? What could anyone say? Is not as if anyone knew the answer either way.

Junmyeon curled up on the floor. Sehun stood up and walked over to sit beside Junmyeon. Now it was him who had an arm around Junmyeon’s upper back, trying to soothe him. Junmyeon closed his eyes, hoping that’d stop the crying, but he knew it was in vain. He leaned closer to his cousin not caring that he was smudging Sehun’s shirt with his tears.

‘Why?’

Junmyeon asked himself over and over.


	18. Chapter 18

**The forthcoming memories III**

He looked at the picture frames that almost covered the entire wall. Junmyeon remembered each moment of the photos he had taken. The one he had taken of Yixing sleeping in their hotel bed during their honeymoon. The one in which they had visited the Eiffel Tower, doing one of those embarrassing tourist poses (although this one was Sehun’s work). The one of Yixing and his niece taking a nap when she was a baby. The one of Yixing posing with his engagement ring, just minutes after Junmyeon had proposed to him. Or the one of Yixing drinking a cocktail at Baekhyun’s wedding reception. Many of the pictures were of Yixing, a smiling Yixing, a sleeping Yixing, or a caught off guard Yixing, either way, they were lovely. He had loved to take pictures of his husband. Loved, because by now, Junmyeon couldn’t do it anymore, holding the DSLR camera was impossible.

Still, Junmyeon liked to watch these walls on their house. It brought him a remembrance of simpler times. Each photograph had a story, a story Junmyeon probably had recorded in his journals. That was another thing he could no longer do since long ago: writing, not even typing on a keyboard. He was too weak. Yixing had suggested him to record his entries on his phone instead. Junmyeon had done it, mostly to remember the sound of the voice he used to have.

For a while, the symptom progression had ‘stopped.’ There were no significant changes after ending in a wheelchair and losing strength in his arms. However, recently, he had met a speech therapist right after he noted a change in his voice. Sometimes he mispronounced his words, he knew that was a sign of slurred speech, a few times he choked while eating. So, they started a plan, and nowadays he wasn’t only recording journal entries, but also message banking. He recorded meaningful expressions and phrases, things like, ‘I love you, Yixing.’ Junmyeon did that so his own voice could be used in a speech generating device. This way whenever he wanted to say that to Yixing when he could no longer speak, a robotic voice wouldn’t be the one saying it. Soon, he would longer be able to talk or to swallow. Those symptoms were finally arriving, and Junmyeon felt so helpless to know that, just like he had felt when he had lost all his other abilities.

Daily life sitting in a wheelchair was monotonous, tiring, and limited. He had always hated not being able to move a muscle, not being able to do anything, and only sitting there, watching as everyone lived their lives as he died. It was and had always been distressing. But being with Yixing made things bearable. Even in the painful situation, he was in, Junmyeon was happy to have Yixing by his side. He thanked each day that Yixing had never left him, that Yixing had, and was fulfilling his promise. Although, Junmyeon knew Yixing loved him, and Yixing had always said he’ll be there, but he still felt grateful. Having Yixing by his side gave him strength. He fought each day for him, for them to love each a bit more before he had to go. Amid his misery, he had some happiness.

“Would you like to go for a walk?”

That voice brought Junmyeon back from his thoughts. He turned around his wheelchair. Yixing stood under the door frame of their room. “Yes,” he said, smiling. He was tired of being inside the whole day.

In the entrance, Yixing clad Junmyeon with his shoes, jacket, gloves, and a beanie. It was December, so it was cold, colder than before. Yixing always made sure to dress him warmly to avoid possible colds, he always looked out for him. After Yixing had dressed, they made their way out.

Junmyeon breathed in the cold air once he was outside. As they walk, not many people were there, after all, it was night time. The moon accompanied them during their wander.

Now that the new restaurant Yixing and Kyungsoo had just opened, Yixing worked from the mornings until the afternoon. So, Junmyeon spent the mornings with Sicheng and one of the other two caregivers, unless when Yixing was free. There were days in which he missed him, just like today, but it was silly. Yixing would always be there, he always came back from work. Sometimes, Junmyeon felt he over thought things.

They strode together, talking about their day, discussing serious or trivial topics, if Junmyeon had other discomforts, about Luhan and Minseok’s four-year-old son’s antics, or anything else like their own family.

“Sehun said their flight leaves on the nineteen.”

Yixing nodded. “Do you wanna go pick him up at the airport? What time do they arrive the next day?”

“Yeah, I’d like that. He said around ten in the morning.”

“Okay, I’ll plan everything then.” Yixing smiled at him. Junmyeon knew it was because he had said he’ll go out. There were periods in which Junmyeon rarely went to the city unless it was to visit the restaurants, to his regular hospital appointments, or to visit his friends. Even if life was boring in the house, Junmyeon felt it was too burdensome to go to the city. It was not like he could do much besides watching. But for Yixing’s sake, he tried to.

“And uncle too, we talked today, and he said he’ll come too. He’ll be here the next day, though.”

“That’s nice! It’ll be a family dinner… How about I ask my parents to come? I think they can take off for one or two days.”

“Yes, of course. It’ll be fun to see them all.”

“I’ll give them a call later,” Yixing said, pleased.

Junmyeon nodded. “But do you know what uncle also told me?”

“What?”

“He’s in Seoul right now, and he ran into my parents again.”

Yixing huffed and then frowned.

“My ‘dad’ is completely fine, can you believe it?” Junmyeon laughed bitterly. “He hasn’t gotten affected. I’m starting to think he’s one of those who will never experience the symptoms. And even up till now, they keep saying I deserve this for being gay. They still don’t give a shit that I’m sick.”

Yixing put his hand on top of Junmyeon’s hand that laid on the armrest. Junmyeon stopped moving his wheelchair. “All they say is bullshit. Junmyeon, you don’t need them or their concern. You have me, Sehun, your uncle, and our friends, my parents who also love you as their son, and so many other people. We’re all here for you.”

Junmyeon smiled. “Yeah, I know I have all of you. And I don’t really care about them. I didn’t bring it up because of that, but I just can’t help feeling how unfair this whole thing is… That awful man is living… And I’m… dying. Why me and not him? Am I terrible for thinking like this, Xing?” Some dark part of him wished things were the other way around. Was he an awful human being for wishing that it had been his progenitor who got sick and not him? Junmyeon didn’t hate them, he couldn’t care less about them, he didn't wish his father ill because he hated him. But he did wonder why he was getting punished and not him? What in the world had Junmyeon done to deserve this fate? He had always wondered that to no avail.

“I don’t know, Jun. This world is messed up. But I don’t think you’re awful, and you’re definitely not the only one thinking that.”

Junmyeon shook his head. How bittersweet. How unfair. Why was it like that? He sighed deciding to let go of the topic, wasting time thinking about those things would only distress him more. It was then he realized there were adhesive bandages around two of Yixing’s fingers. “Hey, what happened to your hand?”

“I was a bit clumsy today at work. And I cut myself two times.”

Instantly Junmyeon felt worried. “Please be careful. I don’t like to see you hurt.”

Yixing smiled as he squeezed Junmyeon’s hand. “This is nothing compared to your pain, Jun. Don’t worry about me.” He cupped Junmyeon’s cheek and leaned in, giving him a kiss.

Once Yixing withdrew, Junmyeon nodded. Yixing was probably right, it was only two minor cuts, but he couldn’t help worrying.

“So, with the whole family reunited, I think we should host a Christmas dinner. I’ll invite the guys too. How about this?” Yixing said.

“That sounds great.”

Yixing kept his hand on top of Junmyeon’s when they retook their walk. Yixing spoke eagerly about their Christmas dinner. And Junmyeon listened, enjoying the way Yixing’s voice sounded, but also giving a bit of input when Yixing asked him something. It was in moments like this he and Yixing could forget about the sickness that was killing him slowly. And instead, they spoke excitedly about Christmas dinner, presents, New Year’s eve, or any other celebration that involved family and friends as if they were just another regular married couple.

The next day, Junmyeon was surprised to see Yixing coming back home. It was midday, and Yixing usually returned from work in the afternoon. Junmyeon moved his wheelchair to meet him, and again, instantly, he got worried. “Xing? What happened? Is something wrong?”

Yixing was tired, shivering a bit, and his expression was of pain. But he still smiled and said, “Jun. I started feeling sick this morning at work. I stopped by the health care center, and they said I might be getting the flu My throat hurts and I have some fever. I-I came here to rest for a few days. Don’t worry, it’ll pass! I bought the prescript medicine on the way here.” He held up the bag from the pharmacy. “I’m gonna be in the guest room, so you don’t get sick.”

Junmyeon nodded. Yixing had said he shouldn’t get worried, but how could he ignore it? Whenever Yixing became ill, he felt more helpless, more miserable, more useless, and incompetent. He couldn’t be an ordinary husband who hugged Yixing, brought him inside, tuck him into bed, put a towel on his forehead to cool him down, bring him food and water to drink his medicine. No, he was completely immobile and had to watch as Yixing, or Sicheng did all that. He cursed because he could never repay the same care Yixing had towards him. During these situations, Junmyeon felt like some useless sitting lump.

Yixing slept until the late afternoon. Junmyeon had never left the room, even if Yixing had told him not to be in there. Junmyeon was vulnerable, and getting sick wouldn’t be wise, but his lungs were healthy for now. Even if he got sick and the pain worse, he didn’t want to leave Yixing. So, he stayed there, watching as his husband slept. When Yixing woke up, Sicheng brought them some food. Yixing was worried and kept telling Junmyeon to not be near him, but he was too weak to throw him out. So, Junmyeon stayed there. As he watched Yixing eat, he noted how weak and tired Yixing was. He had barely touched the food. This flu was really taken a toll on him. Junmyeon hoped it would pass soon, he couldn’t stand seeing Yixing in pain.

However, two days later, Yixing’s fever hadn’t passed, it came and go in intervals. It seemed his flu was getting worse. Today Yixing vomited for the first time, he was tired and felt sleepy, sometimes he was freezing. For three days Junmyeon couldn’t be at ease. He had almost never left Yixing’s side, only when he had to sleep on his special bed in their bedroom. And after seeing Yixing, so debilitated, and Yixing himself said he was in pain, they took him to the hospital in the afternoon. When the examination finished, the doctor told them it was what Yixing had heard before, just the flu. In a couple of days it would pass, and Yixing would feel better again. They sent him back home to keep drinking fluids and take stronger antivirals. It was just the flu.

When they returned home, Yixing went straight back to bed, saying he wanted to take a nap. Junmyeon asked Sicheng to lay him next to the sleeping Yixing on the bed. Sicheng had been reluctant, Junmyeon needed a particular mattress, and find comfortable positions to sleep and lie in bed, that was why they no longer shared beds. Otherwise, Junmyeon would have muscle pain. But Junmyeon still didn’t listen and ordered him to do it, he didn’t mind the pain, he always took his muscle relaxants and pain relievers. He just wanted to lie next to his husband for a while. Was that too much to ask? He hated it when he wanted to do something, but it was up to other people to make it happen. He felt useless. After Junmyeon had please asked Sicheng to do it, Sicheng helped him.

So, Junmyeon spent around an hour lying next to Yixing, watching him sleep. He was worried, so worried about him. Something told him this wasn’t just the flu. Junmyeon had had the flu before, and it was never like this. This morning, he had noted Yixing was having some difficulty breathing, sometimes he breathed too fast as if one breathing wasn’t enough to fill his lungs. Something wasn’t right.

Yixing turned around on his side, he opened his eyes. He blinked, trying to adapt his eyes to the light. Then, he said, “Jun, what are you doing here? Your muscles are gonna hurt.”

Junmyeon turned his head to meet Yixing. “Sicheng comes in frequently and repositions me. I wanna be near you, Xing.”

“You still might catch this awful flu, Jun. I don’t want you to get sick too.”

With pleading eyes, Junmyeon said, “Please just let me lie next to you for a little longer. I feel terrible I can’t do anything to help you with Xing. I’m so worthless.”

Yixing smiled. He raised one hand to caress Junmyeon’s. “You’re doing more than enough, Jun.”

Junmyeon knew that wasn’t true, he was completely useless. But he figured this is the same impotence Yixing must feel daily because of his ALS. He told Yixing the same thing when he was in pain and Yixing only accompanied him, cursing for not being able to do much. There was nothing both of them could do to help, the only thing they could was to love each other. His neck was starting to hurt, but Junmyeon kept staring at Yixing. “I would kiss you if I could.”

“You’re gonna catch my flu.”

“I’d still kiss you.”

Yixing smiled, that smile that showed his deep dimples. And Junmyeon wished he could move closer, grab his cheeks and envelop his lips in a kiss. But he couldn’t. He could only wish. Then, Yixing carefully leaned in to do it instead.

“I love you,” Yixing whispered to Junmyeon, he remained near, his breath hitting Junmyeon’s lips.

“I love you too.”

They smiled at each other, there was nothing but affection on their faces, even if inwards they were both anxious about one another.

“Do you want me to reposition you?”

Junmyeon shook his head. “I’ll call Sicheng.”

Instantly, Yixing sat up straight. “Look, I’m already feeling a bit better. I don’t have a fever. Those antivirals seem to work. I’ll help you.”

He was relieved to hear that, although Yixing still seemed exhausted, maybe it was due to lying in bed these past days. He nodded and asked Yixing to please move his arms a little.

Even if Yixing had felt good and his fever subsided, the next day he got worse. During the night Sicheng said Yixing had shivers, was very cold, and vomited much more, he had also felt some stomach ache, he still was in pain. In the morning, Yixing said his flu was just getting worse. And after eating only a toast for breakfast, he went back to sleep. Junmyeon decided that if by midday Yixing kept being tired and in pain, they’ll go back to the hospital. Something wasn’t right.

And something was definitely not right. It hadn’t even an hour since Yixing had gone to sleep. Junmyeon was in the kitchen, he went to ask Sicheng to bring another bottle of water for Yixing. Suddenly, he heard Yixing calling him from the living room. And Junmyeon moved his wheelchair over there.

“Jun? Oh my god! What happened to you? Why are you in a wheelchair?” Yixing asked worriedly. He was shivering, could barely stand up by himself because he supported himself on the piano. Yixing was breathing rapidly, and he looked very pale. He also seemed to be confused and dizzy. Why had he asked why Junmyeon was in a wheelchair?

“And why have you lost so much weight? Are you okay, Jun?” Yixing wanted to move, but he almost stumbled and decided to keep holding the piano.

Junmyeon didn’t know what to say. What was going on with Yixing? Had he hit his head on the way here? Was he suffering retrograde amnesia?

“Please, Jun, say something!” Yixing was crying now, more fatigued. His rapid and loud breathing could be heard in the entire room. And Junmyeon placed his wheelchair in front of Yixing.

“Xing, love, calm down, please. Don’t you remember? I have ALS. I-I can’t walk anymore, that’s why I’m in a wheelchair.”

“You can’t walk?”

“No.”

“Are you going to die?”

“Ye-yes. Are you okay, Xing? Did you hurt yourself on the way here? Did you hit your head somewhere?”

Yixing shook his head like a child. “No! No! I don’t want you to die. You can’t leave me, Junmyeon.”

Junmyeon gulped. What the hell was going on? What had happened to Yixing? “Yixing, calm down. We’re going to fix this, okay? Let’s go put on your shoes and jacket, and we’ll go out for a while.” They needed to get to the hospital as soon as possible.

“Yes, Jun. We can fix this,” Yixing smiled as he kept shedding tears. “I…I’ll sing you a song! Mommy always sang me a song when I got sick, and it helped me. I-I’ll play the piano for you.”

Yixing strode slowly, still holding himself on the piano to sit on the stool. Junmyeon hated himself because he wanted to stand up and carry Yixing to the emergency room. Instead, he shouted after Sicheng.

“Listen to this song, Jun,” Yixing said. Slowly he started playing, his hands moved leisurely, but Junmyeon distinguished it was Curtain. Amid his confused and tired state, he could still play that song.

Sicheng walked into the room, and Junmyeon began explaining everything to Sicheng, telling him to get them ready to go to the hospital. When the piano went out of tune, stopping, he saw Yixing fainting on top of the keyboard.

“Yixing! Yixing!” Junmyeon screamed.

Sicheng rushed to help Yixing.

Yixing had been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance. And Junmyeon had called Yixing’s family to inform them about Yixing’s state. Although he wasn’t helpful at all when Yixing’s mother worriedly asked what was wrong. Junmyeon himself didn’t now. By now the only he knew was that Yixing had gotten IV fluids and he had to use noninvasive ventilation to deliver oxygen via a venturi mask.

For the first hours, Junmyeon hadn’t heard much from the doctors or nurses, only that they were evaluating Yixing’s state, trying to figure out what was going on, running some tests. The waiting hours were hell.

Junmyeon couldn’t even eat lunch that day. He didn’t dare to leave Yixing’s side. Sicheng had nagged at him to eat something, he couldn’t take his medicines on an empty stomach. Junmyeon didn’t care. But when Luhan and Kyungsoo appeared in Yixing’s room, they convinced Junmyeon to eat a bit. Luhan followed him and Sicheng to the cafeteria while Kyungsoo stayed behind.

“How are you holding up?” Luhan asked as Sicheng fed Junmyeon.

“How do you think? I’m worried sick. They said it was just the flu, but then what’s all this? I have so many questions. And these doctors still don’t know what’s wrong with him. They are as useless as me. I’m starting to believe they have no idea what they’re doing.”

Luhan reached to cup Junmyeon’s hand. His touch felt warm, but not as recomforting as Yixing’s.

“They’ll figure it out soon. He’ll be all right, Junmyeon. Yixing is strong, he’ll get through this.”

Junmyeon didn’t say anything.

However, Luhan hadn’t been right. Moments after they returned to Yixing’s room, Yixing was rushed into the ICU. And a doctor finally approached Junmyeon to tell him what the hell was going on.

“Mr. Kim, when your husband arrived here, he had difficulty breathing, a high heart rate, low blood pressure, and now based on the other symptoms you’ve told us, and the tests' results, we’ve reached a diagnosis. Your husband has sepsis, but I’m afraid it has escalated quickly, and it has gotten worse.”

“Sepsis? What’s that? Worse? How’s Yixing?!” Junmyeon asked.

“Sepsis is a life-threatening condition and complication of an infection.” In the time that passed, it worsened, and now Yixing’s blood pressure was dropping to alarmingly low levels. If things didn’t change, he’d go into a septic shock, a severe form of sepsis that can lead to multiple organ failures. They had immediately given him intravenous antibiotics to treat the sepsis and the source of infection, they also moved him to the ICU. They’ll keep giving him fluids to raise his blood pressure and medicine. He’ll also need to continue being on oxygen therapy. “We are doing, and we’ll do, everything we can to treat his condition, Mr. Kim.”

No. No. No. Yixing couldn’t be dying. This wasn’t true. Junmyeon shook his head. “They said it was the flu! How the hell is this a life-threatening condition?!”

The doctor tried to explain to Junmyeon what was happening, what sepsis was, who and why it affected someone, and everything else. But Junmyeon didn’t listen. His sole focus was on the fact Yixing might enter the verge of life and death. And it was all so wrong, Junmyeon didn’t know what else to do.

The hours kept passing. Junmyeon was still there, in that room filled with machines and cables connected to Yixing’s body. He had asked Sicheng to put one of his hands, on top of Yixing’s hand. Luhan, Kyungsoo, Sicheng and now Minseok and Jongdae were there too. After hearing Yixing’s state, his parents had bought tickets to Guangzhou, they would arrive in the evening. And Yixing, he was still there, fighting for his life.

Junmyeon cried. That was the only thing he could do. He wanted to have hope Yixing would be okay. But Yixing didn’t seem to get better, especially when they connected him to a dialysis machine. He was still pale, cold, and whenever someone came to check on him, they didn’t seem hopeful with the results.

The worst sentence Junmyeon had ever heard in his life was when the doctors spoke to him a third time. They explained the situation and how Yixing’s body wasn’t responding to the treatment. His extremely low blood pressure didn’t adequately respond to the fluid replacement, not even to the drugs that increased blood pressure helped. So, his kidneys had started to fail due to the low blood pressure and the blood that was clotting within his blood vessels, which was why had been put on dialysis. His heart rate was higher. Now his lungs were failing, blood vessels in the lungs were leaking fluid, and they had to put him on a mechanical ventilator to help him breathe. Yixing was getting worse; he had entered a septic shock, and if he still didn’t respond to the treatment, within a few hours, he’d die. “I’m so sorry, Mr. Kim, there’s nothing more we can do,” they said. That was the worst sentence Junmyeon had heard in his whole life.

And Junmyeon blinked in confusion. He laughed. It was just the flu, they had said it was just the flu. They said he’ll get better in a few days. But now Yixing was dying? And they could no longer help him? No, no, this couldn’t be it! It wasn’t supposed to go like this. Junmyeon wanted to stand up, to leave his stupid wheelchair, and go punch that doctor for saying that nonsense. But he couldn’t. He could never do it. “They said it was the fucking flu! And now you’re saying he’s going to die in a few hours?! Are you fucking kidding me?! Why don’t you save him?! Why?! Why?!” he shouted at everyone. “Liars! You said you’ll do everything to save him! Liars!” Junmyeon screamed as tears rolled down his cheeks.

Nobody in the room could believe Yixing’s fate. People started crying, praying inwards that things would get better. But as time passed, nothing happened. His organs were shutting down, and there was nothing anyone could do. Yixing will die soon, either tonight or by dawn. The doctors had recommended them to say their goodbyes.

“Yixing,” Junmyeon said. He hadn’t wanted to leave Yixing’s side for one second, so he had listened to all their friends, and Yixing’s family, say their goodbyes. Then, Junmyeon had asked everyone in the room to leave him alone with his husband.

He still had one hand on top of Yixing’s. It felt still cold, almost as cold as the silver ring that Yixing was wearing. Junmyeon couldn’t accept this. It couldn’t be. Yixing couldn’t die. He couldn’t die. He was supposed to stay. But as he saw him attached to the mechanical ventilator, to the tubes, everything seemed hopeless. Junmyeon heard the machines’ ruckus, the continuous beep of the heart rate monitor, and his own cries. This was all so wrong. This was supposed to be Junmyeon if he had decided to have that tracheotomy surgery. It was him who had to die, not Yixing.

“Wake up. Please wake up.”

Could Yixing be listening to him? He wanted to believe Yixing did.

“I love you so much. You’re the only one I’ll ever love. Please, you can’t leave me alone. I can’t do this without you, Yixing. Please wake up.”

Was this real? Was this actually happening? Was he saying goodbye to Yixing like this?

“You promised to stay. You promised it! Please don’t leave me, you’re everything I’ve got. You’re everything I’ve got, Xing.”

A couple of days ago, Yixing was fine, he was alive, he was happily telling Junmyeon about something he did on his day. He was alive, helping Junmyeon to survive. And now?

“Why are you stealing my thunder? Why? You were supposed to live, you are supposed to live Yixing!”

Even after the amounts of tears he had shed, they kept falling and falling. Junmyeon wished he could be able to stand up. To walk forward and hug Yixing’s cold body. To convey him all the warmness within him, to embrace him, to somehow bring him back. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t do anything.

“I-I’m not ready for this.”

He wasn’t, and he would never be. Was this how Yixing had felt daily while seeing him die? Was this how it would have felt to see him die? How will Junmyeon move on from here? Yixing was everything to him, the sole reason he could wake up in the mornings, to go on with his illness. What would he without Yixing?

“I’m not ready for a life without you, Xing.”

Life wasn’t fair, though, it seemed to never be for him.

“This isn’t fair. You can’t leave me.”

“Please, come back.”

Who was he begging to?

“Please.”

He didn’t know, but he still did it.

“Please, Xing. I love you. I can’t do this without you. Please come back to me. Please! Please!”

No matter how much he begged, he pleaded and wished, nothing happened and nothing would.

Junmyeon held Yixing’s cold hand, the whole time, ignoring his own pains and hunger. Yixing was surrounded by his friends, family, and husband.

And later that night, Yixing’s heart took one last beat. The heart rate monitor’s beeps increased, beeping and beeping until it changed into a flat piercing sound, a prolonged beep, no pauses in between and a flatline on the monitor. Junmyeon’s screams echoed in the room.

* * *

Yixing died of a septic shock. And it was all because of those harmless cuts in his fingers. Usually, the area around the injury swelled, becoming hot and red, due to the immune system acting. The body gathered white blood cells and platelets into the tissues surrounding the cut, in order to fight the infection and form a blood clot to stop bleeding. This process was done through inflammation, managed by the immune system. To allow more blood to flow, the blood vessels swelled and became leaky. This way the infection-fighting cells and clotting factors could get out of the blood vessels and into the tissues that needed them. That was why one saw that hot, red swelling. However, sometimes the body did this process in overdrive. If the infection wasn’t taken cared of quickly enough, the immune system could kick this process into overdrive, and the body begins to injure itself to get rid of invaders. Then, the inflammation was no longer localized to the cut, but widespread and affected all the body’s organs and tissues. This was sepsis. And it never discriminated against anyone, it could just happen to anyone, even the healthiest of persons, just like Yixing had been. All those symptoms he had felt, weren’t the flu, but the sepsis developing. The sooner he would have gotten proper treatment, the higher the chances he would have had to survive. But things hadn’t gone that way. Sepsis mimicked other conditions, and it wasn’t easy to diagnose it early on if the health care workers and physicians weren’t properly educated about sepsis. So, instead, Yixing had gotten worse, and he died of a septic shock, the life-threatening form of sepsis, marked by extensive tissue damage and organ failure. A minor cut, and a few days later, Yixing was dead.

What were the chances? What were the odds? Why was fate this cruel?

It wasn’t until after Yixing’s death that Junmyeon had paid attention to what sepsis was. At first, he had blamed everyone in the hospital for being useless and not noticing Yixing’s condition. He was infuriated that they could have had the chance to save him, they could have done so much more, but they hadn’t. And no matter how angry he felt, they couldn’t bring Yixing back either. Nobody could. Then, he blamed himself for not doing anything. He always felt something wasn’t right, but he didn’t much for Yixing. He hadn’t taken Yixing to the hospital much sooner. He should have done it. He blamed himself. But at the same time, he felt bereft, completely, and utterly bereft.

Yixing was dead. He had been thirty-six. He died on the 19th of December, one hour and ten minutes past midnight. Junmyeon had been there, he had seen it, he had heard it. But it all felt so surreal as if Junmyeon was trapped in the worst nightmare of his life. How could this have happened?

And even now, eleven days later, he couldn’t believe it. Everything had occurred so quickly, far too fast. While Junmyeon’s death was happening slowly, one step a time, Yixing’s death had been in the blink of an eye, in a matter of days and hours. One day Yixing was all right, smiling and telling Junmyeon he loved him. The next day, he was lying in a coffin, clad in his best suit, with closed eyes and pale skin. How could this have happened?

After the funeral, held two days after Yixing’s death, Junmyeon had secluded himself in their bedroom. He refused to leave, to get up from his bed. The only thing he did was to listen over and over again to the voice messages Yixing had sent him. They were trivial things, but he loved to hear the sound of Yixing’s voice. He would ask Sicheng to dress him in one of Yixing’s sweaters or shirts, they still had his familiar scent. It helped him to fall asleep. Sometimes during the nights he’d wake up and stared at Yixing’s bed, hoping the nightmare would be over, but he wasn’t there. Yixing wasn’t there to wake him up anymore. To love and support him. Yixing wasn’t there. And in his absence, Junmyeon cried. He felt he would never be happy again.

How the hell would he move on? How much time did he have left now? Yixing was his everything, his strength, the man he loved, and his main support to cope with his ALS. Without him, Junmyeon felt nothing mattered anymore. He wished he could just die too, he was scared. Junmyeon didn’t want to face the upcoming symptoms all alone, he didn’t want that slow death by himself. He needed Yixing. But Yixing wasn’t there anymore.

During the ten days that had passed, Junmyeon didn’t do anything. He hated that he couldn’t mourn in peace, on his own, but he had to depend on other people. Sicheng, another one of his caregivers, his family or his friends, both the ones in Guangzhou and the ones who flew from Seoul, was there to help him, to keep him company. The family Christmas dinner Yixing had planned never happened. Instead, they ate something together in Junmyeon’s room. He was thankful for them and everything they did, but he also wanted to be alone.

However, the morning of the eleventh day, Junmyeon decided to finally get up from his bed. He had dreamed about Yixing. It was a weird mixture of memories from when they had met in the hospital after the car accident, the first Christmas they spent together, and the times they’d stared together at the forget-me-nots this past summer.

Sehun, his family, and his uncle had gone to the airport. They drove Yixing’s parents to the airport, they were returning to Changsha. But Sehun and the others would stay for a couple more days. Sehun had offered Junmyeon to move with them to Paris. He’ll take care of him now, he had space, and he could arrange everything to make him comfortable. When Sehun returned, Junmyeon would decline the offer. He didn’t want to leave the one place that connected him to Yixing and the life they used to have. He would die here too, and he would be buried next to his husband. Anywhere he went, Junmyeon felt he’ll be alone because he didn’t have his soulmate by his side anymore. So, he would thank Sehun for the offer but decline.

Junmyeon held the snow globe of him and Yixing near the Pearl River as he made his way out. Of course, he wasn’t actually holding it. He asked Sicheng to bring it down from one of the shelves, and encircle his right hand around it. Junmyeon had dreamed about that day, and he wanted to feel the artifact in his hands. In his dream, Yixing had been smiling, the way his dimples showed, as he shook the sphere. Junmyeon went outside to the garden, Yixing’s blanket covering him from the cold. It was colder than any other winter Junmyeon had lived before. Was it because he no longer felt Yixing by his side?

He stopped the wheelchair in front of where the forget-me-nots used to be. He stared at the empty and dry spot. He’ll ask Sicheng to replant them next year too. Whenever they would go to visit Yixing at the cemetery, Junmyeon wanted to bring him those flowers. They meant everything Junmyeon wanted to convey.

As Junmyeon kept staring at that spot, remembering Yixing, he felt something cold land on his cheek. Later more kept falling. And he realized snowflakes were falling. As soon as they touched his skin, they melted, but they were falling. He looked up at the sky. After ninety-three years it was finally snowing in Guangzhou. The wish had come true, but Yixing wasn’t there to see it. It was snowing, and Junmyeon started crying in despair. He felt constant pain in his body due to his sickness, yet it was the throbbing, agonizing, ache in his heart that hurt the most now.

“Yi-Yixing, why?”

He kept asking, but no one answered.


	19. Chapter 19

**Bittersweet**

The wind rustled his hair. It was a pleasant morning breeze. Faint rays of sunlight shone through the clouded sky. Yixing sat on the terrace, listening to Guangzhou waking up. His hand fidgeted with the silver ring on his other hand. He smiled, his indentions appearing in place, joy spreading throughout him. It had already been two weeks since the night on the river banks of the Pearl River, the night Junmyeon had asked him to marry him. Yet it felt as if it had just been yesterday Junmyeon was on his knees asking the question. It had taken Yixing by surprise at first. He hadn’t known if one year was enough to ask that question, that was why Yixing hadn’t done it first, even if they were living together now. Still, Yixing was glad Junmyeon had done it.

Many things had changed in the past year. Junmyeon calling off their engagement and leaving, the time of heartbreak, the car accident, the memory loss, the fights, the truths revealed, yet despite everything, Yixing knew that helping Junmyeon hadn’t been a mistake. A mistake would have been if he had ignored that call. He and Junmyeon were together again. They had even started planning their wedding that’d take place in two months. Were two months enough time to plan a wedding? Probably not, but Junmyeon had said time wasn’t in their favor, and maybe that was true, plus that month was when they had found the nearest available date at the LN Garden. Yixing didn’t mind that though. He and Junmyeon were together and would be getting married, that was all that mattered for now.

However, there was this slight pinch of wretchedness that merged with his happiness, making it bittersweet. Even if he tried to ignore it, he still remembered that day Junmyeon told him why the old Junmyeon had left. Junmyeon prone to have ALS one day? Junmyeon had wanted to kill himself because of that? Junmyeon left him so he could hate him and not suffer over his death? Junmyeon… Would die?

Yixing had felt angry and betrayed after hearing that story. Why hadn’t the old Junmyeon told him any of that? Didn’t Junmyeon love him? Didn’t he trust him enough? They could have tried to agree to something, maybe he could have made Junmyeon change his mind because there was no way he was going to let him kill himself. If Junmyeon had told him everything, both could have avoided those three months of heartbreak, and Junmyeon wouldn’t have lost his memories. But, the more he thought about it, the more questions came up. What if Yixing had failed? What if he wouldn’t have been able to convince Junmyeon to be with him, despite the ambiguous future? And after all, it was Junmyeon’s choice. He was the one who was going to live with the disease. How could Yixing have any say on that? How would he have tried to convince Junmyeon to do otherwise? Would it have been selfish, to force him to live with that hell disease for him? Yixing had no idea what he would have done. So, maybe things had taken the course they did for the ‘best’ because everything would have been too complicated to solve if Junmyeon had spoken. Either way, it was too late to change anything now, and it was unnecessary to feel upset about the old Junmyeon not telling him everything.

After the anger, he came to the realization. The harsh reality had hit Yixing. And the tears he had shed couldn’t change anything either. Junmyeon was prone to have ALS in the future. He had that damn gene mutation. They couldn’t know when or how, they didn’t know anything, except there was that fifty-percent probability that Junmyeon might get sick one day. Might, Yixing hated the ambiguity within that word. And for some reason, he couldn’t stay optimistic that Junmyeon would never face the disease. Why? Was it because he had already lost Junmyeon two times before, and as he had said, third time’s the charm? Yixing didn’t know. What he did know was that it was frightening to live with the knowledge that something might happen one day, something that not only would kill the man he loved, but also parts of himself. How could Yixing ever bear with seeing Junmyeon die before his eyes? Yixing was scared, but Junmyeon was a hundred more times frightened.

Yet despite the fear, Junmyeon had said he'd face the uncertainty and stay with him if Yixing promised he would stay with him too once he got sick. Junmyeon couldn’t face it alone, and he loved Yixing so much, he’ll know he’ll be stronger if they were together. Yixing’s answer? Amid their tears, he hugged Junmyeon and whispered in his ears, of course, he’ll stay. He loved Junmyeon too; he had always loved him. There was no other place or person he’d rather be with. Maybe it was going to be incredibly hard, painful, and scary, but at the same time, there was going to be happiness, joy, and love. And the last part was worth it. So, maybe things had taken the course they went because it was for the ‘better.’ This time Junmyeon had decided to stay, and Yixing would stay with him.

Yixing would stay with Junmyeon no matter what. Even if the day after Junmyeon had proposed, Junmyeon had told Yixing his decision about their future. He didn’t want any children, it was too risky to put more people through the possible suffering that’d come. Neither did he want any dogs or pets. And Junmyeon didn’t want to extend his life. When his lungs started to fail, he wanted a natural death and not live the rest of his life connected to a ventilator. It was selfish, Junmyeon had said, to ask Yixing to stay despite all the decisions he had taken without minding Yixing’s opinion. But Yixing, he would stay no matter what. Yixing didn’t mind to give up those things, even if he had been looking forward to having them one day. The ventilator decision was another matter. He wished Junmyeon would change his mind about it. He had learned that it could give them more time together, of course, Junmyeon would have to pay the price. So, how could Yixing have any say on that? He was healthy, and he would live, Junmyeon might not.

“Here it is, Xing,” Junmyeon’s soothing voice said. Yixing was taken back from his thoughts, and he stared at his fiancé. He was still a tad surprised whenever Junmyeon called him ‘Xing,’ after all, these past months he had only heard ‘Yixing’ from his lips. He didn’t know why Junmyeon had started doing that. Nonetheless, he was happy about it. Junmyeon placed the tray with their breakfast on the table before sitting on the chair in front of Yixing.

“Thanks, Jun,” Yixing said, smiling. They began eating. Ever since they started living together again, whenever they could, they’d have their first meal of the day on the terrace.

“So, at what time do we have to leave?” Junmyeon asked.

They had to meet with their wedding planner this morning. “In an hour,” Yixing said. Junmyeon nodded.

As they ate, they kept talking about their wedding plans. What cake would they order? Junmyeon preferred chocolate, Yixing didn’t really mind which one. They spoke of the flowers, the centerpieces, the food, and everything else they could think about. They agreed on almost everything, but it also felt ridiculous to fight about those trivial things.

Near the end of their meal, Junmyeon said, “You know, I’ve been thinking about that memory.”

That memory Junmyeon referred to was the one he had gotten back some days ago. Yixing had been sitting on the piano stool, playing a song, while Junmyeon stared at him from one of the couches. And then Junmyeon had said he had remembered an image the day before, something that felt so familiar. He remembered seeing Yixing in that position, wearing a school uniform, and playing the piano. He had called Yixing his soulmate, and Yixing had explained something called yuánfèn would bring them back, kind of similar to soulmates who find themselves again. That was all Junmyeon remembered from his life before the accident. And that memory had occurred on their last day of high school in Seoul.

Junmyeon had wished he could remember more things, everything, but even getting back that little piece, had made him happy. And perhaps he would remember more one day.

But that memory had made Yixing think too. While Junmyeon hadn’t paid much attention to yuánfèn after hearing Yixing’s explanation once again, Yixing had. Yuánfèn had different meanings, but it could be considered the concept of a predestined affinity, some kind of binding force that links two people in a particular relationship, in their case love. Of course, yuánfèn was more complex than that, but he liked that simple explanation his grandmother had given him. Yixing also remembered his grandmother once telling him how it could relate to yǒu yuán wú fèn – the proverb ‘have fate without destiny.’ That saying meant that even though a relationship came to exists because of fate, it didn’t certainly mean it was destined to exist forever. Growing up Yixing had thought he wouldn’t experience the ‘have fate without destiny.’ He thought he would fall in love with someone who loved him too, and that was it, they’ll be happy. But now it seemed that proverb could be the reason behind everything. Fate had brought them together three times, the high school he chose, the city they ended up living in, and the car accident that took Junmyeon’s memory. But in the first two circumstances, they hadn’t meant to stay together, destiny had made sure to do that. Sure, they were together this third time, but it might not be forever. One day Junmyeon might get sick, and he’d die. Having fate without destiny, was surely bittersweet.

However, maybe Yixing was just overthinking. Who knew what would happen? The future was uncertain, unpredictable. And maybe he and Junmyeon should focus on being happy, on living in the present where everything was okay.

Junmyeon spoke again. “I think I no longer feel disconnected to the person I used to be before the memory loss. My ‘old self’ is not a separate entity from who I am… We’re part of each other. I guess I just don’t want to refer to him as ‘the old Junmyeon’ anymore, and just say, me and I.”

Yixing nodded. Maybe all Junmyeon had needed was a memory to know that person had been him, and that he was that person. And maybe that was why he had started to call Yixing ‘Xing’ again. Either way, for Yixing, Junmyeon was Junmyeon, even if he had gotten new sides to him like his hobby for photography for example. He still loved Junmyeon, and Junmyeon loved him too. “I see, Jun. If that’s what you want, whenever we speak about the past, I’ll make sure to remember not to call you ‘the old Junmyeon’ again.”

Junmyeon reached his hand across the table to cup Yixing’s hand and smiled. Yixing smiled back. He saw the golden band in Junmyeon’s finger once again. It was the ring he had proposed to Junmyeon. Yixing had never thrown it away, it belonged to Junmyeon, even if he had bought it. Now they had mismatched engagement rings because Junmyeon’s was gold and his ring was silver. And those rings would be their wedding rings too since it felt pointless to use two. Junmyeon had said he would pick Yixing’s ring for the wedding, of course, he had left before doing that. But now Junmyeon had done it. Even if they didn’t match, it was perfect.

Junmyeon sighed. “Xing, I know you don’t like it when I ask you this, neither do I honestly, because there’s no way I’m letting go of you. And once we’re married, I’ll never bring it up again. But for now, I’m asking you again. Are you still sure you want to stay? Despite everything that might happen and what you’ll give up?”

Yixing breathed in. He could understand Junmyeon’s worry. It wasn’t that Junmyeon didn’t trust in Yixing’s love, he had told him he just wanted to make sure Yixing was up to face everything that might happen, and he wouldn’t regret giving up those things. Junmyeon wanted to give Yixing a choice for now, but just like he had said, once they got married, he would never bring it up again. Besides, the more they planned the wedding, the less chance Yixing had to back out. But he would never back out.

Yixing turned around his hand so he could clasp Junmyeon’s hand. It was always soothing to hold hands, it felt warm, familiar. He smiled and leaned in to kiss Junmyeon. “Jun, I already promised you this, but I can say it again and again. I’ll always be by your side, Jun. Always.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you've made it all the way here *virtual hugs*
> 
> Thanks <3


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